Hello, and welcome to the frightening world of Amish Suspense! Knowing how much you loved Amish Cradle Conspiracy, I thought I would regale you with the bone chilling tale of the Amish Country Ransom. Before you say anything… you’re welcome.
Amish Country Ransom
Amish Country Ransom
Hello, and welcome to the frightening world of Amish Suspense! Knowing how much you loved Amish Cradle Conspiracy, I thought I would regale you with the bone chilling tale of the Amish Country Ransom. Before you say anything… you’re welcome.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 1
Holy shit, this jumps right into it. Let me introduce you to our hero, Ethan Connors. A former marine who served in Afghanistan, Ethan has retired to Amish Country in Montana, even though he's not Amish, and now trains dogs for the local Search and Rescue team (referred to annoyingly as SAR throughout the book). Other important things to know about Ethan- he's a widow who regrets the way he treated his wife in the year before she died from cancer. I'm guessing he wasn't as attentive to him as he wanted to be, but who knows! Maybe he was a drug addict that beat her. The book doesn't tell us.
On page 2-- PAGE 2-- he gets a call from a former marine who is now an FBI agent, Jade Powell. Jade breathlessly tells him that "he" is back in the states and after her. Also "he" has also kidnapped Jade's sister, Rose. Ethan's brain tells him (and us) that "he" is a gun smuggler named Div that kidnapped and beat Jade almost to death in Afghanistan, then went into hiding. Then the phone goes dead just before she can tell Ethan where she is. DUN DUN DUN!
But don't worry, because... and you may have forgotten this... Ethan is a dog trainer on the SAR. So he starts to "mobilize" to go track Jade from her cabin which apparently is nearby. Everything I've described to you is explained in the first five pages. This book doesn't fuck around.
Ethan knows he can't do this alone, so he calls the two Amish brothers that are also on the SAR, Mason and Fletcher. Now I know you're wondering how he called either Amish brother, but the book explains that because the Brothers SAR are on the SAR, they're allowed to drive trucks and have cell phones. Mmm hmmm. Convenient.
We then jump to Jade's narrative where she explains that Div called her and told her to go to a spot in the woods or he'd kill her sister! So she did and she was jumped by mercenaries! But don't worry, she fought them off hand-to-hand (no kidding, that's exactly all the book said about it) and ran off farther into the woods. As menacing footsteps approached, and with a grazing gunshot wound to her side, Jade thought she was done for. But it was Ethan! She says a very brief prayer to the Lord, and then her, Ethan and the tracking dog go to an abandoned hunting cabin to regroup.
Holy shit, this jumps right into it. Let me introduce you to our hero, Ethan Connors. A former marine who served in Afghanistan, Ethan has retired to Amish Country in Montana, even though he's not Amish, and now trains dogs for the local Search and Rescue team (referred to annoyingly as SAR throughout the book). Other important things to know about Ethan- he's a widow who regrets the way he treated his wife in the year before she died from cancer. I'm guessing he wasn't as attentive to him as he wanted to be, but who knows! Maybe he was a drug addict that beat her. The book doesn't tell us.
On page 2-- PAGE 2-- he gets a call from a former marine who is now an FBI agent, Jade Powell. Jade breathlessly tells him that "he" is back in the states and after her. Also "he" has also kidnapped Jade's sister, Rose. Ethan's brain tells him (and us) that "he" is a gun smuggler named Div that kidnapped and beat Jade almost to death in Afghanistan, then went into hiding. Then the phone goes dead just before she can tell Ethan where she is. DUN DUN DUN!
But don't worry, because... and you may have forgotten this... Ethan is a dog trainer on the SAR. So he starts to "mobilize" to go track Jade from her cabin which apparently is nearby. Everything I've described to you is explained in the first five pages. This book doesn't fuck around.
Ethan knows he can't do this alone, so he calls the two Amish brothers that are also on the SAR, Mason and Fletcher. Now I know you're wondering how he called either Amish brother, but the book explains that because the Brothers SAR are on the SAR, they're allowed to drive trucks and have cell phones. Mmm hmmm. Convenient.
We then jump to Jade's narrative where she explains that Div called her and told her to go to a spot in the woods or he'd kill her sister! So she did and she was jumped by mercenaries! But don't worry, she fought them off hand-to-hand (no kidding, that's exactly all the book said about it) and ran off farther into the woods. As menacing footsteps approached, and with a grazing gunshot wound to her side, Jade thought she was done for. But it was Ethan! She says a very brief prayer to the Lord, and then her, Ethan and the tracking dog go to an abandoned hunting cabin to regroup.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Whoof! What a whirlwind of a first chapter. I hope her sister's okay.
Any time the solution is "banjo rifle", I'm in 100%.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
I'm so pleased we're getting another Amish mystery review. I can only imagine what unexpected uses of Deus ex machina this author will be willing to throw at us, given the unwillingness to find even a cursory excuse for picking up the Amish guys at their houses instead of using the cell phone. If these books are money makers I'm starting to be concerned that someone is strapping this writer down to a desk and not letting them up to eat until they churn a whole chapter out.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 2
Secured in the cabin with the Amish SARs Brothers (ASARBs?), Ethan inspects Jade's wound. Just a flesh wound! This calls for another prayer to the Lord! But as he looks into her emerald eyes, Ethan worries that he's falling in love with Jade, which makes him feel like he's betraying his dead wife. The books says, "Her emerald eyes held him hostage." And let's talk about that. Because this book loves abductions. Apparently, not only had Div abducted Jade in Afghanistan, but then we find out that in a previous mystery, I'm guessing a predecessor book, that Ethan and each of the SAR brothers had also been abducted. In separate incidents!
Anyhow, all is not well because one of the SARBros spots three perps approaching from the woods. Shots ring out! Ethan, Jade and the two Amish pacifist brothers quickly fire back, murdering all three! Hurray! When they inspect the bodies, something about the guns the perps (yes, it keeps referring to them as perps) have is clear that these are Div's men. Hoo boy. So they decide they need to use Ethan's tracking dogs to find Jade's sister, Rose, who is still being held somewhere by Div. But how to get her scent? Don't worry! Jade has been wearing Rose's jacket all day, so they can use that! DUN DUN DUN!
Side note- I don't know much about tracking dogs, but if Jade's been wearing the jacket all day, aren't the dogs just going to lead them to Jade, who will be standing like three feet away? I'm guessing not because I'm pretty sure (but I don't know for sure) that these are Amish tracking dogs and, as we all know, the Amish are magic.
Secured in the cabin with the Amish SARs Brothers (ASARBs?), Ethan inspects Jade's wound. Just a flesh wound! This calls for another prayer to the Lord! But as he looks into her emerald eyes, Ethan worries that he's falling in love with Jade, which makes him feel like he's betraying his dead wife. The books says, "Her emerald eyes held him hostage." And let's talk about that. Because this book loves abductions. Apparently, not only had Div abducted Jade in Afghanistan, but then we find out that in a previous mystery, I'm guessing a predecessor book, that Ethan and each of the SAR brothers had also been abducted. In separate incidents!
Anyhow, all is not well because one of the SARBros spots three perps approaching from the woods. Shots ring out! Ethan, Jade and the two Amish pacifist brothers quickly fire back, murdering all three! Hurray! When they inspect the bodies, something about the guns the perps (yes, it keeps referring to them as perps) have is clear that these are Div's men. Hoo boy. So they decide they need to use Ethan's tracking dogs to find Jade's sister, Rose, who is still being held somewhere by Div. But how to get her scent? Don't worry! Jade has been wearing Rose's jacket all day, so they can use that! DUN DUN DUN!
Side note- I don't know much about tracking dogs, but if Jade's been wearing the jacket all day, aren't the dogs just going to lead them to Jade, who will be standing like three feet away? I'm guessing not because I'm pretty sure (but I don't know for sure) that these are Amish tracking dogs and, as we all know, the Amish are magic.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 3
As our Scooby gang follows the tracking dogs through the woods, you might be wondering why they haven't called for backup. Well, it turns out that there's a heavy wet snow falling, and so none of the them have cell service, not even the Amish guys. This will be important later but for now... shots ring out!
Our two heroes and two Amish pacifists duck for cover, all four pulling out their guns, eager to murder whoever is shooting. It must be one of the perps that got away. Oh right, the book didn't tell me until now that one of the perps got away. They then hatch a plan, and this is a brilliant one. They have Ethan run from cover so the sniper will shoot at him and the others can spot where the sniper is and murder him. After explaining this plan in detail, that's exactly what happens. The perp is dead! Although the book doesn't describe it, I'm guessing there's much high-fiving over his corpse.
But they can't rest on their laurels because this perp had a cell phone on him. And that means he assuredly called for back up and even more perps are definitely on their way! In the very next sentence, the book then says that the SARBros will travel back to the main road to call for their own back up (Amish back up is the best back up). They have to leave because, remember, they don't have cell coverage here. Hmmm. That's weird because the perp had... and couldn't they have used the perp's... Okay, I'm guessing that the perp's phone was locked with a code and that the perps use Verizon while our band of heroes obviously have Amish Sprint.
In any event, the SARBros leave and Jade starts internally questioning if she can ever allow herself to love again after being abducted by Div. Because she really wants to fall in love with Ethan, but will the Lord heal their hearts enough for that to happen? Probs. Oh, we also find out more dumb stuff about the criminal plot going on. Clearly Div is in Montana running a gun smuggling operation and something more nefarious that they can't figure out. Anyways, a random Amish hunter tells them that he saw a bunch of military vehicles driving along the road to an abandoned ranch just miles from the Canadian border. I wonder where they'll go next?
As our Scooby gang follows the tracking dogs through the woods, you might be wondering why they haven't called for backup. Well, it turns out that there's a heavy wet snow falling, and so none of the them have cell service, not even the Amish guys. This will be important later but for now... shots ring out!
Our two heroes and two Amish pacifists duck for cover, all four pulling out their guns, eager to murder whoever is shooting. It must be one of the perps that got away. Oh right, the book didn't tell me until now that one of the perps got away. They then hatch a plan, and this is a brilliant one. They have Ethan run from cover so the sniper will shoot at him and the others can spot where the sniper is and murder him. After explaining this plan in detail, that's exactly what happens. The perp is dead! Although the book doesn't describe it, I'm guessing there's much high-fiving over his corpse.
But they can't rest on their laurels because this perp had a cell phone on him. And that means he assuredly called for back up and even more perps are definitely on their way! In the very next sentence, the book then says that the SARBros will travel back to the main road to call for their own back up (Amish back up is the best back up). They have to leave because, remember, they don't have cell coverage here. Hmmm. That's weird because the perp had... and couldn't they have used the perp's... Okay, I'm guessing that the perp's phone was locked with a code and that the perps use Verizon while our band of heroes obviously have Amish Sprint.
In any event, the SARBros leave and Jade starts internally questioning if she can ever allow herself to love again after being abducted by Div. Because she really wants to fall in love with Ethan, but will the Lord heal their hearts enough for that to happen? Probs. Oh, we also find out more dumb stuff about the criminal plot going on. Clearly Div is in Montana running a gun smuggling operation and something more nefarious that they can't figure out. Anyways, a random Amish hunter tells them that he saw a bunch of military vehicles driving along the road to an abandoned ranch just miles from the Canadian border. I wonder where they'll go next?
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Uh... Connecticut?
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Well in addition to that, I would like to know how these dogs are going to track through heavy, wet snow?Kyle wrote: ↑Sun Sep 10, 2023 8:22 am Side note- I don't know much about tracking dogs, but if Jade's been wearing the jacket all day, aren't the dogs just going to lead them to Jade, who will be standing like three feet away? I'm guessing not because I'm pretty sure (but I don't know for sure) that these are Amish tracking dogs and, as we all know, the Amish are magic.
Also, how come the lead characters in this, the protagonist, the live interest, the bad guy, none of them are Amish? This isn't Amish suspense, it's Amish-adjacent because the Amish are only tangentially involved in this story. Disappointing. I'm looking for more of a Witness-vibe, where our protagonist falls for the young Amish widow or something like that. But please continue, we have to know how this ends.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Yeah- the last book was that way too- but at least it involved the abduction of Amish babies in an Amish-Baby-Selling-Ring. So it was way more Amish. But look- we're only 30 pages into this 200 page novel. There could be what you're looking for.Tahlvin wrote: ↑Mon Sep 11, 2023 2:13 pm Also, how come the lead characters in this, the protagonist, the live interest, the bad guy, none of them are Amish? This isn't Amish suspense, it's Amish-adjacent because the Amish are only tangentially involved in this story. Disappointing. I'm looking for more of a Witness-vibe, where our protagonist falls for the young Amish widow or something like that. But please continue, we have to know how this ends.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 4
The dogs have a hot scent on Rose, but their progress is stopped by a sound of machinery. Using their night vision binoculars, Ethan and Jade spot several M1151 Enhanced Armament Carriers headed right towards their location. You might not think this is a big deal, you ignorant reader, but these things have infrared vision and mounted weapons including Mk 19 Automatic Grenade Launchers and M2, M60 and M240 vehicle mounted machine guns. AND ALSO they have M249 squad automatic weapons. So maybe you should check yourself before you just blow off the threat of a handful of M1151 Enhanced Armament Carriers.
So, as you would expect, the world begins to blow up around Ethan and Jade. But they spot a copse of trees that are densely packed where the M1151 Enhanced Armament Carriers can't traverse. But they have to run several hundred yards through a clearing to get there. They decide to risk it and start running for trees. SERPENTINE! SERPENTINE! They make it and run deeper into the trees. Together they say a prayer to the Lord that the SARBros were able to make it back uninjured. Oh, and the dogs made it to the trees too because the lead tracker, Molly, is a "combat dog," so... you know... this ain't shit to her.
Catching their breath, Jade and Ethan realize that if Div can get his hands on weaponry like this, then this isn't just a routine gun smuggling operation... it's a plot to take down America itself! Now, I'm not sure how they came to this conclusion, because it seems to me that it might just be another gun smuggling operation but with really big guns. But Jade and Ethan haven't been wrong yet... and they've both been abducted before, you'll remember... so they might have some special insights here. But now I'm becoming convinced that Div is planning something bad. Maybe even a plot to destroy our freedom and the Lord's constitution of a United American States. DUN DUN DUN!
The dogs have a hot scent on Rose, but their progress is stopped by a sound of machinery. Using their night vision binoculars, Ethan and Jade spot several M1151 Enhanced Armament Carriers headed right towards their location. You might not think this is a big deal, you ignorant reader, but these things have infrared vision and mounted weapons including Mk 19 Automatic Grenade Launchers and M2, M60 and M240 vehicle mounted machine guns. AND ALSO they have M249 squad automatic weapons. So maybe you should check yourself before you just blow off the threat of a handful of M1151 Enhanced Armament Carriers.
So, as you would expect, the world begins to blow up around Ethan and Jade. But they spot a copse of trees that are densely packed where the M1151 Enhanced Armament Carriers can't traverse. But they have to run several hundred yards through a clearing to get there. They decide to risk it and start running for trees. SERPENTINE! SERPENTINE! They make it and run deeper into the trees. Together they say a prayer to the Lord that the SARBros were able to make it back uninjured. Oh, and the dogs made it to the trees too because the lead tracker, Molly, is a "combat dog," so... you know... this ain't shit to her.
Catching their breath, Jade and Ethan realize that if Div can get his hands on weaponry like this, then this isn't just a routine gun smuggling operation... it's a plot to take down America itself! Now, I'm not sure how they came to this conclusion, because it seems to me that it might just be another gun smuggling operation but with really big guns. But Jade and Ethan haven't been wrong yet... and they've both been abducted before, you'll remember... so they might have some special insights here. But now I'm becoming convinced that Div is planning something bad. Maybe even a plot to destroy our freedom and the Lord's constitution of a United American States. DUN DUN DUN!
Re: Amish Country Ransom
If something like that does start surely Montana is a likely location? You might say Idaho but Montana has more of that hot gun smuggling territory next to Canada where all the gun smuggling occurs. Not to mention the heavy armament.
"...eager to murder whoever is shooting. It must be one of the perps that got away. Oh right, the book didn't tell me until now..."
Our author is truly a rhapsode who receives direct inspiration from beyond... She's just reporting the events as they play out in front of her, so when gunfire erupts she's wondering right there along with the reader why it might have done so. A solution needs to be found: One of the perps must have gotten away.
Have we considered that the theme of abduction coursing through the novel might have been placed there because our author is presently experiencing an abduction? She can't plan ahead for what's going to happen in the chapters because she's chained to the desk typing as things unfold.
"...eager to murder whoever is shooting. It must be one of the perps that got away. Oh right, the book didn't tell me until now..."
Our author is truly a rhapsode who receives direct inspiration from beyond... She's just reporting the events as they play out in front of her, so when gunfire erupts she's wondering right there along with the reader why it might have done so. A solution needs to be found: One of the perps must have gotten away.
Have we considered that the theme of abduction coursing through the novel might have been placed there because our author is presently experiencing an abduction? She can't plan ahead for what's going to happen in the chapters because she's chained to the desk typing as things unfold.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Brilliant. She's being held in a bunker at gunpoint and being told to write a crazy suspenseful Amish novel. So she's winging it. Well, whatever the circumstances, she's definitely winging it.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 5
So they're running around these trees, and the dogs pick up Rose's scent again. But every time they seem to make progress, you now what happens. Right. They hear the M1151 Enhanced Armament Carriers again. There's a whole bunch of running around in the trees and gunfire chasing them as they run, and then everything goes silent. They pull out the night vision binoculars and realize they M1151 Enhanced Armament Carriers have left. That's crazy, right? Ethan pulls out his cell phone to try to call the Sheriff, but the weather is still blocking the signal. Stupid Amish Sprint.
Ethan, who's done a bit of exploring of this area in his time, knows that there's an Amish hunting shelter just up the way. So they begin walking there and trying to figure out what Divs is up to. Why all this weaponry? Why such a powerful armament? There are no military sites out there. There's no monuments or sexy targets for terrorists to hit. But then they both realize, what if the goal is to just destroy everything. Are you thinking what they're thinking? Probably not. They're thinking there's nuclear weapons on these M1151 Enhanced Armament Carriers! Holy shit! They're really trying to murder our freedom!
Oh, then Jade twists her ankle and sprains it walking in the snow. So now they have to embrace each other for Ethan to help her keep moving. I wonder what this might be leading to? Maybe a cold night in a cabin where they can't start a fire and have to huddle together for warmth? DUN DUN DUN!
So they're running around these trees, and the dogs pick up Rose's scent again. But every time they seem to make progress, you now what happens. Right. They hear the M1151 Enhanced Armament Carriers again. There's a whole bunch of running around in the trees and gunfire chasing them as they run, and then everything goes silent. They pull out the night vision binoculars and realize they M1151 Enhanced Armament Carriers have left. That's crazy, right? Ethan pulls out his cell phone to try to call the Sheriff, but the weather is still blocking the signal. Stupid Amish Sprint.
Ethan, who's done a bit of exploring of this area in his time, knows that there's an Amish hunting shelter just up the way. So they begin walking there and trying to figure out what Divs is up to. Why all this weaponry? Why such a powerful armament? There are no military sites out there. There's no monuments or sexy targets for terrorists to hit. But then they both realize, what if the goal is to just destroy everything. Are you thinking what they're thinking? Probably not. They're thinking there's nuclear weapons on these M1151 Enhanced Armament Carriers! Holy shit! They're really trying to murder our freedom!
Oh, then Jade twists her ankle and sprains it walking in the snow. So now they have to embrace each other for Ethan to help her keep moving. I wonder what this might be leading to? Maybe a cold night in a cabin where they can't start a fire and have to huddle together for warmth? DUN DUN DUN!
Re: Amish Country Ransom
"Shit! No cell service! Now what?"
"Good thing one of us remembered to check the Weather Channel before we left. I saw an 80% chance of heavy plot tonight, so I packed these walkie talkies in case we get separated, and this emergency satellite phone, just in case."
"Good thing one of us remembered to check the Weather Channel before we left. I saw an 80% chance of heavy plot tonight, so I packed these walkie talkies in case we get separated, and this emergency satellite phone, just in case."
Any time the solution is "banjo rifle", I'm in 100%.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter Six
They find the cabin and it's bone-chilling cold. Ethan wants to start a fire, but he knows the smoke will draw the perps straight to them. Awww yeah. We know where this is going. As they prop up Jade's ankle and let the aspirin do it's magic, they both start talking to each other about their broken relationships and failings with their past partners. Hawt. And then... they decide to leave to keep tracking Rose while the dogs might still be able to get a scent. Lame.
And if you think that's lame, guess what happens next? They're in trees and they hear a shot as someone starts shooting at them! Again! What can they do? Well, if you're read the past chapters, you know what they do because this is basically the same thing. The run to cover, and then run to more cover, and these perps shoot like they're stormtroopers on the deathstar, because they never are able to hit even though Ethan and Jade are "pinned down" and "sitting ducks." As a perp approaches, just on the other side of the tree Jade is hiding behind, she shoots, killing the perp. She takes his gun. That's it. That's the chapter. It's like the author submitted it and the publisher said, "Only 200 pages? Can we fill it out?" So she just cut and paste Chapter 5 into Chapter 6 and had her middle schooler switch up some of the details so it didn't look like self-plagiarism.
They find the cabin and it's bone-chilling cold. Ethan wants to start a fire, but he knows the smoke will draw the perps straight to them. Awww yeah. We know where this is going. As they prop up Jade's ankle and let the aspirin do it's magic, they both start talking to each other about their broken relationships and failings with their past partners. Hawt. And then... they decide to leave to keep tracking Rose while the dogs might still be able to get a scent. Lame.
And if you think that's lame, guess what happens next? They're in trees and they hear a shot as someone starts shooting at them! Again! What can they do? Well, if you're read the past chapters, you know what they do because this is basically the same thing. The run to cover, and then run to more cover, and these perps shoot like they're stormtroopers on the deathstar, because they never are able to hit even though Ethan and Jade are "pinned down" and "sitting ducks." As a perp approaches, just on the other side of the tree Jade is hiding behind, she shoots, killing the perp. She takes his gun. That's it. That's the chapter. It's like the author submitted it and the publisher said, "Only 200 pages? Can we fill it out?" So she just cut and paste Chapter 5 into Chapter 6 and had her middle schooler switch up some of the details so it didn't look like self-plagiarism.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
I understand that Div is our bad guy and that he has kidnapped Jade's sister, but that's six chapters now and I feel like I missed the ransom demands. It's Amish Country Ransom for heck's sake.
Yeah, there's no Amish and no Ransom. I'm guessing "Country" wasn't a sexy enough title. I think they should have called it "Running Wild with Ethan and Jade" but I'm guessing there were copyright issues with Bear Grylls for that title.
Yeah, there's no Amish and no Ransom. I'm guessing "Country" wasn't a sexy enough title. I think they should have called it "Running Wild with Ethan and Jade" but I'm guessing there were copyright issues with Bear Grylls for that title.
Any time the solution is "banjo rifle", I'm in 100%.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Maybe Jade herself will be the ransom who needs to be exchanged for her own sister! But Ethan just can't let this happen, can he? Or can he?
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Mine.
Not mine.Yeah, there's no Amish and no Ransom. I'm guessing "Country" wasn't a sexy enough title. I think they should have called it "Running Wild with Ethan and Jade" but I'm guessing there were copyright issues with Bear Grylls for that title.
Someone with admin authority hit edit instead of quote?
Been there.
[Edit: Yes. it was me, Kyle. Who went to quote this post and say, "Yes. It was me, Kyle." But then I hit edit by accident. So I thought this was funnier.]
Any time the solution is "banjo rifle", I'm in 100%.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 7
Oh my gosh! So many perps start attacking Ethan and Jade. And for some reason they want to fight them hand-to-hand instead of using any of that military grade weaponry they had. But as the book has already established, Jade is super good at hand-to-hand and takes down several perps with hand-to-hand. (Yes, the book keep referring to it as hand-to-hand, instead of... you know... describing action.) This whole fight scene is a mess and I couldn't really tell how many perps there were or why they didn't shoot Ethan and Jade but fought them hand-to-hand. At the end of it, Ethan and Jade killed them all with guns... an effective method of killing that the perps really should have thought of.
Should they stay there? No, the perps had definitely called in their location on their cell phones so this place was about to be swarming with perps. They check their own cell phones to see if they can call law enforcement. DAMN! No cell service! (This actually happened like this- and I also want to point out that the snow had let up at this point- so the loss of only Amish Sprint is inexplicable.) As they continue in the woods to find the dogs, which ran off when hand-to-hand combat started, they start talking about how dangerous Div's plan really is. Jade speculates: "If Div managed to get military tanks across the border to different locations across the US, possibly with nuclear weapons attached to tanks, then the damage would be widespread and bring the US to it's knees." TO IT'S KNEES!
DUN DUN DUN!
Oh my gosh! So many perps start attacking Ethan and Jade. And for some reason they want to fight them hand-to-hand instead of using any of that military grade weaponry they had. But as the book has already established, Jade is super good at hand-to-hand and takes down several perps with hand-to-hand. (Yes, the book keep referring to it as hand-to-hand, instead of... you know... describing action.) This whole fight scene is a mess and I couldn't really tell how many perps there were or why they didn't shoot Ethan and Jade but fought them hand-to-hand. At the end of it, Ethan and Jade killed them all with guns... an effective method of killing that the perps really should have thought of.
Should they stay there? No, the perps had definitely called in their location on their cell phones so this place was about to be swarming with perps. They check their own cell phones to see if they can call law enforcement. DAMN! No cell service! (This actually happened like this- and I also want to point out that the snow had let up at this point- so the loss of only Amish Sprint is inexplicable.) As they continue in the woods to find the dogs, which ran off when hand-to-hand combat started, they start talking about how dangerous Div's plan really is. Jade speculates: "If Div managed to get military tanks across the border to different locations across the US, possibly with nuclear weapons attached to tanks, then the damage would be widespread and bring the US to it's knees." TO IT'S KNEES!
DUN DUN DUN!
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 8
As they traverse the woods, the dogs get hot on the scent of Rose and in the distance we see a group of old buildings with a light on? Is it a trap? Ethan and Jade better approach to find out. In the small camp they find indications that Rose was actually kept there. But Div must have discovered that Jade escaped his perps and is looking for her- so they moved her! Whatever. I'm just happy they're not in the woods anymore.
Just then they hear noises of people approaching. Oh no! It's a bunch of perps! They were tracked here! Ethan and Jade scamper to the back of a building to hide and figure out what to do. It's too many perps to take down with hand-to-hand, and they had flashlights... lots of flashlights. And then the author blessed me with this gift of literature: "With the dogs close, Ethan headed away from the lights. There was just enough time to duck behind one of the buildings to avoid being spotted by the lights. Unfortunately, there was no disguising their footprints from the lights." The author can't be bothered to use a thesaurus.
Anywho, much to my chagrin, Jade and Ethan decide the only thing they can do is make a run for the densely packed woods. Oh boy. More woods. Guess what happens? They make a run for the woods. And guess what else? The perps shoot at them a ton but miss every time. And guess what else also else? They lose the perps in the woods. Fuck. Now we're back in the woods.
DUN DUN... No! No dun dun dun! I'm sick of the woods. And where are the fucking Amish people in this book? This is not Amish suspense. We haven't even seen the SARBros for like five chapters! Fuck this book.
As they traverse the woods, the dogs get hot on the scent of Rose and in the distance we see a group of old buildings with a light on? Is it a trap? Ethan and Jade better approach to find out. In the small camp they find indications that Rose was actually kept there. But Div must have discovered that Jade escaped his perps and is looking for her- so they moved her! Whatever. I'm just happy they're not in the woods anymore.
Just then they hear noises of people approaching. Oh no! It's a bunch of perps! They were tracked here! Ethan and Jade scamper to the back of a building to hide and figure out what to do. It's too many perps to take down with hand-to-hand, and they had flashlights... lots of flashlights. And then the author blessed me with this gift of literature: "With the dogs close, Ethan headed away from the lights. There was just enough time to duck behind one of the buildings to avoid being spotted by the lights. Unfortunately, there was no disguising their footprints from the lights." The author can't be bothered to use a thesaurus.
Anywho, much to my chagrin, Jade and Ethan decide the only thing they can do is make a run for the densely packed woods. Oh boy. More woods. Guess what happens? They make a run for the woods. And guess what else? The perps shoot at them a ton but miss every time. And guess what else also else? They lose the perps in the woods. Fuck. Now we're back in the woods.
DUN DUN... No! No dun dun dun! I'm sick of the woods. And where are the fucking Amish people in this book? This is not Amish suspense. We haven't even seen the SARBros for like five chapters! Fuck this book.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
False advertising! I don't care if it happens in Amish country. If I buy a 214 page book called Amish Country Ransom, I expect plenty of Amish and at least a smattering of Ransom. We're almost halfway through the book and we've had almost none of either.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 9
So look, I was a little harsh on Chapter 8. I've had some time to reflect and spoke with my therapist and we're working through it. She asked me if I was setting unrealistic expectations when demanding both hot Amish action and less wilderness trekking. She has a point.
But enough about me, what about Jade and Ethan? Yeah, more walking through the woods. They're supposedly following the dogs who are tracking Rose, but the pooches aren't even mentioned in this chapter. Instead, there's more emotional bonding between our heroes and we're treated to a weird out-of-place anecdote by Jade about how her father, a former sheriff, was falsely convicted of burning down several Amish farmhouses, killing the Amish occupants inside. Okay. Thanks for volunteering that, Jade.
But look! There's three SUVs stopped in the road! The hood is up on the last one, like it had car trouble. Maybe Rose is in one of those SUVs! In the stupidest plan ever, Jade and Ethan decide to approach the vehicles from opposite sides. Instead of just shooting the perps, they decide Ethan will distract them while Jade tries to free Rose. Oh boy, I hope this doesn't erupt into gunfire!
Ethan pops out from behind a tree and says, "Put down your weapons!" and then immediately ducks back behind the tree for cover. Again, I might have just shot them dead. Look, I don't want to victim blame, but I'm beginning to suspect that these types of choices made by Ethan and Jade MIGHT BE a contributing factor as to why they've been abducted so many times. Anyways, the woods "explode with gunfire" (again), and while they're distracted, Jade pops open a door, but Rose isn't in it. From the front car she hears Rose's voice yelling to her to save her. She's there! They've found Rose! Unfortunately, the perps pin down both Jade and Ethan and jump back into the first two SUVs and drive off... with Rose!
Jade wants to run after them, but Ethan stops her, glances at the broken down SUV and realizes it's just a loose battery cable. Must be a Chevy, amiright? He tightens it up and they follow in the SUV in hot pursuit. But then there's a felled tree across the road, blocking the road. How did the other SUVs cross then? Unless... it's an ambush! The woods "explode in a hail of gunfire" (again).
DUN DUN DUN!
So look, I was a little harsh on Chapter 8. I've had some time to reflect and spoke with my therapist and we're working through it. She asked me if I was setting unrealistic expectations when demanding both hot Amish action and less wilderness trekking. She has a point.
But enough about me, what about Jade and Ethan? Yeah, more walking through the woods. They're supposedly following the dogs who are tracking Rose, but the pooches aren't even mentioned in this chapter. Instead, there's more emotional bonding between our heroes and we're treated to a weird out-of-place anecdote by Jade about how her father, a former sheriff, was falsely convicted of burning down several Amish farmhouses, killing the Amish occupants inside. Okay. Thanks for volunteering that, Jade.
But look! There's three SUVs stopped in the road! The hood is up on the last one, like it had car trouble. Maybe Rose is in one of those SUVs! In the stupidest plan ever, Jade and Ethan decide to approach the vehicles from opposite sides. Instead of just shooting the perps, they decide Ethan will distract them while Jade tries to free Rose. Oh boy, I hope this doesn't erupt into gunfire!
Ethan pops out from behind a tree and says, "Put down your weapons!" and then immediately ducks back behind the tree for cover. Again, I might have just shot them dead. Look, I don't want to victim blame, but I'm beginning to suspect that these types of choices made by Ethan and Jade MIGHT BE a contributing factor as to why they've been abducted so many times. Anyways, the woods "explode with gunfire" (again), and while they're distracted, Jade pops open a door, but Rose isn't in it. From the front car she hears Rose's voice yelling to her to save her. She's there! They've found Rose! Unfortunately, the perps pin down both Jade and Ethan and jump back into the first two SUVs and drive off... with Rose!
Jade wants to run after them, but Ethan stops her, glances at the broken down SUV and realizes it's just a loose battery cable. Must be a Chevy, amiright? He tightens it up and they follow in the SUV in hot pursuit. But then there's a felled tree across the road, blocking the road. How did the other SUVs cross then? Unless... it's an ambush! The woods "explode in a hail of gunfire" (again).
DUN DUN DUN!
Re: Amish Country Ransom
I just can't get over the weird fetishization of weapons and paramilitary bullshit. I see the nods to prayer and religion and guilt. We've met a couple token Amish and might passably be considered to be in "Amish Country", but the whole thing is a bad paint by numbers. I feel like I'm back in that AI RPG we did...
You're stuck in the woods and perps are shooting at you.
Okay, we shoot back.
You dispatch them. Now you're still in the woods and perps are shooting at you again.
Fine, we dispatch them and follow the dog.
Cool. Now you're still in the woods and perps are shooting at you again.
Um... what if we steal a vehicle and drive out of the woods.
Oh no! Now perps are shooting at you. And you're in the woods.
You're stuck in the woods and perps are shooting at you.
Okay, we shoot back.
You dispatch them. Now you're still in the woods and perps are shooting at you again.
Fine, we dispatch them and follow the dog.
Cool. Now you're still in the woods and perps are shooting at you again.
Um... what if we steal a vehicle and drive out of the woods.
Oh no! Now perps are shooting at you. And you're in the woods.
Any time the solution is "banjo rifle", I'm in 100%.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
OMG! This is AI-generated Amish gun porn!
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 10
The gunshots hit the engine and the car careens out of control to the edge of a cliff. They have to bail on the vehicle or they'll plummet to their deaths. Ethan calls the dogs to the front (oh, so they are there) and pops his door, throwing the dogs out, then grabs Jade and they both tumble out. The force of hitting the ground "evaporates the air from Ethan's lungs" (God, as a writer I'm so jealous of this prose). More gunfire, but as you can guess, they run into the woods and lose the perps.
There's a lot more woods shit, and talking about Div's plan. Blah blah blah. But I forgot to tell you that in the last chapter, right after they started the SUV, Ethan's phone rang! It was the sheriff! But when Ethan answered it, all he heard was extremely loud static. Dammit! However, this explains why Amish cellular technology is so bad. Apparently it's just 3G. When was the last time you heard static on a cell phone?
Back to the woods. So they come across a bridge that was recently built to allow heavy machinery across. "Maybe for something like an M1151?" If they cross the bridge, they'll be sitting ducks. But the swift flowing river is swelling almost past its banks, so they have to risk it. Guess what? They were sitting ducks. As they're halfway across, a shot rings out and Ethan is hit in the shoulder, forcing him precariously close to the edge of the bridge. Jade goes to him and grabs his hand, but he falls over dragging Jade with him. They both plunge into the icy cold river, which rushes them downstream. The current is so strong it rips Rose's jacket off of Jade. They duck underwater to avoid the hail of bullets. Eventually they surface, but they're so far downstream, they're out of gunfire range.
Jade, fortunately, finds Rose's jacket. This is good because, even though she's been wearing it all day and it has now been effectively been laundered by a mountain river, it's the only thing that will give the dogs Rose's scent. Do they still need that? Anywho, Ethan's shoulder wound isn't serious. "It went straight through." But now if they get into a gunfight he'll have to shoot with his left hand. What will they do now? How will they save Rose?
DUN DUN DUN!
The gunshots hit the engine and the car careens out of control to the edge of a cliff. They have to bail on the vehicle or they'll plummet to their deaths. Ethan calls the dogs to the front (oh, so they are there) and pops his door, throwing the dogs out, then grabs Jade and they both tumble out. The force of hitting the ground "evaporates the air from Ethan's lungs" (God, as a writer I'm so jealous of this prose). More gunfire, but as you can guess, they run into the woods and lose the perps.
There's a lot more woods shit, and talking about Div's plan. Blah blah blah. But I forgot to tell you that in the last chapter, right after they started the SUV, Ethan's phone rang! It was the sheriff! But when Ethan answered it, all he heard was extremely loud static. Dammit! However, this explains why Amish cellular technology is so bad. Apparently it's just 3G. When was the last time you heard static on a cell phone?
Back to the woods. So they come across a bridge that was recently built to allow heavy machinery across. "Maybe for something like an M1151?" If they cross the bridge, they'll be sitting ducks. But the swift flowing river is swelling almost past its banks, so they have to risk it. Guess what? They were sitting ducks. As they're halfway across, a shot rings out and Ethan is hit in the shoulder, forcing him precariously close to the edge of the bridge. Jade goes to him and grabs his hand, but he falls over dragging Jade with him. They both plunge into the icy cold river, which rushes them downstream. The current is so strong it rips Rose's jacket off of Jade. They duck underwater to avoid the hail of bullets. Eventually they surface, but they're so far downstream, they're out of gunfire range.
Jade, fortunately, finds Rose's jacket. This is good because, even though she's been wearing it all day and it has now been effectively been laundered by a mountain river, it's the only thing that will give the dogs Rose's scent. Do they still need that? Anywho, Ethan's shoulder wound isn't serious. "It went straight through." But now if they get into a gunfight he'll have to shoot with his left hand. What will they do now? How will they save Rose?
DUN DUN DUN!
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 11
We're out of the woods! Climbing out of the freezing river, Jade and Ethan confirm that the perps lost them. At the top of the ridge, through their binoculars, they see a farmhouse with a light on. While you might think Rose is being kept there, you'd be wrong dear reader. Apparently it's the middle of the night now (I don't know when that happened), and Jade and Ethan check the barn. There's a buggy inside it. You know what that means? AMISH! It's an Amish farmhouse! They knock on the door and discovery Amos and Margaret, an Amish farmer and his wife. They explain what's going on- abducted sister, perps, gun wounds, being tracked... you know, the usual. And as they're talking about it, OH NO! Flashlights in the distance!
The Amish people let them in and hide them in the basement. When the perps come knocking, the Amish people tell the perps that they don't know of these English they're seeking (that's an Amish term for non-Amish) and the perps, the trusting fellows that they are, take them at their word and leave. This gives them a chance to clean up Ethan's gun wound and feed them some hot food and coffee. But Jade and Ethan don't want to stay because it puts the Amish in danger, so before long they pack up the dogs and... aw shit... go back into the fucking woods. I knew it was too good to last. But at least we saw some Amish again!
We're out of the woods! Climbing out of the freezing river, Jade and Ethan confirm that the perps lost them. At the top of the ridge, through their binoculars, they see a farmhouse with a light on. While you might think Rose is being kept there, you'd be wrong dear reader. Apparently it's the middle of the night now (I don't know when that happened), and Jade and Ethan check the barn. There's a buggy inside it. You know what that means? AMISH! It's an Amish farmhouse! They knock on the door and discovery Amos and Margaret, an Amish farmer and his wife. They explain what's going on- abducted sister, perps, gun wounds, being tracked... you know, the usual. And as they're talking about it, OH NO! Flashlights in the distance!
The Amish people let them in and hide them in the basement. When the perps come knocking, the Amish people tell the perps that they don't know of these English they're seeking (that's an Amish term for non-Amish) and the perps, the trusting fellows that they are, take them at their word and leave. This gives them a chance to clean up Ethan's gun wound and feed them some hot food and coffee. But Jade and Ethan don't want to stay because it puts the Amish in danger, so before long they pack up the dogs and... aw shit... go back into the fucking woods. I knew it was too good to last. But at least we saw some Amish again!
Re: Amish Country Ransom
If there's one thing we know about the Amish it's that they make furniture, and you need woods for that. Furthermore, this is Montana and they don't have any open non-wooded ground anywhere in the state.
At first I couldn't understand why the dogs would run away in the middle of hand to hand combat, rather than offering direct assistance. So I looked it up and discovered that's why the author is emphasizing "hand to hand" as the genre of fighting: you have to have hands and not paws, because combat proceeds by slapping hands against the other person's hands or even pushing against their hands as hard as you can. A dog would be useless in this scenario and most of them aren't tall enough.
At first I couldn't understand why the dogs would run away in the middle of hand to hand combat, rather than offering direct assistance. So I looked it up and discovered that's why the author is emphasizing "hand to hand" as the genre of fighting: you have to have hands and not paws, because combat proceeds by slapping hands against the other person's hands or even pushing against their hands as hard as you can. A dog would be useless in this scenario and most of them aren't tall enough.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Holy shit. It all fits into place now! Phew, for a second I thought this book was being stupid.Phoebe wrote: ↑Mon Sep 18, 2023 7:48 am So I looked it up and discovered that's why the author is emphasizing "hand to hand" as the genre of fighting: you have to have hands and not paws, because combat proceeds by slapping hands against the other person's hands or even pushing against their hands as hard as you can. A dog would be useless in this scenario and most of them aren't tall enough.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 12
We've been here before. They're going through the woods. They come across some perps. There's a shoot out. Jade and Ethan get "pinned down" and manage to shoot three of the perps. The fourth is wounded but gets away. Thankful that neither of them was wounded they say this prayer together: "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my red-hot smokin' wife, Carley." Okay, it was a different prayer, but you get the point.
They track the wounded perp to an SUV and decide they have to follow it on foot. "It's the only lead we have right now to find Rose!" Ethan exclaims, apparently forgetting their magical Amish dogs that can track anything from a soaking wet coat that smells like the woman standing next to him.
No dun dun dun. At first I wasn't convinced this was an AI generated book. Now I'm convinced I was wrong.
We've been here before. They're going through the woods. They come across some perps. There's a shoot out. Jade and Ethan get "pinned down" and manage to shoot three of the perps. The fourth is wounded but gets away. Thankful that neither of them was wounded they say this prayer together: "Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my red-hot smokin' wife, Carley." Okay, it was a different prayer, but you get the point.
They track the wounded perp to an SUV and decide they have to follow it on foot. "It's the only lead we have right now to find Rose!" Ethan exclaims, apparently forgetting their magical Amish dogs that can track anything from a soaking wet coat that smells like the woman standing next to him.
No dun dun dun. At first I wasn't convinced this was an AI generated book. Now I'm convinced I was wrong.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 13
Jade and Ethan take a break to catch their breath and give the dogs some water. This is where we first learn that two of the SAR dogs are St. Bernards. I'd been picturing them as labs this whole time. I wish I knew this in Chapter 1, I feel like it changes anything. So while they talk about how much they admire the dogs, Jade and Ethan open up to each other and... ALMOST... kiss, but the spell is broken when one of the dogs yip. Phew, that was close. They're not even married.
Trekking through the woods more, they find the main camp! Maybe Rose is there! There's a main huge tent that a bunch of perps are taking large cannisters out of and loading into SUVs and other "heavy machinery." It's surrounded by a bunch of other small tents. It's dark, so of course Ethan and Jade want to sneak up and peep into the tents. Pervs. Despite this being a stupid plan because of the perps that are "swarming all over" the place, they conveniently manage to check all the small tents without getting caught or any explanation from the author over how they were able to do that. They did overhear some of the perps talking to each other. Apparently Rose is still alive and they also discover that Div isn't the guy in charge of the operation. There's a "big man" who's very important, powerful and influential who's directing this whole show! The odds are forever in Ethan and Jade's favor, because then all the perps load into their cars and drive away. You know-- how perps like to completely abandon their base of operations without leaving behind even one of the perps that was swarming all over the place. Checks out.
There's nothing else to discover in the camp, so they go back into the woods. There's some perps out there looking for them, so they hide and the perps don't find them and leave. Ethan and Jade try calling the sheriff again, but it doesn't go through, so they try texting him, but don't know if the message goes through either. So they decide to pray together. No offense, but if there was less praying and more tracking, they might have found Rose by now.
Jade and Ethan take a break to catch their breath and give the dogs some water. This is where we first learn that two of the SAR dogs are St. Bernards. I'd been picturing them as labs this whole time. I wish I knew this in Chapter 1, I feel like it changes anything. So while they talk about how much they admire the dogs, Jade and Ethan open up to each other and... ALMOST... kiss, but the spell is broken when one of the dogs yip. Phew, that was close. They're not even married.
Trekking through the woods more, they find the main camp! Maybe Rose is there! There's a main huge tent that a bunch of perps are taking large cannisters out of and loading into SUVs and other "heavy machinery." It's surrounded by a bunch of other small tents. It's dark, so of course Ethan and Jade want to sneak up and peep into the tents. Pervs. Despite this being a stupid plan because of the perps that are "swarming all over" the place, they conveniently manage to check all the small tents without getting caught or any explanation from the author over how they were able to do that. They did overhear some of the perps talking to each other. Apparently Rose is still alive and they also discover that Div isn't the guy in charge of the operation. There's a "big man" who's very important, powerful and influential who's directing this whole show! The odds are forever in Ethan and Jade's favor, because then all the perps load into their cars and drive away. You know-- how perps like to completely abandon their base of operations without leaving behind even one of the perps that was swarming all over the place. Checks out.
There's nothing else to discover in the camp, so they go back into the woods. There's some perps out there looking for them, so they hide and the perps don't find them and leave. Ethan and Jade try calling the sheriff again, but it doesn't go through, so they try texting him, but don't know if the message goes through either. So they decide to pray together. No offense, but if there was less praying and more tracking, they might have found Rose by now.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Does it really just keep calling them perps through 13 whole chapters?
Any time the solution is "banjo rifle", I'm in 100%.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Feeling like St. Bernards could have helped with hand to hand combat after all given their size and paw size. 
I was picturing some thinner, smaller type of hound so yeah, it changes everything.
I was picturing some thinner, smaller type of hound so yeah, it changes everything.Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 14
More walking through the wood and following the dogs... I guess? It doesn't really say where they're going or what their plan is. And it doesn't matter because they're talking more about how much their lives are scarred. Ethan even breaks down and starts sobbing about his dead wife. Jade tries to comfort him, but he pulls away. Read the room, Jade. Taking your shot while he's weeping like a baby over his dead wife is not the right time. He gets over it, palms the snot off his nose (probably, I'm speculating) and they move on... HOLDING HANDS! Whoa. Slow down there, kids. This ain't a middle school dance. You're already holding hands? Scandalous.
Then... and I know you'll find this shocking... they see some stopped SUVs in the road. Jade and Ethan creep up and hear the perps yelling at each other. Apparently one accidentally rear ended the other. One perp says, "You know how sensitive those things are. You could have killed all of us and then some!" And then some? What the what? Must be nukes! Probably suitcase nukes! (I don't know how they came to that conclusion, but it just feels right.)
Then they're under fire again! And pinned down again! But it's Ethan and Jade! They shoot two of three perps and Ethan fights the other one with hand to hand combat! He wins! None of the perps are dead, so they tie them up and gag them. Then... and this is brilliant... they take one of the perps phones! Yes! YES! Now call the sheriff, right? Nope. They just put it in their pocket. Well, at least interrogate the perps to find out what's going on, right? Nope. Just gag them and leave them. They have to find Rose, you see. I point out again, this kind of poor planning is probably why Ethan, Jade and everyone they know has been abducted.
More walking through the wood and following the dogs... I guess? It doesn't really say where they're going or what their plan is. And it doesn't matter because they're talking more about how much their lives are scarred. Ethan even breaks down and starts sobbing about his dead wife. Jade tries to comfort him, but he pulls away. Read the room, Jade. Taking your shot while he's weeping like a baby over his dead wife is not the right time. He gets over it, palms the snot off his nose (probably, I'm speculating) and they move on... HOLDING HANDS! Whoa. Slow down there, kids. This ain't a middle school dance. You're already holding hands? Scandalous.
Then... and I know you'll find this shocking... they see some stopped SUVs in the road. Jade and Ethan creep up and hear the perps yelling at each other. Apparently one accidentally rear ended the other. One perp says, "You know how sensitive those things are. You could have killed all of us and then some!" And then some? What the what? Must be nukes! Probably suitcase nukes! (I don't know how they came to that conclusion, but it just feels right.)
Then they're under fire again! And pinned down again! But it's Ethan and Jade! They shoot two of three perps and Ethan fights the other one with hand to hand combat! He wins! None of the perps are dead, so they tie them up and gag them. Then... and this is brilliant... they take one of the perps phones! Yes! YES! Now call the sheriff, right? Nope. They just put it in their pocket. Well, at least interrogate the perps to find out what's going on, right? Nope. Just gag them and leave them. They have to find Rose, you see. I point out again, this kind of poor planning is probably why Ethan, Jade and everyone they know has been abducted.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
More than anything it's the constant use of "fight them hand to hand" that tells me this was primarily an AI effort.
Any time the solution is "banjo rifle", I'm in 100%.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
When we're done with this book summary, I'm going to post up for ideas and prompts for us to have Chat GPT write our own Amish Suspense and Romance novel. I think we can do better than this.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 15
So we're still walking through the woods. And we're walking. And we're walking. There's more tortured looks at each other as Ethan and Jade try to figure out if they trust themselves enough to love the other. The dogs find fresh blood. Is it Rose's? We don't know that, Jade! As Ethan comforts Jade, they're just about to kiss again when... "A virtual army appeared in the woods."
A VIRTUAL ARMY! The technology on these perps is crazy! And isn't this good for Ethan and Jade? If the army is just virtual, then their bullets-- which I'm guessing are just virtual holographic projections, ala Scooby Doo villains-- will just pass harmlessly through them! Hahaha! Stupid perps! You don't bring a virtual army to a hand to hand combat fight!
Oh wait. Oh. I see my mistake. It was just a bad choice of words by the author. It uh... it turns out that the perps were real. It's just there's so many of them that it was "virtually" the size of an army. Stupid! I'm so stupid!
But now what will Jade and Ethan do? They'll run in the woods, of course! But as they do, more start approaching from their flank! The run to the side! Even more perps there! They're surrounded! There's only one thing to do.
They surrender. They then get frisked, their weapons are confiscated, and they're stuffed in the way-back seat of an SUV. You know, I feel like this could have just happened in Chapter 3 and we wouldn't have wasted a bunch of time getting pinned down in the woods.
So we're still walking through the woods. And we're walking. And we're walking. There's more tortured looks at each other as Ethan and Jade try to figure out if they trust themselves enough to love the other. The dogs find fresh blood. Is it Rose's? We don't know that, Jade! As Ethan comforts Jade, they're just about to kiss again when... "A virtual army appeared in the woods."
A VIRTUAL ARMY! The technology on these perps is crazy! And isn't this good for Ethan and Jade? If the army is just virtual, then their bullets-- which I'm guessing are just virtual holographic projections, ala Scooby Doo villains-- will just pass harmlessly through them! Hahaha! Stupid perps! You don't bring a virtual army to a hand to hand combat fight!
Oh wait. Oh. I see my mistake. It was just a bad choice of words by the author. It uh... it turns out that the perps were real. It's just there's so many of them that it was "virtually" the size of an army. Stupid! I'm so stupid!
But now what will Jade and Ethan do? They'll run in the woods, of course! But as they do, more start approaching from their flank! The run to the side! Even more perps there! They're surrounded! There's only one thing to do.
They surrender. They then get frisked, their weapons are confiscated, and they're stuffed in the way-back seat of an SUV. You know, I feel like this could have just happened in Chapter 3 and we wouldn't have wasted a bunch of time getting pinned down in the woods.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Seriously, with all the "perps" Jade and Ethan have killed so far, do you honestly think this virtual army is going to politely capture them rather than at least one person in the group proactively just busting a cap in their asses?
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 16
Buckle up, kids. Shit's getting real. The SUV drives for a bit. Jade and Ethan hear them arguing and talking about going to The Farmhouse. Jade confirms that she doesn't recognize either of their voices as Div's. They pray together in the way-back seat. Then the SUV stops. They're there. They're forced out of the SUV and they see a man waiting there. Smirking at them. You'll never believe who it is.
Miles Keller.
MILES KELLER!?!?!
That's right, Miles Keller- a character we know nothing about and haven't seen mentioned thus far in the book. However, Ethan knows him, so the author spends a lot of time explaining exactly who THE Miles Keller is. He was a former marine that worked under Ethan in Afghanistan. He was always a trouble maker who didn't like to follow orders. He went missing once and Ethan had to send a SAR team out to find him. When they did, he said he was taken hostage and fought his way out, but Ethan never believed that story. Keller was up to something. Keller went missing a second time and when he was found, Ethan tried to bring him up on AWOL charges, but guess what? Keller's dad is also an important senator who got him transferred out of Ethan's unit before he could get in trouble. That's right. That's how the military works. BUT ALSO...
Jade recognizes his voice. Keller is the man who abducted and did "other stuff" to (the book never says, but heavily insinuates he sexually assaulted her). She'd never seen his face, but she recognized his voice. Keller is Div. She shouts at him to tell him where her sister is, but he jokes that maybe Rose is dead, but that Jade won't live long enough to find out. Keller then gets a call on his satellite phone from his "partner." He walks away and all they hear is him telling Mr. Big that they have to "move the time table up." Keller then comes back and Ethan and Jade try to get him to say who the partner is, but Keller won't say and explains to them that he and his partner are about to "bring the country to it's knees. Then my father will see what real power is!"
Oh. So it's just about daddy issues. Okay. I guess I didn't see that coming. Anyways, Keller tells the perps to take Ethan and Jade out to the woods and kill them. Keller then turns back to get in his SUV to drive away.
Oh yeah! And in the middle of all this, Ethan has an epiphany and prays to God for a bit. Suddenly he gets calm and knows that everything will be all right. Because Ethan's put everything in God's hand. Holy shit! I hope a lightening bolt comes out and hits Keller/Div, because that guy is a real jerk!
Another point. If Keller didn't want Jade and Ethan kept alive-- a specific instruction one of the perps had talked about in an early chapter-- why is he just going to kill them without getting any information or all the evidence against him that Jade supposedly collected before Rose was abducted? Well, clearly he just wanted to give his Bond-villain speech to their faces to watch them squirm. Oooooo! What a jerk!
Buckle up, kids. Shit's getting real. The SUV drives for a bit. Jade and Ethan hear them arguing and talking about going to The Farmhouse. Jade confirms that she doesn't recognize either of their voices as Div's. They pray together in the way-back seat. Then the SUV stops. They're there. They're forced out of the SUV and they see a man waiting there. Smirking at them. You'll never believe who it is.
Miles Keller.
MILES KELLER!?!?!
That's right, Miles Keller- a character we know nothing about and haven't seen mentioned thus far in the book. However, Ethan knows him, so the author spends a lot of time explaining exactly who THE Miles Keller is. He was a former marine that worked under Ethan in Afghanistan. He was always a trouble maker who didn't like to follow orders. He went missing once and Ethan had to send a SAR team out to find him. When they did, he said he was taken hostage and fought his way out, but Ethan never believed that story. Keller was up to something. Keller went missing a second time and when he was found, Ethan tried to bring him up on AWOL charges, but guess what? Keller's dad is also an important senator who got him transferred out of Ethan's unit before he could get in trouble. That's right. That's how the military works. BUT ALSO...
Jade recognizes his voice. Keller is the man who abducted and did "other stuff" to (the book never says, but heavily insinuates he sexually assaulted her). She'd never seen his face, but she recognized his voice. Keller is Div. She shouts at him to tell him where her sister is, but he jokes that maybe Rose is dead, but that Jade won't live long enough to find out. Keller then gets a call on his satellite phone from his "partner." He walks away and all they hear is him telling Mr. Big that they have to "move the time table up." Keller then comes back and Ethan and Jade try to get him to say who the partner is, but Keller won't say and explains to them that he and his partner are about to "bring the country to it's knees. Then my father will see what real power is!"
Oh. So it's just about daddy issues. Okay. I guess I didn't see that coming. Anyways, Keller tells the perps to take Ethan and Jade out to the woods and kill them. Keller then turns back to get in his SUV to drive away.
Oh yeah! And in the middle of all this, Ethan has an epiphany and prays to God for a bit. Suddenly he gets calm and knows that everything will be all right. Because Ethan's put everything in God's hand. Holy shit! I hope a lightening bolt comes out and hits Keller/Div, because that guy is a real jerk!
Another point. If Keller didn't want Jade and Ethan kept alive-- a specific instruction one of the perps had talked about in an early chapter-- why is he just going to kill them without getting any information or all the evidence against him that Jade supposedly collected before Rose was abducted? Well, clearly he just wanted to give his Bond-villain speech to their faces to watch them squirm. Oooooo! What a jerk!
Re: Amish Country Ransom
AI has a lot of trouble drawing hands and it may be that the AI cannot imagine what hand-to-hand combat is actually like as a result. This is also why the AI broke down when it comes to this scene:
"He gets over it, palms the snot off his nose (probably, I'm speculating) and they move on... HOLDING HANDS!"
The SNOT from all that crying is being smeared around on their hands now. Who cares about disgruntled boy's nuclear ambitions when SNOT is being smeared around?
Re: Amish Country Ransom
I mean, to be fair, I took some artistic license in my summary about the palm snotting (thus the disclaimer confessing speculation).
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 17
The two perps start marching Ethan and Jade into the woods- because it would just have been tacky to shoot them dead in the road. Suddenly they stop. Did you hear that? There's someone else in the woods. Wait is that... Just then the three SARs dogs come charging out of the woods to attack the perps! Ethan takes advantage of the confusion to shoulder check one of the guards so hard he falls to the ground unconscious (this is not a joke). Meanwhile, Jade gets into a "hand to hand battle" with the other perp (again, not a joke). But the other perp cheats and shoots Jade in the side! You can't use a gun in a hand to hand battle! What a jerk! Ethan tackles the guy and punches him unconscious. At this point, Jade is too wounded to walk, so Ethan carries her farther into the woods. The dogs follow, and the group hears more perps coming after them. Ethan finds a rocky outcropping that is very defensible and he and Jade have the two handguns they took off the perps.
As they hunker down, Ethan pulls out the phone that he confiscated off a perp earlier. Remember that? Well it works and he gets through to the sheriff! Sheriff tell him that they're tracking the SAR dogs' GPS enabled collars. Oh. That's a thing, I guess. Sheriff also tells them that a life flight helicopter is coming to extract them.
But is it too late? A bunch of perps start approaching. Jade and Ethan pray to the Lord and then start murdering perps from their defensible spot. When it seems they're going to run out of bullets and not able to keep murdering perps, two military helicopters appear! And not perp helicopters, but good guy helicopters! The military on the helicopters start mowing down perps who run for the woods (a good plan, as Ethan and Jade can attest to). The helicopters land and a bunch of "law enforcement and FBI people pour out." Medics come and treat Jade just as she's about to lose consciousness. Even though he's been shot in the shoulder, and probably has hypothermia from falling in the freezing river and walking around in wet clothes for many hours, Ethan goes with the "FBI people" to track down the perps and put an end to Keller's evil plan!
DUN DUN DUN!
The two perps start marching Ethan and Jade into the woods- because it would just have been tacky to shoot them dead in the road. Suddenly they stop. Did you hear that? There's someone else in the woods. Wait is that... Just then the three SARs dogs come charging out of the woods to attack the perps! Ethan takes advantage of the confusion to shoulder check one of the guards so hard he falls to the ground unconscious (this is not a joke). Meanwhile, Jade gets into a "hand to hand battle" with the other perp (again, not a joke). But the other perp cheats and shoots Jade in the side! You can't use a gun in a hand to hand battle! What a jerk! Ethan tackles the guy and punches him unconscious. At this point, Jade is too wounded to walk, so Ethan carries her farther into the woods. The dogs follow, and the group hears more perps coming after them. Ethan finds a rocky outcropping that is very defensible and he and Jade have the two handguns they took off the perps.
As they hunker down, Ethan pulls out the phone that he confiscated off a perp earlier. Remember that? Well it works and he gets through to the sheriff! Sheriff tell him that they're tracking the SAR dogs' GPS enabled collars. Oh. That's a thing, I guess. Sheriff also tells them that a life flight helicopter is coming to extract them.
But is it too late? A bunch of perps start approaching. Jade and Ethan pray to the Lord and then start murdering perps from their defensible spot. When it seems they're going to run out of bullets and not able to keep murdering perps, two military helicopters appear! And not perp helicopters, but good guy helicopters! The military on the helicopters start mowing down perps who run for the woods (a good plan, as Ethan and Jade can attest to). The helicopters land and a bunch of "law enforcement and FBI people pour out." Medics come and treat Jade just as she's about to lose consciousness. Even though he's been shot in the shoulder, and probably has hypothermia from falling in the freezing river and walking around in wet clothes for many hours, Ethan goes with the "FBI people" to track down the perps and put an end to Keller's evil plan!
DUN DUN DUN!
Re: Amish Country Ransom
It's because he just isn't into her, obviously. This isn't much of a romance novel, despite the promises of "love inspired suspense" and "inspirational romance". I wonder how the Amish would feel about this:
"pray to the Lord and then start murdering"
Reading this is making me want to write novels. I'm not a great writer but it turns out you don't have to be one. I'm positively bursting with good ideas for a romance novel.
"pray to the Lord and then start murdering"
Reading this is making me want to write novels. I'm not a great writer but it turns out you don't have to be one. I'm positively bursting with good ideas for a romance novel.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
There's a big difference between training dogs for search and rescue and training them to be attack dogs, usually including which dogs are used for which type of work. How convenient that Ethan's SARS dogs happen to be dual-purpose dogs.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 18
Ethan reunites with the SARBros and Sheriff is there too! The feds get the perps under arrest but no one knows where Keller is. They get to the Farmhouse and they all storm inside, but Keller isn't there. Ethan tells them he's in the basement. As they go down, shots ring out. It's Keller, and he's shooting! But you may have forgotten Ethan's lethal shoulder-checking superpower. He dials it down to non-lethal and uses it to tackle Keller. They have him! He's arrested and taken in to custody! But what about his partner? What about the plans? They'll have to interrogate them.
Back at the station, they all regroup. Keller isn't going to talk, but his father... the senator... shows up and speaks to him privately. Against medical advice, Jade refuses to go to the hospital so that her and Ethan, who has an unattended bullet hole in his shoulder, can participate in the interrogation. The FBI deputy director agrees to this because he knows "just how damn important it is for you (Ethan and Jade) to get answers." And better news! Senator Keller comes out and says that he's convinced his son to cooperate with them because "of how serious the situation is." Apparently Keller didn't realize that his plan to bring the country to it's knees was serious. He probably was just doing it for the lulz (did I use that right? Am I hip and cool like the kids today?).
Ethan and Jade walk to the interrogation room.
DUN DUN DUN!
Ethan reunites with the SARBros and Sheriff is there too! The feds get the perps under arrest but no one knows where Keller is. They get to the Farmhouse and they all storm inside, but Keller isn't there. Ethan tells them he's in the basement. As they go down, shots ring out. It's Keller, and he's shooting! But you may have forgotten Ethan's lethal shoulder-checking superpower. He dials it down to non-lethal and uses it to tackle Keller. They have him! He's arrested and taken in to custody! But what about his partner? What about the plans? They'll have to interrogate them.
Back at the station, they all regroup. Keller isn't going to talk, but his father... the senator... shows up and speaks to him privately. Against medical advice, Jade refuses to go to the hospital so that her and Ethan, who has an unattended bullet hole in his shoulder, can participate in the interrogation. The FBI deputy director agrees to this because he knows "just how damn important it is for you (Ethan and Jade) to get answers." And better news! Senator Keller comes out and says that he's convinced his son to cooperate with them because "of how serious the situation is." Apparently Keller didn't realize that his plan to bring the country to it's knees was serious. He probably was just doing it for the lulz (did I use that right? Am I hip and cool like the kids today?).
Ethan and Jade walk to the interrogation room.
DUN DUN DUN!
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 19
Whoa. So apparently after talking to his dad, the Senator, Keller is ready to sing like William Hung on American Idol. He confirms that they have suitcase nukes and were planning on a coordinated strike across the country. But he won't say, because the guy who he's working with is very powerful and will kill him if Keller gives him up. Actual text from the book:
"'He'll kill me.' Keller's frightened gaze latched on to [FBI Head Honcho].
'We can protect you, but I need a name.'
Keller swallowed several times. 'It's Jorad Yoder.'"
Okay, stop the whole goddamn train for a second here. First of all, Keller refuses to talk at all and demands a lawyer, but then Senator Daddy explains that it's JUST SO IMPORTANT that he talk, so Keller agrees to talk. That doesn't sound like a Bond Villain thing to do. Point B- Then he absolutely refuses to name his partner because he fears for his life, but then is convinced by "We can protect you"? Keller is the worst negotiator of all time. Do NOT use him as a realtor. Thirdly of all: who the hell is Jorad Yoder? Obviously there's some back story in a previous book in the series that we're all supposed to be shocked to find out it's Jorad Yoder, right?
Right?
No! He says it's a guy named Jorad Yoder and everyone in the room just gives blank stares at each other. No one knows who that is. Keller explains that Yoder is the son of the Saudi Arabian ambassador. We also find out from Keller that Yoder is at a ranch his family owns nearby. Now at this point you might be asking, "Why backwoods Montana?" And hey, that's a great question. But Keller has all the answers. It turns out his family is Amish and his grandfather left the community, but still own the ranch and have close ties to the community. So at this point you're probably thinking, "What president appoints a dude that's basically Amish to be the Saudi Arabian ambassador?" But you know. It was probably Sleepy Joe.
Keller also confirms that Rose is still alive, and also some other woman who was a hostage in Afghanistan that Jade thought had been killed by Div, and honestly, I didn't even tell you about it in the early chapters because it was so boring and didn't really make sense. And it still doesn't now, because this person was someone that Yoder ordered Keller to kill and Keller told Yoder he killed her, but now she's at the ranch where Yoder is? And look, it just doesn't make sense. HOWEVER, we're about to get answers because guess what? The FBI is letting Ethan and Jade go on the raid of the ranch! That makes sense, right? Jade's so injured she almost can't walk, and Ethan's gunshot wound to the shoulder means he has to shoot with his left hand. So yeah... I'm going to guess they're running point on this op.
Whoa. So apparently after talking to his dad, the Senator, Keller is ready to sing like William Hung on American Idol. He confirms that they have suitcase nukes and were planning on a coordinated strike across the country. But he won't say, because the guy who he's working with is very powerful and will kill him if Keller gives him up. Actual text from the book:
"'He'll kill me.' Keller's frightened gaze latched on to [FBI Head Honcho].
'We can protect you, but I need a name.'
Keller swallowed several times. 'It's Jorad Yoder.'"
Okay, stop the whole goddamn train for a second here. First of all, Keller refuses to talk at all and demands a lawyer, but then Senator Daddy explains that it's JUST SO IMPORTANT that he talk, so Keller agrees to talk. That doesn't sound like a Bond Villain thing to do. Point B- Then he absolutely refuses to name his partner because he fears for his life, but then is convinced by "We can protect you"? Keller is the worst negotiator of all time. Do NOT use him as a realtor. Thirdly of all: who the hell is Jorad Yoder? Obviously there's some back story in a previous book in the series that we're all supposed to be shocked to find out it's Jorad Yoder, right?
Right?
No! He says it's a guy named Jorad Yoder and everyone in the room just gives blank stares at each other. No one knows who that is. Keller explains that Yoder is the son of the Saudi Arabian ambassador. We also find out from Keller that Yoder is at a ranch his family owns nearby. Now at this point you might be asking, "Why backwoods Montana?" And hey, that's a great question. But Keller has all the answers. It turns out his family is Amish and his grandfather left the community, but still own the ranch and have close ties to the community. So at this point you're probably thinking, "What president appoints a dude that's basically Amish to be the Saudi Arabian ambassador?" But you know. It was probably Sleepy Joe.
Keller also confirms that Rose is still alive, and also some other woman who was a hostage in Afghanistan that Jade thought had been killed by Div, and honestly, I didn't even tell you about it in the early chapters because it was so boring and didn't really make sense. And it still doesn't now, because this person was someone that Yoder ordered Keller to kill and Keller told Yoder he killed her, but now she's at the ranch where Yoder is? And look, it just doesn't make sense. HOWEVER, we're about to get answers because guess what? The FBI is letting Ethan and Jade go on the raid of the ranch! That makes sense, right? Jade's so injured she almost can't walk, and Ethan's gunshot wound to the shoulder means he has to shoot with his left hand. So yeah... I'm going to guess they're running point on this op.
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Okay but these are St Bernards, and we're dealing with hand-to-hand combat here. Your belgian malinois will be useless. They'll just step on the toes of your German Shepherd if he tries it. Try grappling with a St Bernard hand to hand though!
Re: Amish Country Ransom
Chapter 20
This is getting so hard to keep doing. You'll see why in a second. The whole team gets there and, as I suspected, Ethan, Jade and the dogs (?) take the lead. There's some snipers and a bunch of perps, but they're all just inexplicably taken care of by faceless feds. So Jathen (a couple name I REALLY which I thought of twelve chapters ago) and the dogs burst into the house, and Yoder's not there. They search the rooms and he's gone. A Fed suggests they check the basement, but Jathen are like, "No way, bro. When he saw us coming there's only one thing he'd do. That mother fucker would run out the back door to hide in the woods. And we're like fucking woods experts. So we'll get him." They didn't say it like that, but essentially that's what they said.
The fucking woods.
We're going back to the fucking woods.
Guess what? They find him in the woods! Does he fight? Does he shoot back? Does he have a grand speech? No! He just surrenders! Lame. He refuses to tell Jade where Rose is so, I shit you not, they pull out that wet, nasty coat that Jade wore- probably longer than Rose did- and use it to train the dogs back on Rose's scent. Look, I'm done screwing around. They find Rose. She's unharmed. They also find that other lady that doesn't matter. She's also unharmed. At least Rose and Other Lady were back at an outbuilding and not in the woods. I'm so tired of the woods.
This is getting so hard to keep doing. You'll see why in a second. The whole team gets there and, as I suspected, Ethan, Jade and the dogs (?) take the lead. There's some snipers and a bunch of perps, but they're all just inexplicably taken care of by faceless feds. So Jathen (a couple name I REALLY which I thought of twelve chapters ago) and the dogs burst into the house, and Yoder's not there. They search the rooms and he's gone. A Fed suggests they check the basement, but Jathen are like, "No way, bro. When he saw us coming there's only one thing he'd do. That mother fucker would run out the back door to hide in the woods. And we're like fucking woods experts. So we'll get him." They didn't say it like that, but essentially that's what they said.
The fucking woods.
We're going back to the fucking woods.
Guess what? They find him in the woods! Does he fight? Does he shoot back? Does he have a grand speech? No! He just surrenders! Lame. He refuses to tell Jade where Rose is so, I shit you not, they pull out that wet, nasty coat that Jade wore- probably longer than Rose did- and use it to train the dogs back on Rose's scent. Look, I'm done screwing around. They find Rose. She's unharmed. They also find that other lady that doesn't matter. She's also unharmed. At least Rose and Other Lady were back at an outbuilding and not in the woods. I'm so tired of the woods.