Dad Jokes

[Mike]

I'm always mixing up the spellings of "burro" and "burrow". Seems I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground.

[Iantha]

Hey, does anyone want to buy a broken barometer?



No pressure.

[Stan]

I was gonna give you a bunch of jokes about vacuums.

But they all suck.

[Mike]

I heard a great joke about Oedipus and Midas.

It was motherfuckin gold.

[Ronster]

I just told my kids the Treant joke that Mike mentioned...only my delivery goes like this:

Me: Want to hear one of Treebeard's riddles?"

Them: Yes!

Me: Very prolonged "How..."

Them: No,no,no, stop

[mimekiller]

I once had a job circumcising elephants. The pay was bad but the tips were huge

[poorpete]

Did you hear the pun about the Mariana Trench?

Ehh, nevermind, it's the lowest form of comedy.

[poorpete]

Why do I say yes to everything?

I don't no

[poorpete]

Here's one from my six year old, it's her best one yet:

What did the duck say to the turtle?

I wing, you lose!

[Phoebe]

[Mike]

[mimekiller]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[Mike]

I don't want anyone to know how sick I am, so I'm refusing to make out a will. It's a dead giveaway.

[mimekiller]

what was the last pizza order delivered to the world trade center?

two large plains

[Walrus]

[Walrus]

To even out the ism's

Hitler was instituting a fitness program into Auschwitz
"Today, ve vill play sqvash!....
Hans vill drive the steam-roller!"

On recieving complaints from the camps, Hitler responded
"Zis is a case of mind over matter. We do not mind, and you do not matter!"

Imagine that being done while holding a finger under my nose.....

[Mike]

Stolen from XKCD:

I took a picture of the transit of Mercury and fried my telescope's imaging sensor. #nofilter

And then the mouseover text:

For some reason, the water in my pool is green and there's a weird film on the surface. #nofilter