Nerd Pride Radio

Here's a really long thing I wrote looking for advice on how to deal with our daughter getting hurt in school. I know many of you have/had kids her age and maybe can offer me advice?

OK, so this requires a bit of background. In the week before Christmas (Monday) Evangeline came home with a large bruise on her face. Her right cheek specifically, about from the top of her cheekbone to the bottom of her lip in length. I was horrified and asked what happened. She told me she was pushed out of a chair by a boy but wouldn't tell me who. I was furious that not only was Evangeline injured (again, she has been shoved down on the playground several times) but no one told us. Pat told me that maybe her teacher didn't have time to send a note home that day and to give her til the next day. I did so. No note, call, or email. I contacted my friend (Lottie) who watches her after school for about an hour til Pat gets out of the high school to see if Evangeline would tell HER who the child was who pushed her (she did, it was a child who was in her class last year, but not currently. )

I had the following email exchange with her teacher


SarahBeth <>

12/21/16


Good Morning Ms. [teacher],
I am writing because on Monday evening I noticed a large bruise on Evangeline's right cheek, when I asked her about it she told me that someone pushed her out of her seat at "Creation station".  When I asked her who had pushed she said she didn't remember (meaning she didn't want to tell me) but did use the masculine pronoun when describing to me what happened.  My concern is three-fold.  First, I am very upset that children are laying hands on my daughter in a violent manner again.  Second, that she is being made to feel that she can't tell me who did it (we are working on that at home), and third is that she was injured at school and no one saw fit to notify either my husband or myself.  I need to know that her school environment is safe for her and this is very disturbing.  I have also heard that children are throwing ice balls at each other and parents aren't notified when injuries from those occur.
I am hoping you can reassure me that these things are being handled and that we will be notified in the future of incidents wherein our children are hurt.
Thank you very much for your prompt attention to this matter and I hope you have a wonderful day.
SarahBeth D. Votra



12/21/16


to SarahBeth

Mrs. Votra,
Thank you for writing.  I get that you are upset.  I will try to address your concerns.  I did not see or hear about Evangeline falling/being pushed out of a chair.  Despite my efforts, I don't catch everything.  She did not come to me at any time after that to say what happened or that she was hurt. Also, I did not see a bruise on her face.  That is why no one contacted you.  Creation station is an indoor recess activity and recess is from 1:15-1:45 so perhaps the bruise did not show until later.

My thinking is that in the rush to get the best creation station materials on the table, children did what children do and were pushing instead of waiting.  That is not to downplay what happened, but rather to explain how it might have happened.  If I am wrong and Evangeline feels someone was maliciously pushing her then I need to know so that problem can be addressed in a different way than an accident.

As for the playground, we do our very best to see all that happens and take care of problems.  We are strict about throwing snow and children lose playtime when they throw snow.  Again, if a child does not come to me or the other teachers on duty or we don't happen to see it, we can't take care of the problem.  Evangeline did approach me outside today to say that someone threw snow and that child lost playtime.
~~~~~~~~~~

To me, this exchange was very dismissive, Also, if she didn't notice the bruise which was very big and dark (and I had a lot of explaining to do at Christmas) what else is she not noticing? She's a mandated reporter and if she didn't know it happened at school (Evangeline told the teacher who was watching recess, so that teacher should have told Evangeline's teacher) shouldn't she still have asked Evangeline about it to ensure that no one was hurting her elsewhere??? I let it go thinking “At least she knows I'm paying attention and I'm sure this won't happen again”. Later I find out that the ice throwing continues AND another child in her class (a little boy) had his tooth broken and no one let his parents know that either.


Fast forward to this past Thursday. Pat's students had their talent show, so he was at the high school with Evangeline when Des and I got home, so we headed over to the school to fetch her (Pat would walk home when it was over, but I wanted her fed and in bed on time). We went to the darkened auditorium and the first thing I noticed when I saw Evangeline was a bruise across the bridge of her nose. I asked what had happened and she told me that one of the mean girls in her class (she didn't say mean girls, but told me who, and she's one of two little girls who are very mean to the others, anyway) was yanked very hard on the parachute in gym class and Evangeline fell. I asked if she cried and did she go to the nurse and tell her teacher. She said yes to all three, pressed to me that it was an accident and almost started to cry. I told her that everything was fine and there's no need to be upset. I am, however, furious at the school. Then, when she was putting on her jammies and I was getting ready for story time I noticed that in addition to her nose, she has a huge bruise on her hip. Huge. Now, I obviously don't expect the school to search her for injuries all over, but this goes to show how bad the fall was. I am always in her room when she changes for bed (otherwise she does everything EXCEPT get ready for bed), so I know for a fact that bruise was not there before.

So, I go through her backpack/clipboard looking for a note explaining that there was an injury, I check my email, I check my other emails, nothing from the school. I hear from a parent friend that her daughter told her about it and said that it was clearly done by this other little girl on purpose. I wouldn't put it past this child, but I wasn't there and don't know. It matters in that if it was on purpose this needs to be stopped and the anti-bullying procedure that is supposed to be in place at the school needs to be used. If it wasn't then I still should have heard from the school about the incident. The first email exchange made me think that telling parents IS standard procedure but this tells me it isn't. I don't want to be a paranoid helicopter parent. I know Evangeline is small for her age (5th percentile for height and 7th for weight) and is apt to be hurt more easily, but shouldn't I be informed? I am entrusting them with her safety and that trust isn't being met.

I had really high hopes for this teacher because she has a big emphasis on peacemaking in her classroom. However, I've found out that her manner of dealing with conflicts when children approach her is to just tell them to sit together and talk it out. Alone. Ok, so I was bullied in school, a lot, and the last thing I was gonna do was sit down alone with a bully and talk it out. Her teacher last year in Kindergarten would sit with them and talk and figure out a compromise and that seemed to work well. However, this year's teacher's method, I've found out, just leads the kids to not go to her with problems. I've been talking to two other moms and their kids say the same thing. More worrying, as I mentioned in my email to [teacher], is that now they don't want to come to their parents either. This also makes me question how I've dealt with things Evangeline has told me. Like the other day she said she overheard kids calling her worthless (insert my blood boiling) and I asked her who and she said she didn't know them. I replied that well, if she didn't know them, they must not know her and therefore they just didn't know what a wonderful useful person she is. Now I'm wondering if she did know but didn't want to tell me and then I've messed up and she'll think I'm dismissing her. Argh, and now I'm rambling.

To sum up: Evangeline is being hurt in school, physically and possibly emotionally. No one is informing me and my fears are being dismissed. Questions: Am I over reacting? How do I handle this? Email her teacher and CC Principal and gym teacher? Email gym teacher and CC teacher and principal, schedule in person meetings? I am seriously at a loss. Complicating this, Pat teaches at the high school so yeah, politics, so I have to handle things using his involvement as a last ditch effort. The principal is new this year if that information is helpful.

Thank you for reading this novel, I am just at a loss and new to this whole school age child thing.


Unrelated: This teacher has also lied to my face. I was dismayed at the low level books Evangeline was taking out of the library and asked why she wasn't bringing home chapter books and was told that "That's what Evangeline chose to bring home" and then I find out that another parent was told that "first graders aren't allowed to take out chapter books" That is a rant and a half for another day, as it involved another child being made to cry when a book was snatched out of her hands...

Dude i feel nauseated just reading your post and my solutions involve pressing assault charges, juvenile court, jail, and lawsuits against school district and parents, but i get those may not all be realistic options for you. You may have already said this and i didnt see it due to the redblack rage cloud generated by the other words, but can you pull her straight out of the school while writing letters to every media outlet in town about why? Can you make sure a doctor (or ER, if necessary) documents her bruising? This is very serious. Or just move to my town please. Its not perfect here but holy shit.

Okay, i recovered from the irrational rage long enough to read the end of your post about the books and now im back to irrational rage. Talked to my husband some. Recalled what friends with bullied son said. Some people make progress by talking to the parents of the bully, but obviously there are mixed odds. Gentle face to face at the school or phone call better than emails people take wrong; better to leave written stuff to lawyer. The principal is option 2, and then school district. Meanwhile, need to carefully document all reports, take photos, go to a doctor. Police or govt child protective services are the "free" option if none of the above works, and those bother the school. Lawyer is not-free option, unless maybe a law school in your area has a public clinic.

Husband and i think we would be at pull out of school stage here, but that is because we have multiple options for school and you might not.

Also, do move to our neighborhood please.

And send a barghest to gnaw the face off anyone who doesnt let first graders have chapter books. Really.

This is heartbreaking. I can say I understand your position because well, you have to be careful when there's family connections involved with school. It is actually crippling because you feel like you have fewer options when it comes to problems.
I personally feel that you as the parent are the lone protector of your child and bear the sole responsibility for them. Feel free to stand up for them in a manner that you feel is proper. You seem to have a good handle on propriety so go with what you think is right.

I do think you need to address this with the principal, but I would talk directly with the teacher after school. No phones, no email, and get your hubby to come along for the ride to back you up.

If you think you didn't get through or were not taken seriously, then take it to the principal (although they would most likely back up their employee regardless) at least you can tell the principal you've had phone email and personal conferences with the teacher and feel the need to elevate the issue.

Don't be afraid to quote handbook to him and be ready to address the school board.

Hopefully it will not come to that.

The whole idea of kids talking out their problems is not for this setting and it is a sign that this teacher has ingested some faulty ideas of her own regarding confrontation and child behavior. I would add that this is a cop-out as it is her role as the teacher to be the fair judge and arbiter of the classroom.

Just my jaded 2 cents

"her manner of dealing with conflicts when children approach her is to just tell them to sit together and talk it out."

!?!?! Imagine if the police did that. "Hey, this guy is trying to kill me." "Calm down, lets just put you in a room alone together and find out."

What wants to sit alone with their bully? How does that punish the bullying or cause a change? It just gives the bully more opportunity. I'm not sure where to start as this is very aggravating. Definitely start with talking in person. Instead of just being mad, try being brutally logical. Point out that the incident was bad enough that other kids reacted and told their parents. As the behaviors are repeating, it is unlikely that the teacher repeating her treatment of the situations are going to put a stop to the bad behavior - show to her that this is ongoing despite whatever intervention. Does she think repeating what she's doing is suddenly going to start working if it hasn't worked before in this case?

Don't be afraid to escalate in steps, to the principal, then get other parents involved, then the media. One parent complaining might look look histrionic. Many parents complaining is an issue that that will force the school to act to shut them up.

I already don't like this teacher. My son has serious issues. But I've had school officials lie to me to protect themselves and their school - once I realize that they are more concerned with school reputation than helping my kid, I'm done with them. And the book thing! Way to kill a kid's enthusiasm.

Don't worry. The barghest is on the way now to solve that book issue. I will feel very strange if, say, angry pitbull attacks this person tomorrow. On the other hand, is that the just penalty?

I appreciated reading Stan and Ron's advice above, which made the situation seem solvable, one step at a time. I am so sorry you have to deal with it, much less that your daughter has to. It's infuriating!

I'm with Phoebe in regards to being to the point of pulling the child out if there's another option available. The bullying was bad enough, the book thing ads to that, and all points to a worrying trend of near incompetence and covering up.

If you stay, I would start by having a face to face with the teacher, escalate to a meeting with principal (and perhaps teacher as well) if it continues, and school district if necessary. If you get to the district level, is there an option to take her to a different school within the district that might be otherwise unavailable based on your location? I would be cautious about threatening to go to the media given Pat's work, at least until you've exhausted the district level options. But if you have other parents who have problems with some of the same bullies and/or teacher, then by all means get a coalition of parents together to meet with the principal. It's your school, your taxes are paying for it and your child is the student/consumer, so stand up for her.

It'd be helicopter parenting if you were asking for special consideration for your child. But when there is physical injury or behavioral changes for your child involved, you have a duty to speak up, and they have a duty to respond.

Sent email to the teacher with the gym teacher and principal cc'd. It was pretty long. I now feel slightly sick every time my email notification dings. School just ended for the day, so we'll see.

The parent whose child has the library issue has a meeting scheduled with the principal next week. She wants me to go with her so we can show a pattern of problem. I am for this.

We don't have another school we can send her to (The district is two schools, the elementary and the junior/senior high), and I am ill-equipped to home school or anything like that (I suck at teaching, which is why I am a technician not a PhD/Grad student.) I will be pushing to move her to another class if need be though.

I am fighting panic now, I know, I'll go kill thousands of animals, that will make me feel better.

Thanks guys. Love you all, very much

I'm in your corner.... hoping for the best. That's a great plan backing up the other parent!

Good luck!

And I'm sure you know this from first hand experience better than I could ever convey, but I found girls at the elementary school age to be much worse than boys. This isn't anything new; my parents had the same experience with me and my 4 sisters, to the point where they were thinking of moving some of my sisters to different schools. Whatever the reasons, the girls are far more likely to form cliques, and have those cliques be insular and antagonistic towards others, than boys. We thought about switching schools for our girls because of it; they didn't join a clique, and ended up not having any really close friends throughout elementary school as a partial outcome. But it got better when they moved to middle school. The combination of larger student population (there were several elementary schools feeding into a single middle school), varied class schedule (so they weren't in class all day with the same people), the ability to pick their own electives, and the more varied non-athletic extracurricular activities, it allowed the girls (yes, one of which is now a boy) to make some really good friends with interests much more aligned with theirs.