Nerd Pride Radio

July 29
When the first faint rays of sunlight brightened the window, I asked to be freed from the sleeping cage. She obliged and accompanied me outside. I enjoyed relaxing in the cool, wet grass. She continued to say, with increasing impatience, Paw-D. Which Paw is D, I wonder? I know left, and right, but not D.

Why does she put me back in the sleeping cage when it is not time to sleep? In another hour I will need to pee. Does she not realize this?

I cry but no one hears. They have abandoned me again, perhaps forever this time. To survive I shall need to escape. This strange metal clip is new. Aha, i can see that if i extract the metal tube from its metal casing, it will collapse. I will do this to each of the metal clips in turn. Now I can be free. But wait - this collar must go too. Ahhhh, much better.

Of course I know how to open the sliding glass door mother. Pull out the blocking post with your teeth, flip the latch and then push on it hard with all your might! The last part is still difficult for me because the door is very heavy and I can only pry it a half inch at a time. Wait until I am just a little bigger and it will be so easy! But you are surprised that I may do this? Come now mother, did you take me for an idiot?

Confidential: I am worried that mother is either not very smart or not very experienced in life. She does not understand the life-giving powers of poop. She doesn't enjoy it when I attempt to lick her butt. She doesn't enjoy it when I attempt to eat the bird poop off the sidewalk. She does not think that a cow patty is something you would eat even though she knows that a hamburger patty is a normal part of a dinner. What is to be done?

Why does mother not understand that a successful part of any walkies is a cool down period? When one finds an appropriately soft patch of grass moistened by the strange creation she calls sprinklers, one must lay flat upon it so that one's belly might be fully moistened and cooled down. Sometimes this needs to happen very frequently during a walkies. Why does she not understand it is summer time and this is Pleasant? Why does she not lay down here with me? Perhaps if I kiss her repeatedly she will.

Either I am particularly beautiful as my mother says or we must be aware that the man who just took my picture could be a serial killer or perhaps the intelligence agencies of her area didn't have a clear photo of me.

Why does the horse head I have de-stuffed sometimes neigh at me and make galloping sounds? It has no body. It is supposed to have no LIFE. This is terrifying.

More scary events: we were laying there quietly while Mother was looking at the TV. All of a sudden I heard the unmistakable sound of wolves howling. "Just on TV!" she said, but what does that mean? Several wolves, I'm certain! Don't know exactly where they were or what they wanted. Obviously I had to put my paw in Mother's hand so I could lay back down to sleep again after that.

Why does mother place me into the cage when she leaves? At first she seemed to think I would not be able to open the door, which was ridiculous. The door has a latch, and one merely has to open it! How is that hard? Then she started clamping the door shut as if I couldn't remove the clamps. It was annoying, I grant you, as the clamps had to be taken apart and that hurt my nose. One must do what one must, however. Recently she started tying the doors to the cage, which was silly, so I took the entire cage apart. She has no idea how I did it and I prefer to keep it that way. I said nothing - just met her cheerfully at the door!

I merely wanted to enjoy roaming about in the misty morning rain again. What was so wrong with that? Of course I don't need to urinate twice.

They are always so concerned about cleaning up the house, and sometimes they complain that the kids don't pick up things from the floor enough. They say my presence here helps everyone learn to keep their things put away, and I have been such a good helper lately in that regard! I don't want to get in trouble, after all, nor do I want mother to feel bad about having a mess anywhere. Just think how she would have felt if she had woken up and found her "favorite bra" laying around on the bathroom floor! She would not have been pleased. So I ate it, obviously! Did they think I enjoyed that? It was full of wires and tasted terrible! My sacrifices for their happiness often go unappreciated.

I am living mostly under the dining room table today. I am very scared of Father and now of Mother too. She told me I was a bad dog because I tried to eat Chloe's favorite doll - what's the point of having a great doll if nobody can chew on it, am I right? But they do not see it this way. I will hide under here all day until the squirrel comes, and then I will make an exception and go outside. It is important to bark at the squirrel as long and loudly as possible; in this way I will prove my worth to Mother again. I will know I have fought the enemy Squirrel enough when Mother is so moved by my work that she rushes out to greet me in her nightgown in the snow and beseeches me to come back inside.