Politeness is bullshit

[El Jefe]

Spawning from some thoughts found in other threads, and a long-running FB conversation, I've come to the realization that politeness is a gigantic waste of energy as well as little more than a tool of elitist behaviors. Let's set a few parameters here. I'm not talking about "don't be an asshole." That's a pretty simple communications and social interaction philosophy that every non-asshole can comprehend. I'm talking about the ingrained social behaviors we like to call "being polite."

1. "God Bless You / Bless You" - This is a shining example. We've taken an incredibly archaic, fear-based response to the idea that you just blew your soul out through your nose, and codified it as an automatic reaction. While I'd rather not, we'll set aside the bizarre Christian exclusionary baggage that this unpacks. Let's just look at it from a social angle. Somebody just had one of those monster sneezes that sounds and looks painful. Instead of asking something proactive, something actually helpful ("Need a tissue?" "You okay?"); we're worried about the fate of your immortal soul and its journey through your nasal cavities. Not that you might have snot in your hand, or whiplash in your neck. Because that's extremely helpful and caring at this time. And that, on its own, is all kinds of shitty. But it is the second part of this scenario that drives me crazy. The inevitable response when someone doesn't interact. "Why didn't you say god bless you?" It's a weapon, pure and simple. Whether via an outsider observer or the sneez-ee, it is there for public shaming. It exists to teach somebody how much better you are than them.

2. "Polite discussion / polite company" - Oh, how the business world (and family gatherings) loves this one. We'll set aside profanity-laced, daily Jefe tirades in the retail world. Let's just look at your general acrimonious or tense meeting. There's a topic under discussion that's generating some strong responses. Not asshole responses; not arguing; not screaming matches. Just genuine, intense discussion with strong opinions on a new policy or issue. When the discussion turns to something that an individual (often, but not exclusively, management) is uncomfortable discussing or wishes to avoid, the "polite discussion" card comes out. When the family's racist uncle starts to get schooled by a 12 year old about how wrong they are about Black Lives Matter, the "polite company" card comes out. It doesn't exist for the purpose of trigger warnings or subject keycodes/ratings (to warn folks about potentially objectionable material). It exists as a tool to beat down, and shut down discussion that YOU do not want. It exists solely for the purpose of enforcing a given worldview or mindset (often parochial and full of related bullshit), while not allowing any other possible suggestions or ideas to be presented.

3. "Impolite / Impertinent / Overreaction " - There's a meme floating around recently about a 14 year old female student dressing down a principal about rape culture, after she punched a male student who was pursuing dating in a hyper-aggressive manner. That situation itself has been unpacked quite well many times already, by folks far more eloquent than me. We'll leave it in their hands. I'd wager that most folks have had or know of a similar interaction from their social community. While it ties into #2, it's really the fusion of #1 and #2. You get the shaming and the enforcement all in one giant bag of bullshit. The user wants the subject of discussion shut down RIGHT NOW, while simultaneously pointing out to the audience that this person is a terrible human being and HOW DARE THEY. Rather than doing a self-evaluation (even at a later time), rather than figuring out why this particular subject bothers you so damn much; you immediately go on the offensive. Mostly, because you're an asshole.

So, in summary, politeness is faker than professional wrestling and more bullshit than dress codes.

[Kyle]

People conduct themselves in different manners depending on the company they are in. Sometimes this is called politeness. Sometimes it's called Horror Movie Night. Sometimes its called Let's Watch Some Fucking Football. Everyone does these things. Everyone modifies their behavior depending on the circumstances. And these are things we want. We don't want everyone blurting out whatever they want at a town hall meeting without-- you know-- following the rules established for such an event.

I mean- rule following is politeness, right? Or if you want the Wil Weaton negative view of it- "Not being a dick" is politeness, right?

It's polite not to talk in the theaters. We want people to be polite in the theaters.

What you're doing is picking some particular circumstances that others think should be handled one way that you don't agree with. But that doesn't mean that "politeness is bullshit" because then we're going to have a bunch of Jeff Hauzes yelling throughout all the movies. And no one wants that.

And for what it's worth, I'm an atheist that always tells someone "Bless you" when they sneeze. Because it tends to make people happy when I do that. And it makes me happy when I make someone else happy. Is that bullshit? Maybe. But why do you care?

[El Jefe]

[El Jefe]

And I should clarify, as Kyle pointed out quite well. Yes, inflammatory topic and summary (bordering on trollish), but meant only to spur discussion or highlight examples of when it works as a negative.

4. "Crosstalk" - This one likely applies more specifically to retail working environments and/or call centers. This loves to be thrown out there as a management technique for enforcing an outdated view of the retail world. Sure, there are absolutely times when the subject being discussed is probably not appropriate, or that two workers having a discussion are either forsaking customer service or talking too loudly. But having an inflexible, all-consuming policy of "coworkers cannot speak to each other" breeds a terrible working environment and serves more frequently as a tool for terrible managers to cut off any possible critique (helpful, negative, or otherwise) of policies and procedures.

[Mike]

Similar to Kyle, my entire definition of politeness is simply, "Don't be a dick." However there are other, perfectly correct definitions as well. What you (Jefe) are listing as "polite" are things I would define for myself as "proper", in the sense of "prim and..." And proper is definitely bullshit in most cases. So when I read your posts, I'm just substituting in my own term and finding that I agree with you on the whole.

[Phoebe]

Doubt my views on this are a secret or worth repeating... Obviously I'm a big fan of both politeness and etiquette, but also at the same time a big fan of the merciless skewering and abandonment of social conventions that aren't about making other people feel good and welcome and appreciated, but are mainly there to police bad boundary lines and hierarchies. Jeff's examples are like this. But this too is part of etiquette! It's far ruder to call someone out for committing some social faux pas (especially by publicly shaming them!) than it is to commit the faux pas itself, usually. So Jeff, embrace the light. You aren't against Emily Post; you want to BE her by setting the proper standards of propriety. That's an admirable thing! Thanks for your defense of real politeness.

[El Jefe]

I'm only Emily on Friday nights, and the post definitely doesn't get capitalized. More importantly, we agreed to never mention this in public, after you "accidentally" came into the Wild Stallion.

[Phoebe]

Come now, I'm sure we all agree it deserves to be capitalized.