Sober posting

[Phoebe]

Dang it, I was so close to eligibility the other day so I could comment on akiva's drunk posting, but left the other half in the wine bottle, and now I have too much happening tomorrow to drink anything. Anyway, bad thoughts + drink for me is bad, but it works better for others. I like cheerful drinking but when it turns deep or melancholy it can be rough. So just hoping some cheer and joy can get into it for you if necessary - thoughts about good memories, happy memories, a nice gift we carry around?

[akiva]

The best part is that I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for almost 20 years! It’s working great!

[Phoebe]

I'm so sorry about your friend. It sounds like things have been particularly rough lately.

[akiva]

[akiva]

Replying to Phoebe's drunk post from last night. I'm not drunk so I'll post here.

First, I'm not drinking heavily by any means. I'm a lightweight now 'cause I don't drink much anymore in general, so my tolerance is low. Also, I interpret the word "drunk" in the post title loosely. So there's no need to worry about that.

I wouldn't use the term "sadness" to describe me; I'd say "intense self-loathing" is more accurate. I've been living like this for a long time so I'm used to it. I wish I could see myself differently, but it just seems accurate to me. I have good days and times, but the self-hatred is always lurking beneath the surface.

[Phoebe]

I'm sorry you experience the self-loathing and such a heavy manner. It really seems unjustified to me but I know that if you were to agree that it's unjustified, that doesn't magically make it go away. I don't experience what you are experiencing with that, but I definitely experience the sense of everybody thinking I'm a complete idiot, in a "deserved" way. Whether I agree with that assessment sort of comes and goes, depending on how awesomely my multitasking of any given day is going, or what stupid thing I have done in front of other people recently, but I always appear to be an idiot even if strictly speaking it's false. The point is that if you're going to experience it anyway, at least maybe it is worth aspiring to not punishing yourself for it? Maybe it is enough to accept your self-assessment as awful, without believing you deserve anything bad because of it. The world is chock-full of people who really do deserve far worse than they are getting, and unless you have concealed your more serious crimes from us, you don't see to fall into that class.

[akiva]

[Phoebe]

I cannot drink but if there is one thing I know, it's intrusive thoughts and how to deal with them. Pretend you are the Queen Mother or Jimmy Carter or whatever person makes sense to sub into this scenario - I like the queen mother not because she is long since passed away, but because I imagined her as totally disinterestedly cheerful about performing her public duties, which she tottered along through with apparent equanimity and a smile. Did she even know what all was happening? Who know, who cares. That's the right attitude. So, there you are, in your parade box with little gloves on, and a fetching hat and warm wool coat in a bright color, and the intrusive thoughts come parading by like a hundred overeager visiting high school bands, and you smile placidly and wave at them, the effortless hand-turning wave from the platform, and send them off into the distance as their brash music grows softer and softer, and eventually a float with some exaggeratedly large animal head comes by to amuse and distract you and next thing you know, can't even hear the band anymore. Smile and wave, just let them wander through.

Alternatively you can see them as squirrels or rabbits in the yard - here they are, and soon enough, there they go. You could let the dogs loose on them and stir up a bunch of noise, but they'll be back later anyway. So just maintain your bemused disinterest as they wander through. Hello and goodbye.

[akiva]

[Phoebe]

I agree it would be hard to pretend to be Jimmy Carter. However, do what you can, pick someone else maybe, someone who is nodding placidly to acknowledge but not engage with the parade of passing thoughts.

Drinking with friends actually helped, largely because the friends delivered a very positive message of cheer (like, you should just get lots of sleep and IDGAF most everything else), and we came home early and got a lot of sleep! But not sure how this coming week is going to go. Pretty much everything is off kilter. Things will be like 90% good and functioning and then that last ten percent is a doozy, destroying everything. Cannot believe it is so difficult to find a doctor and get a simple prescription for the most minimal medicine. This is maybe one reason why people self-medicate with something suboptimal. Ugh! It's like, I'm treading water here and my head and shoulders are above the line and I'm doing great, but not sure how long I can patch it through. I also love my family but each one of them individually, like all 6-8 of the closest parties, are each for some reason or other using their ten percent of mess to wreck me. I cannot support 70% mess from others and ten more of my own, that leaves me 20 good.

[Phoebe]

Stop it you, I can't drink right now! Or if I did I would faceplant on the rug after five minutes. Hopefully go to sleep, you feel better in the morning. Brain chemistry is a bitch.

[Phoebe]

Hope you are feeling better today, akiva, and if nothing else it's the weekend! I can't drink until Thanksgiving when a great cushion of other responsible parties will be around to drive and such. Maybe it would help though! My kids have overextended me without permission, and created situations where to say no and crack down means causing unfortunate problems for other people, so now they have me over the proverbial barrel. Thus it will be an exhausting weekend at precisely a time I needed to recharge. Fourteen minutes of stillness left.

[Phoebe]

Interesting hindsight courtesy of the other companion thread here:
Although I occasionally have a single drink with or after dinner, I have not been drunk to the point of even light intoxication except for one occasion in February (and another one at Christmas time that didn't make the list here because we had friends over). Correlation may not explain the causation, but it is certainly interesting that a several month period with only two occasions of drinking happens to coincide exactly with taking a mild anti-anxiety/antidepressant.

I could see this going many ways, maybe many explanations at once. Drinking usually makes me very cheerful and less anxious, so maybe there's some degree of self-medication that has happened in the past. On the other hand, about 3/4 of the times I have been drunk over the past several years coincided with the type of social event that makes me extremely anxious, and that generally involves an open bar or a lot of people drinking, so maybe the drinking happens first and the anxiety of the event is something that would have happened either way. I have no idea.

Lately of course we have not been going anywhere, but more importantly I've just been busy with stuff and had more energy for doing things. So I don't really have an opportunity to drink, and when I'm at home with the kids all the time, I would never drink more than a single drink anyway, being the designated driver of life and so forth. Not sure what to conclude from this, but I guess we can at least say taking the ssri isn't hurting in this department. Perhaps another conclusion is that I'm depriving myself of enjoyment.

[Phoebe]

Sober thought of the day (because I just had a lovely bottle of wine delivered and drinking had better begin in about an hour):
Somewhere between a third to a half of all women will have a hysterectomy. Over 50% of women will have significant pelvic floor problems. It is never too early to start prevention efforts. Like don't have kids! Ha ha, just kidding. But omg is that a lot of women. Guys, do not be afraid of the pelvic area, it is just another part like a hand or a knee. But for most of us it goes wrong! Now I shall go and do my squats.

[Phoebe]

Drinking root beer, heavily, and getting sloppy drunk on it. The dog is already passed out cold and he didn't even have any yet.

[Mike]

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

[Stan]

[Phoebe]

This is the type of content we come for daily.

[FlameBlade]

[Mike]