Negotiating with terrorists

[Mike]

About a week ago, the following light came on in my wife's vehicle:



Clearly, a bomb has been enabled. Within the next 24 hours, I received a communication telling me that this light was a warning that they could kill my wife at any moment. I mean, she has to get to school, so she's got to take the van. And every day she does, she is in danger. But the nafarious people behind this plot also had their demands: If I change the bulb in the left rear turn signal, they will disable the bomb.

Seems simple right?

You would think so. I mean, I love my wife, but our family has a single, non-negotiable rule: We don't negotiate with terrorists. Obviously, I hate putting my wife in this position--living in constant fear every day on the way to and from school--but I don't see any other way to handle this. We decided to call their bluff. It was a risk I was willing to take.

So now they've upped the stakes. R2D2 (along with his fully pimped-out Pod-O-Matic bubble) is now missing. As usual, he was at the head of my bed last night next to the alarm clock when I went to sleep, and then this morning, he's just plain gone. And I found the following note:



I'm thinking I should give in. I don't want to, but how else will I get a podcast recorded this weekend. Seriously, R2 can't deliver Pod-O-Matics with a shattered dome. This is serious.

What should I do?

[Eliahad]

Okay, step one I think is figure out if anyone in your family is a mutant traitor fascist spy.

[Mike]

[Eliahad]

Okay, step two. Figure out what his security clearance is. This is VERY important.

[Mike]

ORANGE.

I still don't get it.

[Eliahad]

Okay, that's not so bad as to be insurmountable. Alright. I need you to go to the bank and get $10,000 in small, unmarked bills. $10s are fine, but stacks of $1s would also be okay.

[Elle]

This is hilarious and somehow I don't remember reading it before now! How did I miss this>?>?