Nerd Pride Radio

In high school, we were tasked with reading a book about a historical figure. I choose "The Autobiography of Malcolm X" and it blew me away. An amazing book.

Part of the project was performing a fictional story based on it. I decided the best idea was that I'd make a short play on if Malcolm X was on trial for hate. I'd play Malcolm X and defend my actions. These projects I was always mixed about because I liked being creative and I liked history but I was also painfully shy. I also didn't want to lose points for not looking the part. So I got a suit. And a friend let me borrow, I vaguely remember, some kind of black soap, maybe. I tried putting it on my face and hands and it did not look realistic (which was what I was going for, not minstrally, but I get now this was doomed action no matter what).

I played the part, defended Malcolm X. I noted his move away from all-means-neccessary in his last few years. I noted how his ~extremism made MLK more palatable. I noted that his life was about redemption. If today, I'd note that he had every right to be angry, and he'd be angry today too, and that's okay.

It all went fine and the teacher gave me a good grade and no one pulled me aside or questioned my decisions. I washed my face and hands. I moved on, rarely it returning to my mind. Occasionally I'd remember it, and feel "well, that was crazy" to then "well, that was unwise" to then "well, that was wrong".

Nothing to be ashamed of. You did that as a teen trying to do your project and do it to your best.

You were not:
A.An adult
B.Seeking to belittle a minority
C.Trying to fit in with a social group that did B.

Sorry I got off topic

I have used the n-word, though never directed at a person of color. Growing up in a small town in NE Indiana, it was common practice to use the term n****r pile instead of dog pile when referring to a bunch of people jumping on top of another person on the ground. "N****r pile on Greg!" someone would yell, and we would all knock Greg down and jump on top of him.

When I was older, I realize how offensive that term was, and have never used it since then. And while my family was not native to that area of Indiana (they were from a town in Ohio and moved to that town in Indiana shortly before I was born), I also found out there was a history of violent racism associated with that town from the early 20th century. It really made me look with opened eyes at the use of that term, as well as a number of incidents that occurred during my time in that town. It also was one more factor in why I never felt at home there, and left as soon as possible after college.

Being raised in the South it was not what you would think regarding the N word. I went to a predominately white high school and no one ever used the N word unless it was an African American calling another one that and they were in a fight. There were not a lot of racial tensions in that day.

I heard the N word from relatives that were all born in the 1930s who had it as part of their vocabulary. It was never used in malice, but as an adjective. Different time, different culture norms. Not right, mind you, but normal for that time.

Never once did my father use that language (he was from the mountains in North GA), but my mother and her family were the ones i referred to.