Songs that Need New Lyrics

[Phoebe]

I was thinking about this this morning while listening to Billie Jean and Brown Eyed Girl in close succession... Both fall into that category of songs that would be great if they just had different words or a different singer. The latter is part of a substantial category one could label "ruined by racism, whether explicit or implicit," while the former is an amalgamation of having a singer I'm tired of hearing, plus confusing/incomprehensible and bad lyrics. Like, I don't want to be singing along protesting my paternity at the highlight moment, and the verses are no better.

Sometimes a parodist like Weird Al has fixed a song for you; other times you can fix it for yourself that way. Led Zeppelin is a major candidate for correctives even though at times they have such great lyrics. Jimmy Page has like a half dozen brilliant one-lines surrounded by the bad, Plant does better but still some grim offerings, though some are so bad they burst through the other side to sunlight again (i.e. Golem, lol). I'm undecided about where this one falls - I think it breaks through to greatness like Golem.

[Phoebe]

OK this is an absolute champion of the genre. He manages a few witty turns of phrase, and I accept the good part of the song as-is, with best wishes for this poor pathetic guy to have found a better relationship in the intervening decades. (The good part, in case it's not obvious for most listeners who would conclude this song is full unmitigated crap, is from the auspicious 2:28 on. I accept those lyrics as the expression of the doomed and frustrated.) In general, however, this is a good song in search of new lyrics and a whole new person to sing them. It's good kind of like Korn songs are good (some of those surely belong in this list - fun music but wtf lyrics from an annoying whiner). The music offers rollicking epic that deserves parallel subject matter. Like, even "I did these foolish things to preserve a wild hope of mind-blowing carnal conjugation" would be a step up from "nookie", assuming he couldn't manage to pen the ultimate three minute saga of Alaric sacking Rome with the Visigoths. Did it occur to him to describe the rains producing a shimmering mirror upon the Bolivian salt flats? No. He was in the throes of angst over cuckoldry so this is the best we got. Someone should remake this, improved.

[Phoebe]

Radio finds us another sharp candidate for total singer plus lyrics substitution! They had this good idea, this plan to ROOOOOCK, and it started and all was well, and then... whining, pinched vocals about nonsense!

[akiva]

I don't know that this song needed changed lyrics, but the word "paradigm" bugs the crap out of me, so when I'm singing along I sing it "He's a paragon of carefree living."

[Phoebe]

A good one, but very minor adjustment! See, now I'm dying to know what bothers you about the word paradigm that is solved by paragon, but I really like the word paragon because it sits right next to paladin, octagon, and virtue in my mental birdcage.

[poorpete]

Nookie for sure. Maybe the worst lyrics in a chorus ever.

I've complained about his before, but "Ain't Nobody's Business" by Bessie Smith (and later by Billie Holiday) could have replaced half the lyrics about being ok about being abused by her man with other lyrics about how people should just let her live her life, and it'd be great. But with those, it makes me cringe every time in an otherwise blues classic.



It's that same catch 22 that's in Amy Winehouse songs. The songs implore the listener to let the singer live their lives, hold your tongue, but I can't help but go, yes, but, but, but... you need rehab and you need to lose that shitty man. Holy moley, it's just irresponsible for me not to respond!

[Phoebe]

Exactly! Songs that interrupt you full stop while you're singing along, like NO, I am not giving this even my tiny, unheard one-person endorsement, I don't need to hear these words coming out of my mouth. But it's otherwise a good song you'd want to be hearing, music-wise.

I heard another really good one last night while driving my kid home and I forgot... Argh. It will come to me.

[akiva]

[Phoebe]

If it makes you feel better, I use the word paradigm a lot and usually only mean "pattern-model"? Anyway, Paragon is still an improvement on multiple levels for your song there. I thought of the one that reallllllllllly fits here - again, quite possible most people listen to this and think, nah, it's crap even if you took away the vocals, but I find this particular music SOOOOO very catchy, and yet the lyrics are crap. I object to all of them! I can't even explain how much I dislike the lyrics to this song! I hate them! I think the people who wrote them are highly suspect, bad people because they wrote them! I have tried to rewrite them all but the singing voices are quite intrusive and hard to overcome Weird Al style. There needs to be a verb for this, like weirdal-ing, but weirdalling is both needed and undesirable... oh, I don't know how to fix this. Anyway, this song super-duper catchy but the worst lyrics, every single word of which needs to go and be rewritten:



NOTE: does anyone know how to strip off a vocal track? I have downloaded this music editing software, recorded pieces of music, and tried so desperately to use the editor and put together things, and I'm just defeated by it. I would need to spend a week with a user manual to get this solved, or take a class or something. It's too many details for my brain, you really have to know what you're doing as opposed to the usual "click and see what happens" method that serves.

[Phoebe]

Ooooh I present to you such a good candidate, below! This is a super catchy little song, the lyrics to which I absolutely detest. I get this creepy vibe off the dude, and the whole concept of his going through life looking for the form of Michelle Pfeiffer in women, sad. I did not have time to watch this video, but I did look down at the part when he talks about going to the dark side and someone snips an aloe plant off in the most perverse and horrid way imaginable, and it does amuse me greatly that perhaps what he means by darkness is harvesting your plants improperly. So score one point for you, guy, but that's all you get today.

[poorpete]

Here's another "Stand By My [Terrible] Man" Billie Holiday song that is incredible otherwise (or in spite of or in her sad honesty). It's fascinating, how if the man is a source of or cure for her blues, and I guess the offending line, "he beats me", could be read as more pity for her than support for him. And I guess music is just storytelling, and as a story it's a good one, but as an autobiography, it's not.

[Phoebe]

Ooooh yes, all these songs that are excusing bad behavior on the part of a man are hard to take. Or a woman for that matter, but these domestic violence songs are just painful.

I also have a very low tolerance for... whiny problems? Not sure what to call this category. An example here, a song I looooooaaaathe fully, generally available on all of your twelve radio buttons at once no matter how annoying. And it has that same old familiar piano structure going, and luckily lacks the kid-unfriendly explicit crap one tries to avoid on the radio, so it sucks you in and you'd like to enjoy, but the man's voice is like nails on a chalkboard! It causes me actual physical discomfort. I feel like clutching at my throat because I'm so afraid for what he's doing to his vocal cords. And these lyrics! Aiee! The man needs to join a good gym or library or something and get on with his business of living. You don't need any of the things mentioned; the human condition is that no one knows or could even possibly fathom your private sufferings and tooth gnashings, and few would care if they did understand it, and it would give you no pleasure or satisfaction even if they did. Do some burpees and get ahold of your shit like everyone else has to, unless maybe you're being locked in a cage and denied a flu shot. Maybe I just spend too much time dealing with kids who want a rice crispy bar.