Can we talk about Bidets?

[Kyle]

As a joke, I bought a device that you add to your existing toilet to make it into a bidet. Order yours . The plan was- when the entire family was gone, I was going to just install it and not say anything and wait for someone to discover it. Of course, I don't have that much willpower. On our way to the RenFaire, I found out it was delivered and told everyone about it.

But here's the deal:

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING

While all the rest of you are just smearing shit all over your skin- I'm essentially giving my ass a shower everytime I use it.

The best.

Seriously.

The best.

[Mike]

You have my attention.

[Elle]

I don't, uh, do that thing you said. There is no stuff of the kind you mentioned available out there to do that with. MEN ARE DIFFERENT IN KIND MAYBE.

IMPORTANT EDIT: The advertisement appears to be aimed at or somehow involving women, using this thing. I am not understanding that. Maybe the women also different in kind. Maybe they need to do that if men are given access to certain things. I don't know, I can't speculate. All I know is that if I showered my butt off every time I went to the potty, the only thing different would be that I would have a Wet Butt, which is not desirable to me.

[Kyle]

Well, obviously if you don't poop, Elle- you have no use for it.

But for those of us that do-- WHOA! Seriously, folks. The only need I have for toilet paper now is to pat dry. So amazing.

[Elle]

I don't want to rain on your bidet, oh ha hahaha, I can't help myself, since it seems awesome for men with butts, but I really do not see how this device can be used by women. I'm going to need testimony from them. Other things come out that you really, really, don't want to add water to. And for those women who, unlike me, actually poop, how is it not spraying germs in places where you don't want germs sprayed? Not understanding.

[Kyle]

Your analogy is like saying: Don't shower- it just spreads the filth around more. It washes your ass. IT WASHES YOUR ASS!

I can't tout this enough. My life is marked in two time periods- before and after the bidet.

[Elle]

I'm dying over here. My real worry is that you're going to talk Ron into getting a bidet attachment.

[Mike]

Why do you care? If you never use it, then it doesn't affect you. Until the kids discover the entertainment value of it. But that's Ron's problem since he was the one who insisted on a bidet, right?

[Mike]

Why do you care? If you never use it, then it doesn't affect you. Until the kids discover the entertainment value of it. But that's Ron's problem since he was the one who insisted on a bidet, right?

[Kyle]

By the way- be careful with the pressure control. If you turn my on to full power, the stream is strong enough to hit the vanity mirror at a height of five feet.

Elle- I get that you don't need to wash your butt. But guys are gross, and it's really in everyone's interest for a guy to make sure his ass is showered clean as often as possible.

But to your credit, Elle- none of the women in my family will use it.

[Elle]

I thought you guys knew my husband. Doesn't take a lot of imagination to figure out what he's going to want the next time his butt is Crystal Pure Clean.

[Kyle]

A bamboo drying pad from tushy.me?

If anyone is interested in buying one- I can give you a link that will get you $10 off, and I get a $10 amazon card. (I just discovered this on their site when I was trying to find a link to the bamboo drying pads.)

[Elle]

Oh hell no, drying pads. The same people who sell moon cups are behind this devilry somewhere, one assumes.

[Reika]

I tried a bidet once, it was exceedingly uncomfortable. I'll stick to the special wet wipes for butts.