Nerd Pride Radio

I do not do drugs. Thus I am adding wine to my beer and ice cream diet, and also a bean and cheese burrito made with spicy black beans.

As I reflect upon this carefully, I realize it is a blessing that I don't ever poop.

Maybe change your outlook on drugs, I mean what do you have to lose?

My kids and job.

Sitting here waiting in doctor's office. As part of visit you get to rediscover how totally unhealthy you have become in general, beyond the specific problem of the day. O. M. G. This shipt is outta hand. I'm mad. I'm enlisting the dog. Things are about to get very gritty.

If far better things than drugs couldn't tempt me to risk losing my kids or job, then drugs definitely wouldn't either. However, let's talk about fat. I don't know how to talk about this in a way that makes it seem non shaming, you know, but this is not about other people, this is me, and fuuuuuuuuuck the current state of affairs. My life is just all messed up and it's almost like this is the symptom, a result that issues forth from far deeper causes, and it is time to start yanking them out at the roots because I'm done with this. It's not about the looks, it is the whole fucked up lifestyle I lead.

I can officially rock my XXL t-shirts without worrying about my tummy coming out like some gross half moon.

I too consider my weight to be a symptom more than the disease itself.
Too many things going on have distracted me from doing what is important in favor of the urgent.
I am letting some things go altogether and working on what I know I need to do.

My Four Commandments (more like suggestions because I already broke one today.

1. sleep enough even if it means I miss out on some time at home with family, but that can be improved by 2
2.I need to leave work on time. When it is time to go, I need to leave. If I really love my family I will do this.
3. get some sort of exercise daily if only walking at lunch, preferably with the company of a co-worker so we can take turns venting or laughing at life's sweet ironies.
4. Do something I REALLY enjoy for 30 mins to an hour and DO NOT FEEL GUILTY about it.(the dishes in the sink will still be there and if your house is clean when you die, no one will care, especially not you.

I am starting over...which is something I give myself permission to do.

So my family is gone for a month (not my whole family- my wife and five youngest kids) on a trip through the south and up the east coast to Montreal. When they leave like this, I set a menu and stick to it- no snacking, no cheating, no alcohol or impulse decisions.

Today is day two and it's going well so far. It usually only goes for a week to 10 days. Let's see if I can keep it up for 26 days.

You will, I am sure, blow their ever-loving minds, mi amigo!

Have cracked the whip on this nonsense; am working out the dog every day and getting life in order. The slightest effort in this direction reveals fundamental life problems that stem from having a diet incompatible with people around you. When you get married, you marry the Whole Person and their Family as well. This is one of those tradeoffs that happens in life, you know, and I don't think it's fair when it affects other people's health. I married a non-smoking former smoker who was accommodating of my wishes in the Food Department, and I ended up married to a smoker who wants to eat one of 6 possible meat-centred meals in a revolving cycle. I am not happy about it but There It Is. So the solutions are a combination of just doing my own thing while still providing food for everyone else in the home, and just not giving a damn whether other people eat, which is a lot harder than it sounds as a glib aside. These are your family members and you want to provide things for them and live harmoniously.

There are other psychological effects of feeling thwarted in fundamental activities like sleeping and eating what and when you want to; it leads to a sense of futility, and giving up on other things you cared about as a result. Therefore, I have to pull on this one bootstrap and decide to make things happen, or else. I don't want to have to live that way forever and at some point, I'm the only one who can fix it. You cannot change people, that is 100% truth, but I still have hope of changing myself - or rather, changing back to what I take to be a true self. Really sucks to do it alone, however. It is a damn lonely effort.

Working on it. Eating a "soup" made of crushed tortilla shells in hot salsa is not really helping, but it's not hurting as badly as other things would. Also, it turns out that two cups of watermelon contains just over 80 calories and is full o water. This is a good thing. The downside is that I think of watermelon as having two servings per melon, or perhaps four in a pinch. The whole "two cups" thing is bullshit. However, "four cups" is still a damn low calorie snack and then you can't put anything else in your belly for while. NOT EATING SUCKS. I LOVE FOOD.

I'm on an antibiotic for a mild, lingering sinus infection. I have to take a pill 4 times a day, at least 2 hours after eating and 1 hour before eating. That means the window of time where I can snack or eat meals is much smaller than it used to be. So I'll probably be dropping a few pounds over the next 14 days from just absence of snacking.

A lot of verrrry bad things have been happening today. Because it was a bad day, although I managed to have pasta made out of vegetables, I also had most of a bottle of wine and remain "sober posting" only because I also made two batches of cookies, since I haven't done that in about forever and I was desperate for some traditional momming activity. Or it's possible that half the scales of my Schooners have turned Windward and I don't even know it because I'm not spelling things wrong. Anyway I tried to make the cookies without calories but I couldn't make it happen.

Have been experimenting last 2 days to see if I can get away with, basically, not eating. This is an exaggeration of a complex story that involves consultation with a doctor. I'm trying to get down to a very low number of total calories per day. This really sucks badly, people, it sucks so bad. Trying to take iron pills and vitamins and asst. proteins to stave off the total exhaustion of anemia, nibbling on fruit/veg/fibrous things throughout day to stave off hunger. I'm wondering seriously if drinking about 200-300 calories' worth of alcohol at night would ease this process along: forgetting about food, feeling fuller, going to sleep like a happy baby early in the evening? Obviously that can't be a permanent solution but if it means coming out on the other side with a brain and body that only expect 1200 calories a day? Maybe worth it. I'm not a happy camper with all this. I have the energy of a slug right now.

See thats why I enjoy my simple high impact exercise bike workouts in the morning and night. By putting tension to highest lvl my little electronic meter(if its accurate) informs me that I burn 400 calories every 30 minute session, so if I try to keep my intake at 2,000 a day I have a 800 calorie handicap that helps when I do decide to dip into my beer, a extra snack, etc.

I'm down 14 lbs from my highest weight. I still have a little (a lottle) to go but I'm working on it.

Impressive! I hope you are feeling good and able to stick with your plan. I used to feel very confident I could do the things required for Health, because it had always worked in the past. You eat less, you exercise more, and voila - results! However, I have discovered to my great displeasure that as we age things start to happen and mess up this seemingly common-sense system. For example, today I am feeling good about being upright and functional, and would be capable of going to sleep for the night at any time here. I need whatever it is they illegally shoot racehorses in the ass with. How do I get that? I would also like my right side to achieve the normal symmetrical functioning with my left side! Please do that, right side. Oh, but you want me to move you more often to achieve it? Well, then I need that shot of racehorse zing.

Last night was maybe the worst night ever for the general "no oxygen in body" sensation. Trying to convince self that more exercise will help, but it's very hard to gather the energies to go, even with sad dog squeaking for walkies.