Ranking all the 2019 Theatrically Released Horror Movies

[Kyle]

The Intruder- A pretty good “creepy neighbor” movie, but this time Dennis Quaid is a guy who sells his house to a young couple, but doesn’t want to give it up. These movies are a lot like home invasion movies and aren’t really my cup of tea. But this movie excels because of the great acting. Dennis Quaid, in particular, is scary as fuck as the creep antagonist. He’s really an unsung gem. A solid, well done horror movie.

[Kyle]

Lords of Chaos- Okay, this is not a horror movie. It’s a “based on true events” movie about the rise of Norwegian death metal and the various bad/stupid acts conducted by the small circle of misfits that started the movement. It’s in the vein of SLC Punk or Trainspotting. Rory Culkin is serviceable as the lead, but this movie made a weird choice by casting Americans as the lead Norwegians. Even still, the was a compelling, interesting thriller that heightens as the various losers try to one-up each other in their commitment to satan/metal. A fun ride.

[Kyle]

Depraved- Larry Fessenden is a horror movie icon that now makes his own smart, low budget horror movies. His company made Tresspassers, which I reviewed above. He wrote and directed this modern retelling of Frankenstein, which is closer to the Mary Shelley story than the traditional movie monster. You basically know what happens, which is the major drawback to the movie- I’m just not interested in the story again. But Fessenden gets good actors (Josh the tongueless from Blair Witch!) and a really smart script. It works well and is well done, even if it is retreading tired ground.

[Kyle]

K-12- I don’t know how to explain this movie. First of all, you need to know who Melanie Martinez is. She’s a you-tube star who likes to sing pop music in a voice very reminiscent of Ariana Grande, but with a lot of F bombs and sex talk. So this movie is essentially an excuse to have twelve (?) music videos for her. But there is an actual story here, and it is technically a horror movie, but mostly it’s a musical. The premise is basically Martinez going to a school where there’s a lot of shitty clicks. Violence and group choreographed dance numbers ensue. What’s most alarming is that the entire movie is told like an Alice in Wonderland fairy tale, but everyone in it looks and acts like a who from whoville in the Grinch movie. I’m not joking. So did I like the movie? No. Would I recommend it? Oh no. Was it interesting? Definitely.

[Mike]

[Kyle]

Hagazussa- There’s slow burn, and then there’s glacially slow burn. This is a German movie about how a 15th century German woman is isolated and abused by her community. They push her to the breaking point. And she thinks she’s a witch. This sounds intriguing, but this movie moves so slowly... so painfully slowly... that it’s almost unwatchable. There’s maybe two dozen lines of dialogue in this movie, which is fine, but the long periods of silence are filled with 90 second to two minute shots of scenery. Set a timer and stare at a tree for two minutes. It’s a long time. Seriously, only three things happen in this movie, but it lasts an hour and forty five minutes. I did not enjoy this movie at all.

[Kyle]

Countdown- Y'all this was a wide release movie. Phew. So bad. The premise is that there's this app that tells you when you are going to die. And-- I shit you not-- if you use your knowledge of that to avoid death, then you've "violated the terms of service" ("You didn't read your user agreement?"). And then you die anyways. Oh god. Poor acting, poor scripting, completely predictable. This had all the hallmarks of every bland thing I hate about wide-release, shitty horror movies. Not to mention that this is like the fourth "killer phone app" movie I've seen in the last year or so. There was just no effort put into this. Avoid.

[Kyle]

Prey- So Blumhouse buys/acquires all these low budget horror movies and then decides which get to the wide release (probably after some reshoots and script tweaking) and which go direct to video. This is one of the direct to video ones, and even understanding that, I'm still a little surprised that it even got that release. The plot is interesting- Boy gets put on a deserted island for a week for a "tough love" program for troubled youth, but when he's there he discovers a beautiful young girl that's been there for years. Then violent shit goes down. I actually kind of liked the idea, but the execution was just so poor. The acting, especially for a Blumhouse production (which is normally acceptable to good), was really poor and the way the plot played out and the twists were revealed were not exciting and just plain stupid. I felt like this movie could have been good if, in the early stages, they gave the script another once-over and put more polish and money into the production. But everything about what they did make seemed like people gave up on it halfway through. It's tough to watch a movie when you get the feeling that the actors in it know how bad it is.

[Kyle]

I've forgotten to update this in a while. However, I'm running out of movies streaming, so the updates will be more sporadic soon.

Climax- I've heard of Noel Gaspar, the writer director for this experimental horror movie, because of the trippy Enter the Void-- which I've never seen, but heard was weird, trippy and highly stylized. Well that makes sense because that describes Climax perfectly. The plot is that a group of French dancers (the movie is mostly in French) are celebrating their wildly successful rehearsal (really? yeah, really) and the sangria at this party is spiked with LSD. As everyone realizes they are triping, bad things start to happen. I mean like- really, really bad things. Bad sex things. Bad things related to kids and pregnant people. Really bad, bad things. I don't really want to put a trigger warning because I've spoiled it enough, but if you MIGHT be triggered by ANYTHING, then don't watch this movie. The movie is nontraditional in its structure, pacing and feel. This movie is about dance and the dancers are freaking fantastic. As the night gets trippier, the dancing gets trippier. As nightmarish things start happening, the dancing becomes nightmarish. I didn't rank this movie very high because it just didn't connect with me, but I think that others could get a completely different, more profound experience from it if you have a better appreciation for the dancing and "wandering 20-somethings" that are looking for purpose in this movie. The high-style that pervades every scene is beautiful and well shot. Gaspar is pretty brilliant in how he films a movie, but this one just isn't for me. So while it wasn't for me, it probably will be great for a lot of other people.

[Kyle]

High Life- Right off the bat, you need to know that this isn't a horror movie. It's a sci-fi movie in which bad things happen, but it is definitely not a horror movie. It's actually a pretty smart existential movie that examine sex, sexuality and how those are different things from real love. Robert Pattinson is an ex-con who is put on a spaceship with a bunch of other ex-cons. The deal they made is that they have to agree to engage in experiments. On this ship, the experiment is whether they can impregnate and have a live child born. Things go bad and Pattinson is eventually left on the ship with just a baby. Everyone else has somehow died. Exposition ensues. While the message of this movie failed to resonate completely with me, I still very much enjoyed it. Y'all- Pattinson is a goddamn treasure and we need to all appreciate that he's one of the best actors of his generation. This movie is as good as it is because of him.

[Kyle]

3 From Hell- This movie was really disappointing. Let's give some context for it. This is the third movie in Rob Zombie's Firefly trilogy. You probably don't know what that is, but you should. The first movie was The House of 1000 Corpses, which was a really good, gritty, horror movie. That was followed up by one of my favorite horror movies of all time, The Devils Rejects. In the sequel, Zombie takes the bad guys from the first movie and flips it so that they become the victims to the monster that is the local sheriff. It's just so smart and well acted. I highly recommend everyone who appreciates horror to watch it. Which is why this movie was so disappointing. The Devil's Rejects said something- it was an examination of evil and our shifting perspective of how evil operates. And on top of that, it was a goddamn great horror movie. 3 From Hell continues the story of the Firefly clan (the bad guys from the first movie and the protagonists of the second), but it's just another straight ahead horror movie. And it's fine for that, but the movie doesn't really say anything, it's more like Rob Zombie saying, "Oh shit! They're back! Watch this fucked shit they can do!" and I feel like that level of storytelling is so many tiers below what he did in the Devil's Rejects. Look, this movie is fine and if you're a fan, you should definitely watch it. But it's pretty disappointing.

[Mike]

Damn. I was really looking forward to 3 From Hell. That's too bad, because I agree with every word about the other two. House was a great fun horror film, but Rejects was a true masterpiece.

[Zombie]

Enter the Void is a good example of a movie I watched and remember liking but a year or two later could tell you nothing about.

[Kyle]

[Kyle]

[Kyle]

Knife + Heart- This is another of those movies that wasn't made for me as the audience. It's a German movie set in the 70s gay porn scene. There's a serial killer stalking the set of a gay porn movie set, picking off cast members one by one over an extended period of time. It's not really a who-dunnit as much as a why-dunnit, and the twist revealing the killer's motivations were kind of dumb and coincidental. The acting was marginal to bad in everyone except for the main lead, who is the female director of these gay porn movies. That said, this movie is shot through a gritty, exploitation, grindhouse lens- I'm assuming in homage to the gay exploitation movies of the 70s. That gritty look and feel was pretty cool. But I feel like there was a lot about this movie that I just didn't pick up on. I would guess that if I lived through the gay underground scene in the 70s (or even in later times, I'm sure) this movie would have been more impactful, but I just didn't connect with nearly any of the characters or motivations. So while I don't rank this movie that highly, I can understand if others would have dramatically different opinions.

[Kyle]

Rabid- What a pleasant surprise this movie was! It's a recommend, but with a caveat. This movie is a reimagining of the Cronenberg film of the same name (which I've never seen). Its directed by the Soska sisters, who are twin sisters that have directed some horror shorts (I believe they had a segment in female-directed horror anthology XX, but I might be wrong). They also directed American Mary. If that means anything to you, or if you know about them, then you know that this is a movie about body horror (which is appropriate for a Cronenberg rehash, right?). They do body horror so well, and I'm going to tell you- this is my most and least favorite genre. I've seen a lot of horror, but the ones that stick with me the most from a sheer dread/horror/disturbing sense is body horror. And boy did this movie have it. Simple premise- a fashion designer is in an accident that mutilates her face, she takes a miracle treatment that makes her beautiful again, but has terrible, terrible side effects. Bad things ensue. So I really enjoyed this movie and it was really well done. But let's talk about the caveats. Body horror is not for everyone, and some people react very viscerally and badly to it. If you don't like body horror (think Hostel), then you shouldn't watch this. The other caveat is that this movie has a really low budget and the acting by some of the bit players is bad (and not great for some of the bigger players)- so I understand that that sometimes puts up a barrier that people can't get past. But if you can, then give this movie a shot. It was a fun ride.

[Kyle]

The Golden Glove- This was the hardest movie to finish, simply because I didn't like or care about it at all. The Golden Glove is a German-language movie that tells the story of an infamous serial killer in (Herr Honka) who killed a half-dozen women in the 70s. The movie has only three sets- the Golden Glove (the bar where Honka finds and propositions his victims); Honka's rathole attic apartment where he kills his victims, dismembers them and hides them in a crawlspace; and a small office where he works as a nightwatchman. This movie was just excruciating to watch and incredibly boring. Everyone is a depraved alcoholic. I mean it. In almost every scene, the characters are so drunk they can't form complete sentences and stumble instead of walk. In EVERY scene. It was so nihlistically bleak that it was hard to care about anything you saw on the screen. Honka was a monster. His victims were all 60 year-old female prostitutes who had lost everything in their lives. And maybe if this movie had honored that depravity and bleakness, it would have been interesting. Instead, it gave a laser focus to the rape and murder of Honka's victims. It was brutal and shallow. But the worst part is that it thought it was deep and meaningful. One of the worst movies I've watched so far (except for Clinton Road!).

[Kyle]

Black Christmas- I'm a fan of the original Black Christmas- probably more than it deserves. But it was directed (masterfully) by Bob Clark who also directed the greatest non-horror Christmas movie of all time: A Christmas Story (fun fact- he also wrote and directed Porky's). I watched the remake (2009?) and didn't love it, but didn't hate it either. It was fine. So I came into this expecting the same- not amazing, but good enough. I mean, it stars Imogene Poots who I like and actually think is a good actress (not to mention, the most hilarious name in Hollywood). Well guess what? This was awful. Imagine everything you hate about PG-13 horror movies-- take no risks; do nothing new or unique; dumb down your scares and horror; hire a poor supporting cast with poor acting chops. ALL OF THAT HAPPENS HERE. On top of that- other than it being a horror movie involving a sorrority at Christmas, this movie has no relationship to or similarities to the original movie. None. No serial killer. None of the same visual tropes and scares. Nothing. This is a completely different movie and-- to top it all off-- has an incredibly stupid plot and stupid motivation for the horror. Like really stupid. Like hand-slap-to-the-forehead stupid. And here's the kicker: It was edited down so poorly that many, many things didn't make any sense. Characters would show up with wounds and face paint, and the movie never showed what happened. New characters appeared out of nowhere but we were clearly supposed to know who they were and why they were there. The plot moved forward for reasons that didn't make it to the screen, so suddenly characters were doing things that made no sense. Y'all, this was just terrible. Why is it not lower? Because Imogene Poots really is a good actress. She doesn't salvage this movie, and she definitely doesn't make it worth watching. But she does elevate it from a total shit pool to just a shit puddle.

[Mike]