Krakengard

[Phoebe]

You may ask yourself, why isn't this posted in the forum for Babble. Answer: this is too important. This exists, people. It exists, I bought it for my kid as his first "official" deodorant and it smells every bit as good as the name would indicate. Minty in that classic Vicks Va-po-rub way, with perhaps a hint of eucalyptus? Pine needles? I would bathe in it, honestly. I rubbed it on my wrists like perfume so I can sniff it periodically.

[Akiva]

You may ask yourself, why isn't this posted in the forum for Babble. Answer: this is too important. This exists, people. It exists, I bought it for my kid as his first "official" deodorant and it smells every bit as good as the name would indicate. Minty in that classic Vicks Va-po-rub way, with perhaps a hint of eucalyptus? Pine needles? I would bathe in it, honestly. I rubbed it on my wrists like perfume so I can sniff it periodically.

I need to try that.

[Phoebe]

Dude seriously. When you do just come stand outside in my yard and I'll come sniff you periodically. In a friendly way, not too friendly. Nothing weird about this plan.

While I'm on the subject, may I gently inquire what the f*** happens to the menfolk in the onset of puberty to cause these smells? These acrid and toxic and terrifying smells? Now keep in mind, I'm the kind of person who would dab a little Krakengard on for perfume at home, and breathes in deeply with a contented sigh whenever the distant trail of a skunk is detected. So it's not like I'm the prime candidate for horror when my kid removes his shoes in the car. Or maybe there is a genetic reason why I am the prime candidate? The only thing that smells worse is if he uses the restroom. He poops in this prodigious manner far more weighty and powerful than anything I would achieve in my full adulthood. But the shoes are beyond all belief! One day of him in these athletic shoes wearing nice cotton socks and you will faint when you're in the car and he takes off a shoe. The important thing here - let's not lose sight of it - is that at least he's wearing Krakengard.

[Akiva]

I bought myself one of these, but I always forget how to insert photo files (as opposed to urls) here. So you'll just have to trust me.

I'm even wearing some now. The scent is okay, but a bit annoying after a while.

But it fills me with so many questions. Is it supposed to help me guard against the kraken? Am I the kraken? If so, who/what do I have to guard? Is the kraken really the friends I made along the way? Is it a self help thing--"Release your inner kraken?" Does it mean that if I wear it I can become a defenseman on Seattle's new hockey team? But can I even know what the kraken is? Can I really know myself? Can I really know anything? Is Krakengard trying to make an epistemological point? If my inner kraken is unknowable, then how am I supposed to live? What should I do with my life? Am I even free to choose what to do with my life? Is free will an illusion? Is existence nothing but absurdity? Does this need to come with a content warning--"Existential dread forthcoming?"

(You can tell I've had way to much education.)

[Phoebe]

Lollllllll you have killed me, I was just sitting here innocently trying to eat my Cheerios and not dribble them on myself.
I'm so proud of you for acquiring one of these marvelous and delightfully scented life tools. You're going to have to run from your wife every time you try to go up the stairs but, it's a small price to pay for smelling wonderful.
I had all these same sorts of questions - not exactly the same but a very large amount of overlap on the list.
I put them to my child since he is the bearer of the krakengard, and he said that it was very simple: the deodorant is in fact a shield against the Kraken. So there you have it. Go forth fearlessly toward the ocean.

[Phoebe]

Just kind of hoping for an update. What happened once you started wearing it? Did you have to tell your wife to stop chasing you? Did strange women and men in the grocery store start following you down the aisles? Isn't there a product with commercials like this? A body spray some type of body spray, like maybe with Britney Spears, or maybe it just makes me think of Britney Spears because of the type of body spray... I really couldn't tell you. Body sprays that bring out the animal lusts. This is why you have the Krakengard - so that you can keep them off you!! It used to be that my husband was very warm and I was very cool and I would wrap my limb around his and he would scream like a rabbit about the cold octopus grabbing him from the depths. Actually no that was me, announcing myself as the cold octopus from the depths while he screamed in horror. Then you get old; I am now hot 24/7 and I mean, hot like I have no idea how I'm going to get through the month of May. The ideal weather is about 54°. I can't live on this planet anymore.

[Mike]

You're thinking of Axe.

[Phoebe]

YESssssSss there it is!

[Akiva]

Even the mighty Kragkengard was unable to overcome my ineptitude.

[Phoebe]

You can't pop out with something like that and then drop the mic and walk out of the building!
What does that mean?
You wore the gard but were dragged into the depths of the ocean anyway to be mauled by the kraken?
You tried to get your wife to chase you but she did not like the scent of eucalyptus and crushed pine needles, or whatever the hell it is?
You wandered through the city trying to attract the ladies, but your overall lack of game foiled your efforts despite the fact that they lingered in the area long enough to inhale your delicious aroma?
WHAT?!

[Akiva]

/

You wore the gard but were dragged into the depths of the ocean anyway to be mauled by the kraken?

Metaphorically, yes.

You tried to get your wife to chase you but she did not like the scent of eucalyptus and crushed pine needles, or whatever the hell it is?

Had no discernible impact.

You wandered through the city trying to attract the ladies, but your overall lack of game foiled your efforts despite the fact that they lingered in the area long enough to inhale your delicious aroma?

Never had game (well maybe negative gain; I think I repel people).

So my typical day as a fuck up, no effect from the gard. And I don't really like the smell, so I think I'm done with my kraken time.

[Phoebe]

I don't really like the smell

Socialism is, in its essence, an attack upon the right of the ordinary man or woman to breathe freely without having a harsh, clumsy tyrannical hand clapped across their mouths and nostrils. But I will go farther. I declare to you, from the bottom of my heart that no Socialist system can be established without a scent police. Many of those who are advocating Socialism or voting Socialist today will be horrified at this idea. That is because they are shortsighted, that is because they do not see where their theories are leading them. And where would the ordinary simple folk—the common people, as they like to call them in America—where would they be, once this mighty Kraken had got them in its grip?

[Akiva]

Who knew Krakengard had so much depth and extent?

I'm willing to bet the good folks at Old Spice don't know.

[Phoebe]

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight the Kraken, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight its tentacles with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend ourselves whatever the cost of the Old Spice Krakengard may be.