Hauze Has a Secret

[Kyle]

[El Jefe]

I knew that wasn't a senior-aged Lumberjack Dexter I served the other day. Goddamn it.

I'll direct you to my FAQ.

1. No cooked vegetables (outside of potatoes) of any kind are available. If you ask, I'll make you eat gas station burritos wrapped in gas station hot dog buns for a month.

2. If you ask for anything involving cole slaw, I'll force the pot roast down your throat whole. That's the one that I've microwaved exclusively for ten minutes each hour, for seven days straight.

3. Ketchup goes on all versions of eggs.

4. Avocado only exists in guac. Anything else is a crime against humanity and will combine the penalties from point 1 and 2.

5. Any sort of salad (tuna, egg, chicken, etc.) will never have celery in it. Because celery is a crime worse than non-guac avocado. This same rule applies for soups.

6. The only carbonated beverages available are root beer and nearly frozen Monster. Those are the only beverages available other than flavored lemonades on occasion and Long Island Iced Teas. Water is not available, because water is not a beverage. It's something you use to make actual beverages. If you ask for water, you eat four pounds of celery. Then you have to do the Saltine challenge. You'll then be provided with one ice cube. There's your water, you fucking asshole.

7. Any one who touches El Jefe's iced tea, comments on it, or even looks in its direction will have their soul flensed from their body, prepared as a gas station burrito, seasoned with celery and avocado, and streamed directly up your one of your nostrils with a high pressure fire department hose. Ketchup will go up the other nostril.

8. Children aren't welcome. Neither are parents. Or any one over the age of 60. Or under the age of 25. Neither are white dudes. On alternating days, humans are not welcome at all.

9. Rule 8 may be applied on any day at any time for any reason the Chef desires.

[Kyle]

Can I get my parsley on the side of my potato order?

[El Jefe]

Yes, but it is subject to the 2,000,000,000,000,000 % mark-up fee for being THE JONES.

Also, we're out of parsley, because we didn't order it. We didn't order it, because parsley is stupid, exists only to feed to rabbits, and fuck parsley. We substituted ketchup.

There's an additional fee of $40,000 for substitutions.

[Kyle]

Oh. Then I don’t want that. I’ll just take a baked potato. Hold the skin.

[El Jefe]

One plate of fancy catsup coming right up. That'll be two immortal souls, and $47.

[Kyle]

Hmm, hold that order. Is that organic catsup? I only eat organic catsup.

You know what? Forget the potato. What your fresh fish selection? Line caught- not farm.

[El Jefe]

One bowl of chicken nuggets, coming right up. The only thing we have for dipping sauce for a customer like you is sliced up pixie sticks, with the paper still in the mix.

[Kyle]

Sounds good. I'll take it.

Quick question.

Free range chicken? Also, can I get the Pixie paper on the side, please?

OH! Also, do you have boba tea? I only drink boba with lunch.

[El Jefe]

It ranged from this spit-covered plate right to your mouth. One extra order of Pixie paper with catsup added.

We don't cotton much to Wolverine tea, bub. One Paradise Punch Monster/root beer slushy coming right up. We put ketchup in it for you.

[Kyle]

Okay. No way. This is unacceptable.

I'll take the pixie stix, hold the pixie and the stix. Add a side of Hauze. With extra fancy catsup.

[El Jefe]

There's a premium charge for Hauze. Also, extra fancy or extra catsup of the fancy variety? Because we don't do extra fancy. We're not some kind of food truck, here.

[Kyle]

Wait, is this place gluten free, because I'm celiac.

Fuck this, I'm out.

[El Jefe]

Another satisfied customer.

Mission accomplished.

[El Jefe]

Today's menu has a lovely special. It's a red velvet cake with extra cream cheese icing, mostly made up of hope, broken dreams, and Texan tears.

[Phoebe]

Yes to red velvet cake and cream cheese, I need two.