[NBR:RPST]Round 4 Losers: Zombie v. Pete

[Kyle]

It's the battle of the heels! Here we are with the penultimate matchup in the losers bracket! The winner goes on to meet the Janken King to determine who will go to the finals! The loser... GOES HOME! And I normally don't cheer for contestants to lose- but we're all going to be winners when one of these scoundrels has to pack it up and leave!

Our first finger blaster is Dunder Miflin Paper Company, Inc. you'll recall that this dishonest villain cheated and lied himself to this point. Rather than skill and forethought, he's relied on dirty tricks and luck. And now he's entering the ring! He's circling the ropes, egging on the boobirds in the stands! Give it to him, guys! BOOOO! GET RECYCLED, DUNDER MIFLIN PAPER COMPANY, INC.!

And here comes our next competitor! Once thought-- even by this reporter-- to be the pinnacle example of honor and civility, Zbungrub's Revenge proved in the last match that he'll resort to any nasty, dirty, underhanded trick he can to beat his opponent. Worse yet- he used his garbage tactics to defeat one of the most noble, greatest competitors we've seen since Kyle Picked Scissors retired! As an update on the ongoing World RPS Congress' investigation into Zbungrub's Revenge's cheating- the ruling body determined that the rules rely on the referee to enforce all rules prohibiting acts of interference by non-competitors. Thus, even though it was the lowest, most despicable form of victory- a victory it still is. As a mitigating result, however, Zbungrub's Revenge's son and grandson (who it turns out was just a little person posing as his grandson) have been kicked off the premises and are not allowed to be present.

Okay folks- enough of me flapping my word hole! Contestants- move to the center of the ring, give the ceremonial wink and then... LET'S THROW FINGERS!

[Zombie]

I really wish you the best of luck, Pete.

[Kyle]

Dunder Miflin Paper Company, Inc. winks slowly and awkwardly to his opponent, then turns and winks flawlessly at someone in the front row of the stands... OH MY! Is that superstar of the stage and screen, Mr. Johnny Depp? It is! And who's that delicious bite of apple pie on his arm? Could that be his old flame and new found star of the Netflix exclusive show, Stranger Things, Winona Rider? Oh sorry, no. That's just Dave Navarro. Either way, what a surprise to see that one celebrity here to witness this battle of the bunglers!

For his part, it appears the recent turmoil has taken its toll on Zbungrub's Revenge. He's approaching his opponent slowly and, oh my. He's using a can to toddle towards him. Can he really have be so put down by the events of the last few days that he can't walk under his own power? Or is this just some other ruse? It appears not! These finger fighters seem to want to get down to business! And do down on each other, they do! They're both throwing their moves! Scissors! For both! All day scissors! SWEET SANDY KOFAX! This is going to be a bruiser of a fight!

[Zombie]

Where you at, Pete? Too busy playing dress up???

[Zombie]

Get it? Cause you are a ch ch chicken.

[poorpete]

Oh yeah, well

I FEEL LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT.

That sounded more impressive in my head.

[Kyle]

Tensions are higher than Snoop Lion taking a power nap in the International Space Station! Dunder Miflin Paper Company, Inc. is circling the doddering, off-balance Zbungrub's Revenge! He must really need that cane, because he's on the verge of tipping... HANG ON SLOOPY! What's going on now? It appears that Johhny Depp has caught the referee's attention and is now offering to give him an autograph! Well isn't that generous of him? I mean, even this reporter thinks it would be dandy to just sit down and share a root beer with Mr. Depp! What a fascinating young... JUMPING JACK PALANCE! It appears that Dunder Miflin Paper Company, Inc. is up to his old tricks again! Dave Navarro has snuck into the ring behind Zbungrub's Revenge! He's down on all fours! OH NO! DON'T DO IT DUNDER MIFLIN PAPER COMPANY, INC.! But he is! He's running forward to shove the venerable Zbungrub's Revenge over Mr. Navarro!

Where's the referee? This is obvious interference! OH NO! ET TU, JOHNNY DEPP? It appears the referee and Johnny Depp are now taking a selfie! Wait, what? That one wasn't good enough? OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRISTMAS! They're now doing a whole series of selfies making different hilarious faces! While this is outrageous and despicable, even this reporter is amazed at the range and depth that Mr. Depp can manage even for a simple selfie? Why doesn't he work more?!?

Dunder Miflin Paper Company, Inc. charges forward and barrels into the fragile Zbungrub's Revenge, throwing his move. Paper! He's going to put Zbungrub's Revenge out of his mercy with a Paper throw. And... HOLY RED PILL, MORPHIUS! It appears that the cane was just a prop the whole time! Zbungrub's Revenge drops the sheath off the cane to reveal a thin blade which he... OH MY! HE'S IMPALED DAVE NAVARRO TO THE MAT! And now he's... He's done a complete back flip over Mr. Navarro and lands nimbly on his feet to... SUFFERING SUCCOTASH! SCISSORS! HE'S THROWN SCISSORS! Just like that, this match is over! Zbungrub's Revenge moves on and Dunder Miflin Paper Company, Inc. goes home! Johnny Depp is escorting the forlorn Dunder Miflin Paper Company, Inc. out of the arena.

Unbelievable! While the medics remove the corpse of Dave Navarro, this reporter can only thank the RPS Goddesses that no one was seriously injured in these antics. What could have ended in tragic violence, fortunately ended in a memorable match where the only things to get hurt were the feelings of Dunder Miflin Paper Company, Inc.

[Zombie]

HUGE UPSET!

Congrats Pete.

[poorpete]

Dave Navarro is Zombie now.

Thanks Zombie!