I'm looking for some serious advice from the folks on this board.
My child came out as transgender in 2016. After telling our family, one of my sisters, C, who still lives in our hometown in Indiana and is an evangelical Christian, sent my wife information from Focus on the Family, which is strongly anti-LGBTQ+. We ignored it. Shortly after, two of my nieces, one of sister B's daughters and one of C's daughters, both adults at the time, both posted an anti-trans video from Ben Shapiro on Facebook. I posted that I was disappointed with the nieces, given that my child is trans, and caused some tension in the family with me getting the impression that many thought I was the bad guy for confronting the nieces. So for the sake of family harmony, I've kept my mouth shut and my thoughts mostly to myself. Given the intervening 7 years or so, with the recent focus of Republicans on anti-trans legislation and demonizing LGBTQ+ folks as groomers and pedophiles, perhaps that wasn't wise on my part. During that time, my child has had to see sister B's son-in-law, husband of the niece that posted the Ben Shapiro video and an armed law enforcement officer (and self-proclaimed devout Christian husband and father), post on Facebook that he was use any means at his disposal to protect his wife and daughter if he ever caught a transwoman come near them. One of my cousins regularly posts the most disgusting anti-trans comments/jokes on Facebook. And Indiana, the state where many of my family still lives, is now ranked as one of the worst in terms of active anti-trans laws in the nation, in a second tier with a lot of other red states that all seem to be vying to be the next Florida as the absolute worst.
Which brings us to now. We're having a family get together in July, in part as an early celebration of my mom's 80th birthday. All of my kids are planning to attend with their significant others, including my trans son and his trans boyfriend. It doesn't sound like C's daughter will be there, but B's daughter and son-in-law will be there. I've mentioned in texts to my sisters that my son and his partner will be there, and mentioned it to my mother on a phone call. But I'm worried that someone will say something offensive to or around my son and/or his partner. And frankly, I'm rather P.O.'d about keeping my silence for the past 7 years while things for the LGBTQ+ community have deteriorated, with the implicit, or even sometimes explicit, help of some of my family members. Do I give them the benefit of the doubt and the chance to prove me wrong, keep my mouth shut, and just show up and hope for the best behavior from these family members? Do I speak up about my concerns to my parents? Or will that decrease their enjoyment of what should be a festive family occasion for them? Or do I speak up to my sisters about my concerns and hope that they'll keep their kids in line at the risk of all of them thinking I'm a woke whiner?
Serious Question
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I understand the family ties and, as a vocal LGBTQ+ supporter in a deeply red Texas county, I relate to the hatred and vitriol being spit at you. (We've been called groomers and pedophiles for participating in the local Pride celebration which is comin up Saturday.) That said, I also really respect the restraint and wisdom in "choosing your battles." You can't fight every fight. No one can. But your obligation to family doesn't mean you or your son (and Son's partner) are obligated to associate with people that wish them harm or ill. If the family setting up the event isn't willing to say something or exclude bigots, then that's also a form of abuse on your family. I might consider skipping the event and telling whoever organized it why (in a polite way).
I look at it this way- imagine that instead of it being a trans issue, imagine it was a race issue. Say you adopted your son and he was black. And you were getting all this same hatred and threats of violence rained down on your family. I think most people would think you're justified in refusing to participate in events where bigots will be present. This is no different from that.
I look at it this way- imagine that instead of it being a trans issue, imagine it was a race issue. Say you adopted your son and he was black. And you were getting all this same hatred and threats of violence rained down on your family. I think most people would think you're justified in refusing to participate in events where bigots will be present. This is no different from that.
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Agree with Kyle. Everything you did up to this point makes perfect sense and was protective of both your kids and the peace in the family. The moral duty to take on bigots and bullies is not the only duty that we have to respond to, even if it's important. Sometimes other things outweigh or you have to choose when to act.
I would say you have a two-tier decision procedure here. One is to let the kid (and partner) decide what he wants to do, since he's old enough to be a decider in this situation. Knowing that people might express rudeness or even hostility, does he want to be in that environment? Does he want you to say something in preparation beforehand? I'd let him be the decider as much as possible on this.
Then, assuming he wants to go be with his family, knowing it comes with risks, the second question is what duty you have as a parent to protect the physical safety of the kid. He can choose about his emotional safety, and you can discuss in advance what you might say in response to any rude remarks. However, the other safety issue comes up when husband-of-niece is making veiled threats of violence. People say things like this without really meaning it, but he sounds capable of acting on his crazed beliefs. I wouldn't trust being physically around a person like that without discussing the issue in advance. I would just tell him, sometimes people say things rhetorically that they don't mean fully or wouldn't act on in all situations. I need to know that if you're spending time with my kid, my kid and his friend are going to be safe. Etc. But again, if your own kid doesn't want to go through this or have you say all this in advance, then I'd just let him take the lead on it. Your kid being able to rest secure in the knowledge that his parents have his back, solidly, no matter what he wants to do, is the best. You're already doing this!
I would say you have a two-tier decision procedure here. One is to let the kid (and partner) decide what he wants to do, since he's old enough to be a decider in this situation. Knowing that people might express rudeness or even hostility, does he want to be in that environment? Does he want you to say something in preparation beforehand? I'd let him be the decider as much as possible on this.
Then, assuming he wants to go be with his family, knowing it comes with risks, the second question is what duty you have as a parent to protect the physical safety of the kid. He can choose about his emotional safety, and you can discuss in advance what you might say in response to any rude remarks. However, the other safety issue comes up when husband-of-niece is making veiled threats of violence. People say things like this without really meaning it, but he sounds capable of acting on his crazed beliefs. I wouldn't trust being physically around a person like that without discussing the issue in advance. I would just tell him, sometimes people say things rhetorically that they don't mean fully or wouldn't act on in all situations. I need to know that if you're spending time with my kid, my kid and his friend are going to be safe. Etc. But again, if your own kid doesn't want to go through this or have you say all this in advance, then I'd just let him take the lead on it. Your kid being able to rest secure in the knowledge that his parents have his back, solidly, no matter what he wants to do, is the best. You're already doing this!
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I think you got this, and this is all excellent advice. I don't know the right thing to do but here's how I hope it'll go:
My hope is that everyone will be on their best behavior, even if they think y'all will go to hell or whatever, and there's no big confrontations or worse. I hope it'll be a good experience, to see your relatives, for your fam to feel connected to your extended fam, and maybe it'll do a little bit to change minds on their ends too. If they ask questions about the transition, I hope it's based on curiosity and empathy.
That said, first sign of someone saying something rude or offensive, I'd just leave. Give them a chance, but no need to stay in an uncomfortable situation longer than need be.
Good luck!!
My hope is that everyone will be on their best behavior, even if they think y'all will go to hell or whatever, and there's no big confrontations or worse. I hope it'll be a good experience, to see your relatives, for your fam to feel connected to your extended fam, and maybe it'll do a little bit to change minds on their ends too. If they ask questions about the transition, I hope it's based on curiosity and empathy.
That said, first sign of someone saying something rude or offensive, I'd just leave. Give them a chance, but no need to stay in an uncomfortable situation longer than need be.
Good luck!!
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Yeah... hopefully people recognize that this is your mom's day and no one else's. She gets to have as much family as possible around her to celebrate her and nobody needs to be fucking it up. My wife's extended family includes 3 openly gay cousins but also is about 75% red-state mentality. There's some people who talk a big game in other settings, but I've never seen a political or socially charged throwdown at any of the large special-occasion gatherings, because everyone recognizes that it's not the place for it.
On the other hand, I have no clue what any of the LGBTQ+ persons experience in more private conversations at these events, so maybe I just get the rose colored public face of things. And with the huge conservative push to tie everything back to trans issues lately and then label anyone they don't like as a "groomer", maybe this year is different.
But more than any of that, this is supposed to be a joyous event. It shouldn't be you and your family's emotional burden to bear to teach bigots why they're bigots. It shouldn't be put on you or your wife or your son to have to justify his right to exist to people who are willfully ignorant. You should be allowed to enjoy your mom's birthday without having to put up with any of that sort of bullshit.
On the other hand, I have no clue what any of the LGBTQ+ persons experience in more private conversations at these events, so maybe I just get the rose colored public face of things. And with the huge conservative push to tie everything back to trans issues lately and then label anyone they don't like as a "groomer", maybe this year is different.
But more than any of that, this is supposed to be a joyous event. It shouldn't be you and your family's emotional burden to bear to teach bigots why they're bigots. It shouldn't be put on you or your wife or your son to have to justify his right to exist to people who are willfully ignorant. You should be allowed to enjoy your mom's birthday without having to put up with any of that sort of bullshit.
Any time the solution is "banjo rifle", I'm in 100%.
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Get together went okay. A couple of the people I was most worried about did not show up, and the others either didn't say anything or limited their comments to when they were away from me or any of my kids.
Now I'm on a weekend road trip to Colorado. My daughter needed a copy of her birth certificate to get her Colorado drivers license. We had to order a replacement one because we couldn't track down her original (we think we already gave it to her for something else). The replacement arrived this past week, after we saw her for the family get together in Indiana, so we decided to drive it out to her and have a quick visit. Left really early yesterday, drove 15 hours, arrived in time to grab dinner with her and her boyfriend, will spend today together, then leave really early tomorrow for the 15 hour drive back home.
Now I'm on a weekend road trip to Colorado. My daughter needed a copy of her birth certificate to get her Colorado drivers license. We had to order a replacement one because we couldn't track down her original (we think we already gave it to her for something else). The replacement arrived this past week, after we saw her for the family get together in Indiana, so we decided to drive it out to her and have a quick visit. Left really early yesterday, drove 15 hours, arrived in time to grab dinner with her and her boyfriend, will spend today together, then leave really early tomorrow for the 15 hour drive back home.
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Yay, glad it was all accomplished without major incident!