My Transgender Son

[Tahlvin]

I don't usually write long posts like this, and usually don't like to share very much personal information online. But the people on these boards are have seemed generally supportive of this issue, or have gone through similar issues from a parenting perspective, and I need to share/talk with someone about this.

Last Thursday, as some of the folks in the Runelords game know if they read the chart archive, our oldest daughter informed my wife and I that she is not a girl. He started out by asking us if he could tell us anything (to which our answer was definitive: nothing you could tell us would make us love you any less). As he stumbled through trying to get the words out, we continued to encourage him. And when he finally got the words out, and looked at us expectantly, my first response was to turn to my wife and say, "I figured as much." And my wife's response was similar, "Me too." We then gave our son a big hug and life returned to normal, though very much different.

As parents, we saw the subtle signs for years. As he went away to college last fall, and got into a diverse college community with good support groups, the signs became more prevalent as he began to transition, by cutting his hair shorter and buying men's clothing. And his comments regarding social views expressed on Facebook by some of his relatives gave us insight into his frame of mind. So it was not a surprise, as my wife and I both had our suspicions but refrained from mentioning them to each other or our son.

I felt proud as he talked about choosing his new name. Yes, there are pangs for my wife and I that the birth name we chose, which in our minds has come to be synonymous to this person and rattles off our tongues without thought, will be shed for another name. It was a distinctive first name, a rarely-used Irish name with an interesting spelling, followed by a middle name that was used commonly in both my wife's and my family. His brother and sister also have Irish first names and family-based middle names. But as he described choosing his new name, and choosing an uncommon Irish name that is distinctive with an interesting spelling, I saw it as him honoring the birth name we had chosen. And with time, this new name will become synonymous to this person in our minds, just as the birth name did, and will eventually roll off the tongue just as easily. Or rather, as parents with multiple kids know, it will become one more name that we cycle through when trying to refer to any of our kids when in a hurry.

He is the same person he has always been, and we are proud of him for who he is. Although it will certainly take us time to adapt to using new pronouns and a new name. You cannot change overnight habits that were developed over almost 20 years! In fact, I had to read over this essay several times and update the pronouns before publishing this, since I am just so used to writing "she/her" with regard to this child of ours. But it is an effort we are willing to make. And it is not made any easier by it being a transition-in-progress: some people know and some people do not. Our other daughter knows, but our younger son does not yet know, and neither do any of the grandparents or extended family, neighbors, or family friends, so there are still many times we will be using his birth name and pronouns for quite a while, just to keep things interesting.

And I would be lying if I said we were not worried for our son. Life can be hard enough in our society without being transgender. As parents, we want to protect our children and make life easy for them, and that becomes harder when your child is transgender. It's one more reason that can be used to discriminate against your child, which you do not like to see. But we are confident he has a good head on his shoulders, and will provide whatever support we are able to provide as he moves forward through life.

I do worry about his relationships with his extended family. He has a cousin who would be considered an Evangelical Christian, and who has posted comments on Facebook that she will not send her daughter to public school if her state passes a transgender bathroom bill. I hope he is able to at least give these relatives a chance to have a relationship; perhaps being able to put a face to the "opposition" will change hearts. But knowing that my son prefers to avoid confrontation, I understand if he does not want to play the role of advocate-for-change for these people.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

[Mike]

Obviously, he has a hard road ahead of him, and he's fortunate to have a supportive family through what will certainly be a rough period of transition as more and more people learn about his identity and new name and so many other things that go along with this.

In the long run, I think all that most parents want for their children is that they are good people and they find happiness in their lives. I know you well enough to assume that the first part of that equation is covered. Now he's on the right track to finding happiness for himself as well.

Thank you for sharing.

[Elle]

Thank you for posting - and for being such a good and supportive Dad. I can only imagine this is very difficult from your perspective too. Honestly, it would be very difficult for me. Holding the belief that transgender people shouldn't be discriminated against, or that this situation reflects a basic biological reality, doesn't make it a lot easier for me to imagine one of my own kids making such a transition. Without really intending to - and in fact while intending to resist some of the pernicious ways gender roles are determined in our culture - I still end up seeing my kids as a particular sex, and being attached to the way I see them. You seem to have handled this with grace and acceptance, and that by itself surely has to help your son deal with at least some of the additional challenges faced in this world.

I doubt there's much you can do about the situation with the relatives; I have some of those relatives and even hearing the basic attitudes about things like gay sex are more than I can tolerate. However, it helps to know that past personal problems and psychological reasons are motivating those specific people to be drawn to what they perceive as the moral clarity of Christianity. In other words, they're dealing with their own issues by adopting this extremist view, so I figure if they can't accept other people, it means they're still working on that journey. On the other hand, this is why we don't hang out much. There's a lot to be said for relationships that involve warm greeting cards and annual brief glimpses.

[Bluedevyl]

Thank you so much for posting this. I hope that if either of my children has the same experience, I can respond with as much grace and understanding as you have. As you said, he will face challenges in the world. It's wonderful that they won't come from home.

One of the things that I have experienced with my family is that you really are your family first. I have upwards of 15 first cousins in my family, and we come from all areas of life (at least all areas that can be described by any Irish Catholic-esque Bostonian family) and we are all very close. I know, for us at least, that experiences that my cousins have had have caused us all to re-examine our stances or ideas on certain things. I sincerely hope that your son's cousin has the same experience. Perhaps having a cousin who is transgendered will cause this person to rethink their stance on the whole idea.

[Zen]

WOW! I knew I missed something early in the session, but it had already scrolled off the screen and I couldn't get the log to come up to read it... By the time we finished the session, I was so tired that it slipped my mind to go back and read, so I am SO HAPPY that you posted here about this as well.

First things first: Bravo to you and your wife as parents, and congratulations to your son on this major life event. I hope he is more at ease in his own skin now that he has been able to tell you.

As many of you know, my daughter came out as bisexual when she was in middle school. (Though she now uses the term Polysexual, as this includes transgender and nonbinary people as people she is attracted to.) She is, frankly, rather adamant about living her life openly and when she went off to boarding school for high school this fall, when her "wing mates" in her residence hall were doing a "getting to know you" session, she stated her sexuality proudly as one of the first "facts" she shared about herself. This lead to a cascade of fellow new students sharing their sexuality. It seems that her school is rather a statistical anomaly in terms of the percentage of LGBTQ+ people. (She told her best friend from home not to worry about her because her high school is "The gayest school on the face of the earth." A line that only someone who identifies as LGBTQ+ can really get away with saying... My wife and I have a theory about this, since many of them don't seem to have the same type of supportive families as ours and Tahlvin's.)

Her boyfriend recently changed his name from his birth name to a masculine name of his choosing. (I am not sure if he considers himself trans, or if he is nonbinary presenting masculine, but he prefers male pronouns and a masculine name, so that is good by me.) He is a great kid and has been a huge help to our daughter as she continues to struggle with her health due to her thyroid and migrane problems. He was actually largely responsible for her starting regular counselling sessions, which have helped her deal with the stress considerably. Unfortunately, his parents are not very supportive and this has been a major source of stress for my daughter. (She really takes offense to the lack of support many of her friends get from their parents. We try to get her to understand that not everyone thinks the same way, but she seems to think that they are just wrong... She is a bit opinionated... No idea where she gets that? )

But this isn't about her issues. It is a celebration of your son's bravery!

Know that if you ever need to talk about things, I will be happy to lend an ear!

(Incidentally, I had a very similar reaction to my daughter coming out. I wasn't sure if she was bi or lesbian, but as early as about 9 or 10, I could just tell for some reason that she wasn't heterosexual... I have no idea why.)

[Kyle]

Congratulations! I'm not sure that's the right thing to say, but I would hope that y'all and your son can celebrate this milestone. It's not going to be easy- but who is it easy for? I got stuck with eight kids that have ensured I'll live in poverty forever. And no one is to blame for that-- it's just life!

No, but seriously, congratulations. I glad that you and your wife were so open and accepting, and my heart breaks for the anxiety and fear that your son must have felt in having the conversation. Now you can all go forward living your lives as the people you are.

[DMDarcs]

I think I made my point clear on the Runelords game, or at least I hope that I did. But rock on. You're doing the right thing, and I wish you the best of luck on the struggles that your son may have to go through in the years to come. I have difficulty imagining the feelings you, your wife, and your children are going through, but I'm sure that you're going about it all the right way.

[Stan]

Tahlvin, I've always known you to be a good and strong person. This proves it more. I'm glad you're all handling things well. Growing up is hard enough as it is without the increased potential for being singled out as the target of prejudice.

I can't know what you're going through but I do have an inkling. My oldest would kill me for saying this in any public way as they are intensely private and easily embarrassed, but they feel that they are neither male nor female. It's not the cause but I think it's played a role in their depression.

[El Jefe]

Tahlvin, as much through my own personal issues and personal perception of you (incorrect or otherwise), we've had a few go-arounds (likely unnecessary) and were never exactly buddies.

Well done, sir. You've already made a big effort to adapt to the changing life circumstances, and shown exactly how a whole lot more parents need to learn to react. As much as the changes may impact you, it isn't about you. It's about your kid. You've clearly prioritized their own needs and desires long before anything that may come out of your own headspace. Well done, indeed.

I've had far more LGBTQ family and friends than not. Admittedly, there's far better sources of knowledge than myself. But if there's anything I can offer, feel free to drop a line.

[Tahlvin]

Thanks everybody.

I'll be honest, my wife is struggling with this. Our son came came home from college just briefly to attend the high school musical for which our daughter was in the crew. So he delivered the news, then 15 minutes later was out the door to attend the play, then back at college for finals week. My wife has been a stay at home mom for almost 20 years, and was more a jock than a geek, so she hasn't had much exposure to or discussion of transgenderism as have I. So she's going through a mix of emotions, has a lot of questions and concerns, and our son is not around to answer those questions or have a discussion with her. And it's not really something you want to discuss over the phone or by text, but needs to be face-to-face. She wants to be supportive, and she loves him unconditionally, but at the same time she's mourning the loss of the daughter-that-was, and it has certainly brought on a bout with depression.

I pick up our son from college today, and he'll be home for a couple weeks before he moves back on campus for summer term. And during that time, our other kids will still be in school, so we'll have plenty of time during the school day where they can talk and he can hopefully answer my wife's questions.

[Eliahad]

I hope that understanding is achieved! Speaking from a slightly different kind of personal experience, there may be a period of grief. Not because of anything that anyone did or because love has been lost, but to have one's point of view shifted so radically so quickly, adjustment can take time and patience. Conversation will help and is needed and necessary, I think.

I wish the best of luck to your son and your family! And congratulations on the bravery and the acceptance, neither of which comes easily!

[Mike]

I feel like hugging everyone now and crying. That doesn't come off as creepy does it?

[akiva]

[Zen]

[Elle]

[Tahlvin]

We had a somewhat long discussion yesterday afternoon. Apparently, my son started suspecting something was wrong way back in 5th or 6th grade. He didn't say anything about it, because how in the heck do you talk about something like that. Finally, during his second term at college, when he wasn't quite as overwhelmed with classes and work, he started seeing a therapist and discussing the questions and the feelings. After listening to everything, the therapist said there's a X% he is transgender (where X is a somewhat high number but less than 100%, because therapists don't like to be exact).

As he described it, it's like the mind has a map of the body. It's normal during puberty in cisgendered individuals for the map to be a little off, like missing some new streets and showing some streets that have actually closed. But his map felt way off, like he was trying to drive across the US with a map of Europe. He mentioned an incident in 6th grade or so where he hit his hip on a countertop, and my wife talked about how it would get worse when he got older and his hips got wider, and that has always stuck with him as just not feeling "right."

Another good description he had was that it's like having your shoes on the wrong feet. But when everyone looks at you, they say the shoes are on the correct feet, maybe they're just not the right color for you. But you know they're on the wrong feet, and switching them to the other feet will fix everything. And the thing is, you can still walk around with the shoes on the wrong feet, but it's not comfortable and not efficient.

He is probably going to start some hormone therapy soon, with an eye on gender reassignment surgery at some point in the future. It's a frightening thought, your child undergoing surgery to drastically alter their appearance. But the alternatives are: 1) do nothing and live uncomfortably within a body that's not "right", or 2) poke around in the brain to try to try to fix the brain's map of the body, which is dangerous, or 3) have the surgery and make the body match as much as possible with the brain's map of that body. It's still frightening: here's a child who could never really swallow pills, and for whom we had to buy liquid Tylenol even as a teenager, and he wants to have a painful surgery and lifelong hormone therapy.

And my wife is still struggling with it. I think it's helpful for her to hear this is something that has been going on for years, and that it's not something he was talked into by a manipulative therapist or group of friends. But it's still turned a part of her world upside down, and she needs time to adapt.

[Zen]

[bralbovsky]

Wow, cool. I really love the metaphors, maps and shoes...and while I know there's wrestling, I'm sure you'll make the best decisions because of how much you love the kid. That's always it isn't it? Andrew Solomon has a book and a TED talk about parenting and culture; he's studied it a lot and has some great insights. Just hang in, and keep loving the kid, and know that we're here if you need us.

[Cazmonster]

Best of luck man - luckily our area has a bunch of trans-positive resources and people.

[Zen]

You know... the more I think about it, the more impressed and happy I am about how you and your wife are dealing with this. Granted, it is how ANYONE should deal with their child telling them that they are not quite who everyone thought they were for any reason, and I realize that your wife is still having some issues, but, from what you have said, those issues don't extend to not being accepting of your son's reality.

Where this is coming from is thinking about the MANY kids my daughter knows who are either nonbinary (agender, gender fluid, etc...) or trans. Early in the school year she dealt with the meltdown of one friend when their parents refused to order them a tuxedo for their choir outfit and made them wear a dress. Her best friend has been virtually unreachable practically all year because they are grounded from all forms of communication by their parents because of their "bad choices". (These choices include being attracted to girls and being nonbinary...) She has had to resort to checking up on them via mutual friends that go to their school and occasionally chating via other people's phones. And her boyfriend's parents are, last I heard, totally not accepting his pronoun or name preferences. (I don't know if her boyfriend is trans or nonbinary presenting male, but he prefers masculine pronouns and wants to be called by a masculine name instead of his birth name.) As far as I can tell, only one of her friends at school who is either nonbinary or trans has the support of their parents.

So... yeah... you guys rock! And there is a disproportionately large number of kids at IMSA who are LGBTQ+... (I think the biggest issue their SPECTRUM organization (GSA equivalent) is dealing with at their school is the need for more, and more conveniently located, gender neutral bathrooms for use by the nonbinary and trans students. The only one in the building is a "family restroom" located near the gym, most likely because of the fact that families attend basketball and volleyball games there... It makes it hard for the students who need those facilities to use them during passing times. The fact that there are enough students in need of these facilities to make is an issue is ... different.)