Nerd Pride Radio

The joys of self-hatred! Nietzsche said something like"the person who hates himself can at least respect himself as someone who has standards." I'm not sure if that's true or not; makes a good line, though. And it helps explain at least some of why self-hatred happens, I think. I mean, it seems like a preposterous thing--why the hell do we do it (or at least some of us)? Whatever point of view you adopt--evolutionary, philosophical, ethical--it seems really odd. And when you take it to the level of self-harm, it seems even more bizarre. I have no real insight into it, so I'm just kind of rambling. Well, I have no real insight into many things, but I've read a lot.

I do like the feeling of drinking bourbon. Nice and warm. A weird mix with the bad thoughts.

I played D&D with some friends and had a few beers, but I wasn't able to post. The PCs rescued a university professor from a mob of religious zealots. Fun. This is a group of people I've known for more than 30 years; it is great to see them, but there's also a hole there--my friend who died was part of this group. Speaking of that, my friend's yarzeit is coming up in early October. I'm guessing it'll be bad.

All of that stuff is real; my bad thoughts are almost entirely adolescent bullshit on steroids. In the grand scheme of things, they're petty and inconsequential. Yet they often dominate my life. I'm just fucked up. And fucked.

Drinking a toast to my uncle.

I shall toast him now as well but... Let me refill my cup. Hold on. Ok, a toast!

One of the bourbons I have is significantly stronger than the others. And I drank a *little* more than normal.

I have been misled by advertising. Nowhere in the ads do they say that bourbon can jack up the seething.

Wow I’m predictable.

Not a good day.

It turns out they serve beer here.

Riding home on the train. Remembering how much I suck.

Went out drinking with the spouse whose plan was to cheer me up. Get this texf:
"Dead mouse.
Lotioned cat.
Pls come home."
So we are going home.

Everyone and everything is okay. Just wanting to clarify, all is well here. I hung out ith some friends, a tu look, damn can't hetcitm . The people had some deep stories, you know, things have wanted to hear.tldr got with the best people, spent some c time, they were like, girl you justcnedxto sleep morem okay. That's the word from the people who know, it was very good to be with positive people, who thon you klnedx to chill and sleep morem. Ok.

The churning has turned into full-tilt seething and despair.

On the plus side, tonight bourbon is making me very sleepy.

Been a horrible few weeks. I haven’t had a drink in a while, so I had some bourbon. I don't think it’s helping.

I had some whiskey; trying to decide if I shoiuld have some more. It's New Year's Eve, but I don't feel that much like celebrating. Plus it's only 10:36.

Kids are up with me; wife went to bed. I hope she's asleep--she needs the rest, badly.

Should I have more whiskey?

I hope to god that 2020 is a fuck of a lot better than 2019. This year has sucked.

So I had a bit more bourbon. Not sure if that’s good or bad.

Fuck. As happens so often, a person I wish I’d never met is severely fucking with my soul/psyche/emotions.

Family nightmare for the last few weeks. Fuck.

Bourbon numbs it a bit.

Had several bourbons, but feel pretty good tonight. Things with the family have improved, and wife got me a superb bottle of bourbon.

Still hate myself, but external circumstances are somewhat better.

Just going to give up and post here because I can't type well on this teensy Tony keyboard and it keeps saying Upsupported Chatracter. What does that even mean? Why?

Guess what I'm doing right now? That's right I'm changing the key letter. Nope. Kitty litter. Haha. Sometimes I think my phone does this to make a joke with me that I will enjoy. Yes I did enjoy that phone, those were particularly key letters weren't they? You Droll rogue you.

'A little loopy. Sort of balanced on the edge of good v bad. Trying to keep perspective because my problems are tiny compared to many, and they're also exceedingly juvenile. But perspective is hard.,