[NBR:RPST]Round 1: Stan v. Mike

[Kyle]

While some might consider this to be the "participant award" match, don't overlook these two competitors. Our first, Paper Dragon, sports a not-very-impressive record of 56-34-12. It would be easy to write him off as some glass-fingered Jake that can only throw safety scissors on his best day, true fans of the sport will realize that his prowess at the grand old game is far greater than his record reveals. Known for his elaborate cosplay costuming in the style of Sailor Moon characters, he's just as well known for getting his wind-up wrapped up in those costumes when it's time for the fingers to fly. Indeed The Gentleman's Scissors Quarterly did an in-depth analysis of Paper Dragon's botched moves and determined that he actually would have won 98% of those matches if he's just dressed sensibly.

His opponent comes into this tournament with his own controversy. As everyone is well-aware, the famous southpaw El Grapidoro is coming off his unprecedented two season suspension for doping. While he denies the accusations, the World RPS Congress concluded that he used adrenocorticotropic hormone, artificial oxygen carriers, ketamine, erythropoietin and extra-strength Jergens. He swears he's clean, and his blood tests indicate that he's telling the truth, but some still think that any victory achieved by the Mexican Kyle Picked Scissors (as he's known in his home country) will be marked with an asterisk.

So gentlemen- meet me here in the center of the ring, give the traditional wink and... LET'S THROW FINGERS!

[Mike]

A message to the announcer: why don't you come down here and say that to my face, you gutless mic-jockey? I have been cleared of all charges by the investigative committee, and my record stands unblemished. You, sir... are fake news!

And as for the "Paper Dragon"... you think you can stand up to El Grapidoro? I am the STAPLER! I will fold, spindle, and mutilate your weak origami ass! You may talk a good game, lizard-boy, but I am unstoppable! Your limp paper "dragon" can't cover SHIT!

[Mike]

Ooooooo! What's the matter? Afraid to face my fingers in the ring? Just can't CUT it, Paper Tiger? Now you're caught between your own failed throw and a hard place, aren't you?

C'mon! LET'S DO THIS!

[Mike]

C'mon, ref... call this! It's clear that I'm facing a paper chicken. He'll never show his face. Call this one for ME!

I AM EL GRAPIDORO!
UNCHALLENGED!
UNDEFEATED!

CHAMPION!

[Mike]

Why am I still all alone out here? This is some serious bullshit! Do I have to wait for Daniel-San to get into his crane-kick stance? Just throw those broken fingers out here already!

[Tahlvin]

C'mon, El Grope-a-dora!

Grope! Grope! He's our man! If he can't do it, Paper Dragon can!

You can do it, Grope! Grab him by the... wait, I can't bring myself to say it.

[Stan]

Tilts his head slightly and shakes his head. Talks calmly in a not overly loud voice that commands respect.

Look kid, I've been winning since the game was called Quartz, Parchment, Shears. All of us champions agreed to drop our records when the new league started to not make any of the baby punk throwers fell intimidated. I'm a dragon. I'm going to fly circles around you and then cover you in fire. If you want, I'll let you forfeit now to save to save you the embarrassment.

Pauses to suck in a hit off of an inhaler and holds like he was taking a hit off of a hash pipe.

You? I can see you won't be smart enough to just quit while you're even. How do I know that? You can't even spell Grapadora correctly. You're just some cheap knockoff stapler. And, like a cheap stapler, you're gonna get jammed. You're gonna get stuck with little pieces of you folded up in weird ways inside of you, just like a cheap, jammed stapler. There's not enough Jergens in the world to smooth over what's going to happen to you.

[Mike]

And you're too stupid to know that La Grapidora is a girl-stapler, you racist, misogynistic moron!

Come at me!

[Stan]

I'm ready to throw you in the bin of history's losers.

[Mike]

Oh, that's clever. Fine, we'll do it your way... LET'S BAT-DANCE!

[buckett]

*Calmly meditates in a corner awaiting the winner of this match*

Best of luck to the competitors.

[Mike]

Hoping to learn from the rock-master, Jinkies? Huh? You got a good view of my balls from over there? I bet you do. Watch and learn.

[Kyle]

It looks like these two dancing dolphins CANNOT WAIT to mix it up. And here they go! A slow approach by both. The ceremonial wink and... KNOCK ME DOWN AND CALL ME CLANCY! El Grapidoro's fingers are a blur as he raises his fist to throw the fingers! My aunt Myrna couldn't tell you what he was going to throw, but she'd make him a tight brunch for throwing it with such vigor! And... wait a second, folks! It appears that the Paper Dragon is going into one of his convoluted windups again! Oh no! For the love of Vince Neal! Don't do it, Paper Dragon! Just throw the fingers! He's spinning around now. El Grapidoro appears to be confused by the swelling of pop music and circling of stars around Paper Dragon. Obviously trying to finish this, El Grapidoro boldly thrusts out Scissors while... BAGLE ME FINGEES! Paper Dragon has done it! He actually pulled off the move flawlessly! It's Rock! Rock! For all that is holy... HE THREW ROCK!

What a match, folks! I don't think anyone could have predicted that, especially El Grapidoro who looks like an angry nun at a masturbater's convention!

[buckett]

[Mike]

That is absolute BULLSHIT! That is NOT what I threw! The fix is in, people! The fix is fucking IN!

Go back to the replay! You watch! There is NO WAY I threw scissors!

Ref's had it in for me ever since he caught me bangin' his boyfriend. And this is how you get back at me? THIS? You're willing to teabag your own integrity and undercut the greatest sport in the world for petty revenge? Just Cuz you ain't man enough to keep a man don't mean you gotta burn the world to the ground!

Fucking bullshit.

[Stan]

You punk kids and your whining. Just another jammed stapler popped open for the world to see your faults.

[Mike]

Whatever, man. If that's how you gotta take the win, then that's on your conscience. The fans know the truth.

[Phoebe]