Conservative in the Workplace

[Cazmonster]

I'm having to deal with a conservative who won't shut the fuck up at work. I may have to start wearing my noise-cancelling headphones all night every night which really aggravates me.

The doublespeak and 'nobody can be sure' along with the constant blathering is going to eventually lead to violence. I really like my job better than the idea of turning this guy into a wet prune.

[poorpete]

Sorry! Could HR help or be helpless, or is there no HR?

My little section at work are all pretty liberal, which only got irritating during the primaries when the Bernie-supporters were posting pro-Bernie stuff not just on their walls which is fine, but on a wall that could either be called mine, or at the very least a collective wall. Then the occasional "Bernie would have won" stuff now. Otherwise, we're a pretty close group, ideologically, including one born in Beijing who was helpful to put the fears of totalitarianism into context and how to cope if/when it arrives... I think I should talk to her more.

For the most part, though, even together, we are often quiet about things.

Anyways, I'd loathe to deal with that every day, I'm sorry.

[Cazmonster]

Thanks man.

I just wish he'd shut up. Every time I hear double-speak coming out of him I want to wreck him with obvious facts.

Instead of creating a hostile work environment, I will rock my headphones.

[Phoebe]

I would just give him that smile that says, this smile is the unavoidable surplus of my attempt to suppress the powerful desire to bust out laughing at you. No need to explain or use words. There is no use of words or reason or fact that would be helpful with such a person anyway, but they do usually respond anxiously to being ridiculed, so that's all one has left. Every day at work I have to cooperate on projects with a person who has some of the most fact-independent political beliefs I have ever encountered, and it's frustrating, but I try to remind myself that most people's political motivations derive from emotion so it's not like we're all so pure. I mean, even my own political beliefs derive from emotions spawned by facts, and most people don't share those emotions (like how I feel when I contemplate the climate-changed earth my kids or grandkids will inhabit).

[Kyle]

I mean this sincerely, Caz- think about how lucky you are to live in a place where you're not surrounded by those people. Because that's how it is for me in Texas- not in my office, but in my personal life, amongst my circle of friends, everyone involved in the court system.

But here's my advice, and I really mean this as good advice- this is your problem not theirs. You can't get angry when someone says something you hate or that's offensive. Otherwise, you would be angry all the time. And the only person that works for is the Hulk.

[Mike]

Yup. I'm not shy about my opinions, but sometimes the whole speaking up thing gets tiresome and I'm just not in the mood to do it. I live in rural Nebraska. The only redder state than us was Wyoming. If we're at any social event, I simply avoid talking about politics, because it's just not worth it. And every once in a while, I remove myself from the situation. When there's a dozen people sitting around a campfire, and everyone's at least 3 beers in... the moment someone starts screaming about Benghazi or "we need to go back to cutting criminals hands off" or whatever other misinformed thing it is... that's when I quietly excuse myself and go look at the stars. Because there's no winning there.

Now, among some groups--some good friends; some of my wife's close family--I'll speak up sometimes. Because with these people, I have a relationship of mutual respect, and we may disagree to an extreme, but we'll have a real conversation, and we'll listen to each other, and people mostly keep it to actual news and facts without straying too far into partisan conspiracy territory.

But conversations like that require the right people and nuanced discussion and time. And sometimes I'd rather just get back to playing Apples to Apples or whatever.

[Kyle]

My one exception to this is racist or sexist stuff. If I hear someone drop a racist slur or call a woman a cunt, then I stop the conversation, shake my head and say, "Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Those are words you can't say to me." Just like that.

[Mike]

Fortunately, that's not something that comes up around me. I'm glad for that. I can't remember the last time I heard someone use an actual racial slur around me. My standard response to mild racism or sexist is to simply say, "Wow. That's racist (or sexist or whatever)."

[Kyle]

[Mike]

Up here, it's "beaner", but even that I haven't heard in a couple years.

[Phoebe]

I'm glad people are actually speaking up about blatantly racist or sexist remarks. My kids hear things like this sometimes - heck, I still hear it! Someone said an incredibly rude and sexist thing to me right to my face at work last week. It's one of those situations where you could waste the energy complaining, or you can smile to yourself and realize, I have that person's number now, and I might have more power than he does, so I'm going to move the hell on to more important things.

That's also how I feel about political rudeness in the workplace - and to be fair, I've both witnessed and been on the receiving end of it from people on the "left" side, so I know it could go the other way. If you're going to say dumb things about your political beliefs in the workplace, well, now I know who you are and where you stand, and I'll move on to more important things. I find that anything you express loud convictions about in the workplace is a mistake because it hands people a Thing to use against you. Unfortunate and probably indicative of excessive machiavellian shrewdness on my part, but there it is. If you're strident about anything, people will use it against you.

[Cazmonster]

I have been lucky as far as people not using epithets in the NOC. A few years ago, there were people referring to some of the work we do as 'bitch-work'. I stood up and said that was inappropriate and I would not tolerate it in my 'big adult' voice. Those who used it apologized, like immediately apologized. Since then, my direct supervisor has backed me on it.

Should anyone ever decide they can use racial or sexual epithets in my presence at work is going to wind up on the wrong side of HR. I won't hesitate to call them on it when it gets used and I won't hesitate to get them written up.

And Kyle - good point about me being in what amounts to a liberal stronghold. Thanks for your input on this.

[El Jefe]

While I respect Mike and Kyle for their continued determination to try and retain those among their circle of friends and family that show markedly different viewpoints than their own, I'll offer my own examples as a bit of a contrast.

I recently cut off ties with someone who was pretty much central to me getting clean. Both times. I've known this person for just about 15 years. They've taken me through two multi-year tours of NA to get clean both times. They sat with me through my first (and thankfully, only) bout with detox, an experience I've thankfully never had to repeat. (And thank Cthulhu and the Pasta Monster for that.) I've attended their wedding as a part of the wedding party, stood with them for two baptisms (as a pretty strongly opinionated atheist), and carried the casket for the funeral of a spouse and a child. And in most of that time, we've worked on the philosophy of "agree to disagree." Things...didn't quite go that way this time.

We've had a few conversations leading up to the election, and I'll admit to sort of dodging contact just afterwards. It came to a head on a recent visit. After some mild discussion, and a pointed attempt to steer clear of election topics, I was asked how my family (in particular, my two moms) were doing. Side note: While I've been rather close friends with this person and their family, I've worked pretty hard to keep my NA circle out of my circle of friends and family. There's a multitude of good reasons to do so, and if somebody really wants to know why, I can delve into that somewhere else.

So, seeing no potential minefields with a "How's everybody doing?" question, I gave about four sentences on how the degenerative conditions both my moms suffer from have had some not so great periods lately. A passing mention to some minor conflicts regarding insurance, and the general annoying nature of getting older combined with long-term health issues. Pretty standard stuff. What I got in return was:

"Yeah, thankfully, Trump will really help to make sure that all those long-term losers with all those fake medical conditions jacking up insurance will get the boot. Good people like your moms won't have to pay for those abusers anymore. You know, that fake stuff like fibromyalgia, lupus, those made-up immune disorders. What's your moms dealing with again?"

"Sjorgren's Syndrome, active status. One of those 'made-up' immune disorders. And the other one has active-onset non-medicative Fibromyalgia, grade II."

A few key points: This fellow has known that for years. He's literally sent two rather nice, handwritten letters to my moms at the holidays within the past three years with those actual condition names in them. One of them had been written less than a month prior. We had just spoken about that letter, and my thanks for what he wrote, the day prior, specifically with me calling out thanks on him remembering the names. He's participated in two charity events for immune disorders, and was wearing the t-shirt from one of those events as we spoke. His wife suffers from a decade long battle to get quality care and an accurate diagnosis for a really vicious combination of lupus and Chronic Fatigue.

There's probably a good two minutes of total silence. "I'm going to go grab a smoke." In the process of trying to extricate myself and get some breathing room, he grabs my arm. "Hey, I'm not one of those bigoted, close-minded folks, Jeff. You know that. I want to make our country what it should be, what it was like, you know? I don't want to see it get torn down, and torn apart anymore by those really divisive special interest groups, that's all."

I'll take a whole lot. I live in an area where I need to be extremely careful what I say and undertake, or I risk physical backlash and long-term harassment for my family. I've lived here most of my life, so I understand the battleground before me. Family (and let's be clear, blood doesn't default mean family, and blood also isn't necessary to be family) is the one spot you do not want to go after with me. While I'm great with a good rant, love to curse somebody out, and can generally be a loud asshole towards the conservative side of the spectrum, I'm not somebody who actually blows up that often. And then I realized how often I would stay quiet in these situations. At work, with this sort of person, with a neighbor. And I suddenly remembered that I wasn't raised to be quiet. And I didn't want to be quiet anymore.

"Please remove your hand from my arm, right now. I'm going for a smoke. I'll be back in a bit."
"Listen, we need to talk about this man. I'm not insulting your moms, you know that, right? Just the other ones. The ones that always have some kind of angle to make average people feel bad for being honest."

That was pretty much it. Tea kettle whistle time. "The angle is pretty simple. Whatever your reasoning was, whatever valid line of thought took you to the conclusion you reached in that voting booth...it came out to a very simple end result. The message you sent to me, and to my family, was incredibly clear. While I admire you sticking to your principles, it's led to the very clear message that you have no concern or care for what the ramifications are for my family. For me. And I expected more from a friend like you. Your vote was your own to make. But the results of what your vote adds support to, the way it emboldens previously quiet and far more hidden segments of the population...the way it normalizes poor behavior. That's something you and I will continue to live with. And it's not something I can forget or forgive anymore. GET THE FUCK OFF MY ARM, YOU MISERABLE, COWARDLY LITTLE SHIT. I WILL LITERALLY PISS ON YOUR GRAVE WHEN YOU DIE. YOU BETTER HOPE THAT I DIE FIRST, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE TWIT."

I left. When I got home two hours later, I had an email from his recently graduated college-age daughter. Apparently, she heard us start our "discussion", and recorded quite a bit of the discussion on video (which is where I've pulled most of the dialogue directly from). She's been trying to come out to her family for two months, and told her mom. When she mentioned to her mom that she was really scared of talking to her dad about it with how much he's changed in the last year, her mom didn't understand. She showed her mom the video. I'm told that it didn't go over very well with her mom.

I haven't spoken to him again. I won't. And I'll keep an eye on the obituaries and the water jug handy. In the meantime, it's been incredibly liberating to use that drive to really evaluate who is actually bringing a honest and balanced relationship to the table among friends and family. I've lost some, when I stopped being quiet and started (far more politely than the first encounter) being someone who wasn't willing to compromise their own values for the sake of name or title in the family/friends circle. I've gained some more, and surprisingly, I've gotten deeper relationships with some that were pretty superficial ones before this.

You do what you need. If that means headphones, go for it. If that means a peaceful and measured approach...to picking your battles as it were, that's what you need. And if it's about not being quiet anymore, then that's what you need.

[Phoebe]

I'm sorry that happened, that sounds like a really awful experience, not to mention the loss of someone who was otherwise important.