Parenting advice

[Phoebe]

So you know when I'm posting a thread called parenting advice in the morning, it's because the going to school in the morning has not gone well. Or I should say actually, it seems to be going really well for the other kids but not for one kid. I don't know if it's just that I fail as a parent when it comes time for the child to become a teenager or if it's that I have failed only one of my kids as a parent. Anyway, I wanted my kid to wear a jacket to school this morning because it makes sense for any sane person to wear a jacket this morning. My kid did not want to wear a jacket this morning and therefore, after making herself late for school in dithering around in the house while I waited in the car, she emerged without a jacket just wearing a shirt. So I said, I'm not driving you to school until you put on a jacket, go inside and get a jacket. Well, she has about 5 jackets one of which is an expensive jacket I bought for myself, but she fancied it and so I gave it to her. That jacket is sitting in some unknown location in a pile of crap in her room. I don't really want to fish it out and wear it for myself without washing it first and apparently she doesn't either. No idea what happened to all the other jackets which were of lesser fancitude but still nice jackets purchased for her that she owns. And they are less like coats in the traditional sense so you think if a person doesn't want to wear a coat, they'd be happy to wear this lesser jacket thing that is more like a hoodie or light jacket, no? Anyway she brings the jacket she likes the least that is kind of small for her to the car. But she refuses to put the jacket on. So again I say I am not taking you to school unless you put the jacket on because this is a day when people wear jackets and you are my child and it's my responsibility as a parent to put a jacket on you when it's the kind of day where people wear jackets. I would not let any of the other kids go to school without a jacket so this is no exception. My methods are not helping. We arrived at school and we have our jacket on but we are very unhappy with Mom and apparently this is symptomatic of a larger problem in life. I want people to live in certain normal ways with normal habits doing normal things. Eating and sleeping at normal times and doing our homework like students are normally expected to do and dressing for the weather and not taking food out of the kitchen and asking before we raid the fridge and so forth. These are unreasonable demands. And I am not going to win. So the question is whether it is worth struggling to win on some of these things but not others, or whether I need some other method that makes it less of a struggle, or what. There is literally no consequence that makes any meaningful dent in this situation. Taking away her headphones and phone can be helpful, but the other parent expects me to be the heavy in this situation and to be honest I'm off and not around and don't have the physical and mental resources to outwit a person who wants to seize the headphones back. And then all you can do is take the headphones away again, because I'm out of punishments. There are no other punishments. I could say you're grounded and you have to go to your room or you can't have .... What? That suits the kid just fine. In fact, the punishment should be something like, "you have to go to this after-school activity!" And trust me we tried that but it's very difficult to force participation in the unwilling participant. Eventually they kick you out because they don't want the unwilling to participate. So I don't know: any ideas about what we do with people who refuse to cooperate with basic functions, and for whom there is no incentives package with meaning? The fact that this doesn't happen with the other two kids kind of makes me feel worse, like I am really screwing up bad because I should be able to figure out the nature of the issue and solve it.

[Tahlvin]

Welcome to life as a parent of a teenager!

[Kyle]

So taking phones/laptops/gaming headsets is really, really effective with my kids. And I always hide them somewhere different where they can't find them when I'm not home. They've never found them. The problem is remembering them when they get them back.

I understand what you're saying about "being the heavy" but I don't give a shit about that. I just laugh at them and say, "Whoa friend. You'd probably be less pissy right now if you hadn't gotten in trouble and lost your stuff in the first place." And whatever pissy thing they do in response to that, I just give my wry laugh and say, "Yeah, must suck being mad at yourself for losing your stuff!" Essentially, whatever they do, I laugh casually at them. It's pretty effective with my kids because they either just stop being pissy or walk away and calm down. It's the verbal equivalent of "Stop Hitting Yourself!"

[Phoebe]

[Phoebe]

[FlameBlade]

Just other day, I went hiking with a bunch of others, and one brought a teen girl. Mother kept complaining that the said teen isn't dressed sufficiently warm for the weather. It was 28 degrees at start, projected to jump to 45 in 2 hours.

So. Yeah. Perfectly normal. Just laugh. Not a battle you want to fight unless there's an actual danger of hypothermia. Save energy and battles for something that is of a bigger deal.

[Iantha]

[Phoebe]

I think I'm just going to give up on the jacket thing then. The odds of her actually getting frostbite are getting lesser by the day, and there aren't many situations where she have to walk farther than a mile to get indoors, even assuming there was no possibility of getting a ride which is also very unlikely. I have a hard line that is drawn at food in the room. If I could just get that one line to remain uncrossed I would probably be a lot calmer day to day.

In general when I'm calm and relaxed and I've had a decent night's sleep or two, my whole parenting mode becomes easy and is transformed into something better for all. I don't feel like things are wrong in life but I have a lot of random stress. And I know I must be stressed out because I'm systematically peeling away parts of the outer layer. That sounds gross enough so I'm not even going to go into the details. I think when you're nervously clawing at your own flesh repeatedly there is something wrong with your anxiety level, and it probably bleeds over into situations where you want your kid to wear a coat to school, do homework, sleep eight hours regularly, etc.

[Tahlvin]

[DMDarcs]

You would be amazed at the number of students in our high school that very vocally complain about not getting a snow day because the roads were so horrible, yet are wearing a T-shirt and shorts.

[Phoebe]

Well, today we just let it go and to my amusement she wore a long sleeved shirt under a heavy hoodie, so it was probably about same warmness overall as the jacket. And there was peace in the valley, which is important. It's funny because I'm the one who was always taking flak from the grandparents for letting the kids run around in shirt sleeves on chilly days. I figured they should get a little hardened to the cold. Well, they are certainly hardened! Too hardened! They would have that "snowbound" pathfinder trait.

In other amusing news I was listening to that performance today interview (? or whatever it was) with Vänskä, wherein he referred to the bad weather of chilly rain, and said something about, had the weather been colder, we would have had a nice crisp snowy day and "good" weather. Amen, Finland. I'm for it.

[mimekiller]

wait is the daughter that you wanted to have a jacket 18 years old

[Phoebe]

No. I am old, Father William, and exceedingly gray, but not that old.

[Mike]

Well, I'm old enough to have a 23 year old, and I ain't old. Hell, one of my college buddies (not from our shared circle of friends) impregnated a girl when he was in high school, so he's old enough to have a 30 year old and I think he's a little younger than me even.

So in my professional opinion, I think you ARE old enough to have an 18 year old... if you started early enough.

[Phoebe]

Yes, but I started late, so if I had an 18 year old I would be very old indeed. So old that I aspire to be that age one day. It is weird sometimes when most of the mothers of Jim's friends are somewhere in the 20s or low 30s. I am like a great and terrifying dinosaur walking among them. Sometimes positive they think I'm the grandma.

[Mike]

Yes. We had Noah at 36. I am always the oldest dad in that group.

[Tahlvin]

Ours are 21, 18, and turning 14 in a couple weeks. For our 14 year old, we've a mix with his friends' parents, where some have older siblings that knew our older kids, and others where our son's friend is their oldest child and they're much younger than us. But I just keep thinking that we had our first kid at 26 and stopped at 34 with 3 kids; but my parents started when my dad was 22 and had 5 kids by the time he turned 30.

[Ronster]

First off I will reply to your question:
Yes, this is normal behavior for a kid (mine is 15) to act that way about clothes as well as many other things

Yes, it is difficult to discipline, but you must do it for the kids' sake. Just remember that what works for one will not always work for the other

Never stoop to their level. It is healthy to let them know when they have done wrong and that it is unacceptable, but getting smart with them is a downward spiral. You need to be that granite slab that has your own set of commandments carved on it but is solid and "chill". Kids need a parent that is willing to tell them no in the right way.

Finding a compromise is good for the non deal-breaker situations. We have restricted the hours of electronics at our house, but also make allowances. Maybe you can tell your daughter that she doesn't have to wear it (since she can just take it off when she gets to school), but she must at least take it with her. This allows her to know you care, but lets her have some independence and make decisions on her own too.

As far as the sneaking the earbuds goes, this is a devious behavior and I deal with deceit harshly, but make allowances for accidents graciously. Earbuds: you could take them somewhere and put them away in your desk at work for a week. Phone/ipod is a low hanging fruit for punishment which can be easily overused.

More importantly, PICK YOUR BATTLES Not all fields are worth dying on. If we as parents dig in our heels on everything it is impossible for anyone to be happy and they will think they have to be perfect which is a big source of anxiety.

I just turned 50 March 10th and our kids are 24(married and living in Atlanta) 22,living at home and commuting to college, and 15....our high schooler who wants to go to Johns Hopkins...or Princeton. She is our rebellious one, but all of them go through that at some point.