Nerd Pride Radio

The second matchup of the first round proves to be a real barn-burner! As the odds on favorite, we have Paper Pushing Rock Cutters. I don't have to tell you the impressiveness of this guy- his record speaks for itself: 83-4-1. Three of those losses can hardly count, as he got them from the 8 time consecutive champion Kyle Picked Scissors. And the last one wasn't as much a loss as it was a DNP due to injury when his now-familiar rapid throw of paper dislocated each of his fingers in his right hand. Paper Pushing Rock Cutters knows the drill and only participates to devastate his opponents.

Our other competitor is Papyrus, the enigmatic master of orientalism and other borderline racist stereotypes. Always recognized for his trademark sarcoline-colored kimonos, he also possesses a mental game that some have called psychic. While technically supernatural mind reading is not outlawed by the World RPS Congress' bylaws, it is generally frowned upon by traditionalists. While neither confirming nor denying any mental powers, Papyrus has only responded by nodding knowingly, and then speaking in a language that can only be described as "what a white guy thinks Chinese sounds like."

So competitors, move to the center of the ring, give the ceremonial wink and then... LET'S THROW FINGERS!

The kimono silk and papyrus represent the ancient ways, before the Chinese gave everyone paper. This guy has a deep method, beware.

Are these competitors suffering from hand cramps? C'mon! You're holding up everybody else!

PRRC? Do you pronounce that as "PRICK"?

Papyrus, schmapyrus! More like toiletpapyrus!

They're afraid to face you if they win, maybe.

Sorry... I was down with a nasty stomach bug yesterday... Will throw now... You don't want what my body was wanting to throw yesterday!

Beware then Papyrus: his throw is contagious.

PPRK adjusts his pocket-protector, pushes his black, horn-rimmed glasses, puts his hands together in front of his chest and bows deeply at the waist. "Papyrus, I honor your ancient traditions. May the best throw win!"

Also sorry, was out of communication with sick kid yesterday and trying to get to bed as early as possible as last several nights have been rough due to the same.

Just submitted my move, I imagine this will resolve soon, so please insert some cleverly thought out trash talk here.

Well we've stayed up late into the night for this one, Rockettes, but I'm sure it will be worth it. The opponents have exchanged pleasantries and appear to be nodding in the most gentlemanly way. Refreshing? Yes, and something we haven't seen in the RPS ring in a long time. The World RPS Congress should really follow these guys' model as a civil and more... HOLY BARRY, BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD! IT WAS A TRAP! UNBELIEVABLE! Papyrus looked like he was extending a hand for a friendly shake, but then he swept the leg! HE SWEPT THE LEG! Paper Pushing Rock Cutters is down and it looks like he might have to forfeit! Oh sweet macaroni, this is unreal! What a low blow, and poor Paper Pushing Rock Cutters is going to have to bow out due to a dastardly tactic by... WHAT'S THIS? He's getting back up?!? Stay down, Paper Pushing Rock Cutters! It's not worth it! His leg is bent backwards, and yet.. AND YET... HE'S STANDING BACK UP! And what's this? He's thrown Rock! Through all the adversity and pain, he's thrown... OH NO! With a cunning smile, Papyrus holds out his flat hand, like he knew this would happen the entire time! He's thrown paper and poor, poor Paper Pushing Rock Cutters looks like he can't stand up even a minute.. OH THERE HE GOES! HE'S DOWN! While Papyrus is relishing his victory, Paper Pushing Rock Cutters will have to seek medical attention and see if he can even compete in the loser's bracket. And one must wonder if the World RPS Congress will be investigating these shenanigans by the mysterious and villainous Papyrus!

[Takes out duct tape and makes a makeshift splint with a slide-rule.]

With a name like that, he had to throw paper! The atmosphere in the crowd was already electric, but after the takedown leg sweep it was Mayhem.

It was a psych out! Who would think he'd throw paper with a name like that... Too obvious! (I fell for it...)