This Happened

[Tahlvin]

[Phoebe]

[Phoebe]

When people scream a long and feral scream into their pillows, you know... that moment? I can't really do that. So here I am, screaming a long and feral scream into my pillow. I love my work and care about the job a lot, but it is producing long feral screams in my mind right now. I just cannot even believe the astounding series of things... just... OMG. The other crazy thing is that the person I have over the years least liked working with has gradually transformed into the only thing keeping things sane at the job. That freaks me out; that kind of transformation happens every once in a while and it's always very trippy and disturbing.

[Ronster]

[Phoebe]

The Bob Ross love continues over here.

[Phoebe]

I have lost all my motivation to move forward on anything, and trust that this is not a good moment to lose motivation to move. After this I am going to go walk the dog as a form of self-ass-kicking, since it's cold and that will be unpleasant, but something has to light up. Bad shit is happening at work and too many deep WHY type questions are coming up.

[Phoebe]

Got motivated, did things, and now AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAwhydoIevenhaveajob????? I could be a stay at home mom. I could be living some kind of carefree artist's life, I could be writing books or just laying around as a plaything for my spouse. I would go to the gym a lot more, things would be better for everyone. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS UP? Things could be a lot worse though. A lot worse.

Also I suspect someone just wrote me an email while they were high but ... I cannot prove it.

[Cazmonster]

I will mail you jam if you want it. I just canned my first batch of grapefruit marmalade, although it is a lot more like grapefruit sauce.

You just say the word and I will send you holiday cheer.

[Phoebe]

Did I miss this before or block it out mentally because I DO VERY MUCH want jam but I'm already having lots of problems not eating junk as it is, and any homemade jam would result in a frenzy of oatmeal bread toast gluttony. However, YES and maybe someday I will take you up on that offer. I am just here to note for myself - sometimes I dip back through to get a glimpse of where my head was at in the past - that I am freaked out by many things right now. One of them is that every time I have success in my career life, it appears to result from being personally appealing to some older dude. And that's fine, usually the older dudes are fine and apart from some uncomfortable hugging it's all okay, but I get it when people report having that kernel of uncertainty that comes from being valued for being appealing. I love it when people want to reward me for doing good things, but when they like you seemingly out of proportion to your value (and the hugging, right?) it produces a disturbing inner sense. On the other hand, I remember that my husband too enjoys career successes that come mainly from being the kind of powerful white dude that many other white dudes and ladies consider reassuring and intelligent. And he is those things, too, but I think sometimes the superficial qualities are what win them over. I also try to remember that sometimes winning is built mostly on showing up and not being a fuck-up (I am working hard on that right now, may win yet at fuckuppery!). I realize that whenever a semi-competent and inoffensive person comes into my own orbit, the farther I wend my way through the world, the more I deeply want to carry them along in my wake and even push them out in front of my own boat. So maybe that's all it is, except for the hugging, which just cannot be about anything besides boobs, except that other people really are huggers, so who knows. What's up, huggers, wtf is wrong that you need so much hugging?

[Cazmonster]

It just looks like you're having a tough time, and you're one of my nerd pride people, and so I want to help out.

[Phoebe]

Thanks. I'm sitting in a car with two kids who are both frantic with need to potty, talking about how God created noodles, and I can't get out of this parking lot until kid 3 shows up. So if you could come help them pee in a pop cup? I don't know. Or just be waiting at my house with the Pinot already cracked open. And the jam. And oatmeal bread toast.

[Cazmonster]

Unfortunately, I cannot fold spacetime. I really wish I could.

[Phoebe]

OMG THE THINGS GOING ON BE IT IN LIFE OR THIS WORLD

[Cazmonster]

Tonight, Barb's family was in fine form. Two loud conversations that never seemed to end. You folks who like to talk, how do you keep from going absolutely mad? I had to pass out to protect myself from the constant voices.

I like working nights because the room is quiet. If I worked days I would eventually freak out, because I can't block conversations and I parse up to three of them at the same time even if I don't want to. I don't know what I'd do if I had to be in the middle of all those different voices all the time.

[Phoebe]

Dude I hear you; this is my husband's family.

[Phoebe]

After a year's struggle to burn any traces of blondness out of my hair and turn it silver, I've finally gotten to some horrible, awkward middle position where the root half is silver and the end half is dark brass, and there's no way I can do anything to fix that without fucking up the precious silver part, and I refuse to let any misguided chemical efforts sully it. So here we are. I will be some sort of tragic hippogriff of hair for another year and then it will be perfect. Thank you parents, one for your wrinklefree perfect skin and the other for your perfect silver hair at the midpoint of life. Shit let's hope it's the midpoint! I'd be doing great.

[Phoebe]

The level of craziness I encounter daily at work is impressive. I feel like this must be true in every job, but maybe I should have chosen options that allowed me to save lives or roll around in bags of money instead. There are a few modifications I could make, like getting that damn nursing degree, but everyone around me keeps trying to explain that you have to clean up other people's poop, and that it's a far different grotesquery when it's not your own kids' or relatives' poop. I feel that is not universally true of nursing but what do I know? I think I would make an awesome hospice nurse but everyone else is like NO WAY, NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM! Why not?

And maybe it's the Trump election or something but I feel like I need practical skills for the apocalypse, know what I mean? I'm not even very good at harvesting seeds for replanting. I'm a dabbler, not a real gardener. However, at least I can be confident of having the wettest yard around even in times of drought. So... great. The other option is that I could take part-time night courses in becoming an electrician. I have looked into it. The electricians make WAY MORE MONEY than I do, the work looks pretty fun, and it also looks do-able (complex switches are like an enjoyable sudoku puzzle) except for the physical parts that might come into it - like I can't really hoist someone's chandelier easily. But I already know a kickass lady who runs a construction company by women for women and would love to hire a female electrician. Wouldn't that rock? And I would bet - judging from my 100% negative encounters with "contractors" - the hours and days worked are somewhat flexible, shall we say. Spontaneous, even.

[Cazmonster]

I hear you. I've gotten good at canning. I am thinking about trying to lay in things that we could use going forward. Also, thinking about beekeeping. Because then, I could maybe buy 20 or 30 acres somewhere north of here, set up a good little farm and live without politics mattering.

Maybe.

[Cazmonster]

My new guy won't shut the fuck up and sees everything as a conspiracy. I could shut his ass down, or I could continue to rock out under my headphones.

I am going to continue to rock out under my headphones. They are very good noise cancelling headphones and pushing Swedish House Mafia through them effectively silences the whole room.

[Phoebe]

Beekeeping. Yes. And then you can have apple trees, and some kind of herd animal.