[LiveRead] Amish Cradle Conspiracy

[Mike]

HE wants to know why they can't just admit their love for each other when HE'S the one who ended it because of his doody problem? What kind of gaslighting bullshit is this?

[Kyle]

Chapter 15:

Wow. Hold on to your butts.

What changes everything? A second person who just now spotted Leah in the perp's car. But what can they do? Adele is also in danger, being a pregnant Amish woman that has piqued the interest of the perp. There's only one thing to do: Jack and Nicole have to split up. Jack's going after the car with Leah, and Nicole is going to run after Adele (remember they only have one shot up car). Before they leave, Jack swoops Nicole into his arms and plants a passionate kiss on her lips. She returns the passion. They split up.

Jack races to where Leah was spotted and... he SEES THE CAR! But is it the same one? Is Leah still in it? As he gets behind the perp vehicle, his worst suspicions are confirmed when he sees a tiny fist pop up in the back windshield. Jack tries to stay calm, but the perp makes his car and speeds off. At this point, Jack would probably just let him get away (if the past five escapes are any indication), but he floors it. Following close behind it, Jack watches as the perp tries to take a 90 degree turn onto a gravel road. But the gravel is fresh and the perp spins out of control, sending the car into a ditch. Jack blocks the car with his, gets out and arrests the perp- who's a young teen kid we've never seen before (Uh. Okay, I guess.) In the back... is Leah! She's unharmed. Jack radios it all in.

We flash to Leah who is at Adele's house now. (Insert Adele "Hello" joke here.) But she hears an engine in the fields next door- like a... motorcycle! He's there! Adele and Nicole run from the house to the woods. Adele says that if they go through the woods, they'll get to her cousin's house, and he has a party line phone at his place! (Doesn't Nicole have a cell phone in her secret apron pocket?) After much laborious hiking through the woods, they get there, but they've heard an ATV circling around, looking for them. As they sneak to the house, Adele trips... on her cousin's dead body! The perp has been using her cousin's house as his base of operations in Amish country the whole time! (I don't know how Nicole made this logical leap, but she's a pretty good detective.) She tells Adele to run into the house and call 911, while Nicole distracts the perp. Adele makes it to the house and Nicole pulls out her cell phone (told you) and tries to call the station when the phone is slapped out of her hand. She looks up at the barrel of the gun held by the perp. He taunts her and says he can't believe she doesn't recognize him. And then it hits her. Holy fucking shit. He's Brandon Nichols.

Dun! Dun! Dun!

Then he hits her on the head with a shovel and knocks her out.

Also- I have no clue who Brandon Nichols is. We heard he was called Brandon and Nicolas at various points. I feel like if this is someone she knows, she had the clues there the whole time. But you know what, with her heart conflicted as it is with Jack, I guess I understand the confusion.

[Mike]

Interesting: this is book 13 in the Amish Country Justice series of inspirational romance novels. All of them seem to feature different characters, however the male romantic leads in books 10, 11, and 12 are Levi, Abram, and Sam Burkholder respectively, so I imagine there's some background interconnectedness and little Easter eggs throughout for the hardcore fans.

Fully three of the previous books are Amish CHRISTMAS inspirational romance crime thrillers. Interesting niche.

[Eliahad]

Fully three of the previous books are Amish CHRISTMAS inspirational romance crime thrillers. Interesting niche.

Says a person who has seen Santasm.

[Kyle]

Chapter 16:

Nicole wakes up and is being carried fireman-style by Brandon. She suddenly remembers where she recognizes him from! They went to college together over a decade ago. Seriously. Why didn't I predict that? Anyways, he has her handcuffed and as he makes stupid threats to her, she realizes that he's a psychopath. He explains that after he kills her, he's going to find Lucy and Leah and kill them so they can't identify him and put him in jail. She asks him why he's doing this, and he tells her that while she's been toiling at a dead end job for a decade, he's been getting rich beyond his wildest dreams selling babies on the black market. So then he takes her into a partially filled corn silo and throws her in the middle of it. Then he leaves her and turns on a motor outside. Suddenly a trickle of corn starts dropping from the conveyer belt at the top of the silo (it's a short silo- only like ten feet tall). She can't escape with her hands handcuffed behind her. She doesn't know how much time she has before she suffocates.

DUN! DUN! DUN!

We flash to Jack back at the station. The captain comes out and announces that Adele is safe, but Nicole is still missing. Jack freaks out and he and Tanner (his FBI partner) rush out to the cousin's farm where they were at. They're followed by Officer Alsohere in his cruiser. They get to the scene and start rushing around to find Nicole. Jack hears her screaming in the silo. He turns off the conveyor and jumps on the roof. Looking down at her, the grain has reached all the way up to her chin! Tanner calls for fire rescue so they can use a grain rescue tube (whatever, I'm sure it's real and we don't really care). But they don't have time to wait! Nicole's energy is waning and she won't be able to hold her head up... and I guess her mouth will go a little into the corn... and she'll die? I don't know. But Jack jumps in and embraces her, holding her head up until help arrives. Which it does and it gets them out of the silo.

Apparently while all this was going on, Officer Alsohere arrested Brandon, because he's in the back of the cruiser. Nicole tells them that Brandon's dad is Jeremy Nichols, the SUPER FAMOUS philanthropist billionaire (surely you've heard of Mr. Jeremy Nichols). And he was in on the plot. So they put a warrant out for the Dad's arrest too. Just before Nicole is driven away in an ambulance, her and Jack share a passionate kiss.

[Phoebe]

I'm dying for air here, I was doing ok until hitting this part: "her mouth will go a little into the corn... and she'll die?" Then I just lost it and may have cried some tears or wet myself or something.

The whole concept of someone stuck in a grain bin and then a dude jumps in and stirs up that grain even more it is somehow holding her head up like what the f*** even I'm dying halppppppppppp

So you're a published author, right? And you actually write quality books! Somehow the person who wrote this has been paid to write it. I want in on this s*** damn it, I demand in on it! The Amish clearly have been done but maybe I can do the Mennonites?

[Kyle]

So you're a published author, right? And you actually write quality books! Somehow the person who wrote this has been paid to write it. I want in on this s*** damn it, I demand in on it! The Amish clearly have been done but maybe I can do the Mennonites?

Don't think I haven't thought that. I mean, I think I've got the formula figured out from this one book. And it's probably only 30,000 words or less. I could kick that out in three weeks.

But it seems the Amish market is already cornered. We need to find our own niche. Something that calls female readers to a simpler time. But with MURDER.

[Mike]

Time police romance novels.

[Mike]

Okay, ever since I posted that last bit, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I have way more worked out in my head, but here's the basics.

Temporal Investigative Service

Time travel turns out to be a rare but naturally occurring phenomenon. Discovered by accident in several eras, humankind has now harnessed it, and after the chaos of the time wars, the Temporal Investigative Service was organized to restore order and protect the timeline from future meddling. The Bureau of Chrono Maintenance maintains secret offices throughout history stretching back to the 12th century, to help keep things in order, but occasionally the specialized agents of the TIS must be dispatched to handle major disruptions and chrono fugitives.

Each book details an agent (or team of agents) traveling through time to investigate and rectify disruptions in the time stream and then to pursue chrono criminals through time and bring them to justice. But due to the nature of time travel**, a lot of our investigation and tracking will involve spending an extended period of time in a romantic historical era where there will be plenty of chances for forbidden cross-time romantic entanglements that are usually either doomed or else require one partner to give up everything they've ever known for the other.

**The Nature of Time Travel. Time travel generally has to have a portal at either end of the journey, and due to the temporal resonance of the universe, it can only happen in exactly 30 year increments. This simplifies some of the most basic timey-wimey stuff and lets us handwave away the broader conflicts it creates.

[Phoebe]

People freaking love Outlander, so... I see this plan working beautifully. By people I mean my husband. I do not like Outlander. The time travel is but one reason why.

[Kyle]

Chapter 17:

Three Months Later

This fucking book. So it's three months later and Jack is walking out of the courthouse where his sister's murder trial just concluded. The guy was convicted to life without parole. The book also casually mentions that Jack also obtained a HUGE settlement from the company that provided the chemicals used to poison his sister. As he leaves the courtroom, he knows he's just got one thing left to do.

He has a meeting with his FBI boss where he tells her that he's still in love with Nicole, but can't keep any secrets from her. So he needs permission to tell her about the undercover work he was doing where he had to pretend to be the lover of a female terrorist so he could infiltrate the cell and bring the terrorists (including his lover) down and put them in jail. The boss nods knowingly and asks Jack to wait in the reception area, which he does. Apparently the boss just makes a few calls because a few minutes later she sticks her head out the door and gives the thumbs up with the comment, "I better get invited to the wedding!" Because... you know... that's how top secret clearance works at the FBI.

Flash forward to later that afternoon. Jack shows up at Nicole's door and tells her everything. How he's always loved her. How he never stopped loving her. How his undercover assignment forced him to be the lover of a terrorist woman, who he put in jail. How he's never going to keep secrets from her again. Then he pulls out the ring. The same engagement ring that she threw back in his face when she thought he was having an affair with another woman (which he was, but didn't want to be). He asks her to marry him. Nicole goes bananas because she can't say "yes" loud enough, she's so excited. If this all seems confusing to you... me too. Isn't "I'm in the FBI and had to have sex with that woman" the absolute worst excuse ever? And even if it's true. Uh. Fuck you, Jack.

But you know what? I'm not Nicole and I guess I just don't understand the complete self-sacrifice that a cop or FBI has to make. I guess I can't really appreciate how brave and honorable Jack was to repeatedly sleep with a terrorist so he could protect our country. You know what? I guess I get it now. You're a true hero, Jack.

[Tahlvin]

People freaking love Outlander, so... I see this plan working beautifully. By people I mean my husband. I do not like Outlander. The time travel is but one reason why.

My wife has been a huge fan of Outlander since she read the first book 30+ years ago in college. Has all the books, and has watched all the episodes of the TV show.

[Mike]

My concept is that I love time travel and my wife likes period romances, so TIS combines the two... plus MURDER.

[Kyle]

Epilogue:

One Year Later

Jack is driving Nicole-- his wife-- and Chloe somewhere just outside Sutter Springs, but won't tell them where they are going. It's a surprise. Well guess what? Remember that HUGE lawsuit settlement Jack got in the last chapter without an context or foundation from the rest of the story? Yeah, that one. Well he's decided to spend it on the most important part of his life: his family.

They pull up to a giant lavish farmhouse with a wraparound porch and ornate shutters and blah blah blah. There's a barn and a stable and blah blah blah. They rush in and Chloe is running around like a little monster goggling at shit. And then she gets to her bedroom and she absolutely loses her shit. And then Jack and Nicole tell her that they want this to be her forever room. And what does she think if they adopted her. Of course she loves the idea and then they all embrace. As the epilogue and novel end, the lesson from this last chapter is this: large sums of money earned off the blood of your dead relatives can buy happiness. The End.

P.S.- There was no hot love-making. What the fuck? It's not like Jack and Nicole were Amish.

P.P.S.- Those fucking criminals were dumb as shit and Jack and Nicole were dumber for not catching them sooner. Brandon apparently left Nicole in a silo to die over like-- two hours? What are you a fucking James Bond villain? And then even though you know Adele got to safety (because we heard you rant about it) and probably told the cops where you are, you decided to set up your Nicole death trap (which worked real well with coffee-acid, right?) and then do what? Go in and luxuriate in a hot bath? Idiots. Everyone in this book was an idiot. Fuck you Amish Cradle Conspiracy.

4.5 out of 5 Stars.

[Mike]

P.S.- There was no hot love-making. What the fuck? It's not like Jack and Nicole were Amish.

"Inspirational Romance". This is a Christian romance novel. Go find your smut somewhere else.

[Tahlvin]

Silo suffocation is no laughing matter. It's not the mouth being covered that kills you, it's the weight of the corn/whatever pressing against your chest that eventually prevents you from being able to get enough air into and out of your lungs. Having grown up in farming country, it happens far more often than you'd think. And in fact, if her chest was completely covered and only her head and mouth were above the corn, she was probably already buried deep enough that she should have been dead. And Jack jumping into the silo on top of the corn, pressing it down even further, would have only compressed her chest more. But don't let reality get in the way of a good Amish romp in the hay.

[Kyle]

Silo suffocation is no laughing matter. It's not the mouth being covered that kills you, it's the weight of the corn/whatever pressing against your chest that eventually prevents you from being able to get enough air into and out of your lungs. Having grown up in farming country, it happens far more often than you'd think. And in fact, if her chest was completely covered and only her head and mouth were above the corn, she was probably already buried deep enough that she should have been dead. And Jack jumping into the silo on top of the corn, pressing it down even further, would have only compressed her chest more. But don't let reality get in the way of a good Amish romp in the hay.

Well but clearly you're wrong, because that didn't happen to Nicole. Do your homework, Tahlvin.

Which- by the way- clearly the author did because she knew about the rescue tubes- which are a real thing. But I guess she needed the drama.

[Kyle]

Also- now that I'm done with the book, I've decided to research some things- like do Amish have "fridges." The answer is no, with some rare exceptions:

Preferring a simple lifestyle, the Amish believe in keeping their lives separate from outside diversions. Although a decision by Amish leaders in 1919 led to the permanent absence of electricity, some have gas-powered generators, allowing for the use of refrigerators at home.

Also, there are very few "Old Amish" (traditional Amish) owned restaurants. And the ones that exist can only serve beverages like coffee, tea, etc. And can only serve food baked and brought in. So they aren't actual restaurants as we envision them- more like coffee houses.

Also also, many Amish use propane and natural gas powered appliances. But the standards differ from community to community. I found a helpful article which explained:

Interestingly, Amish don't reject electricity per se; the subject is more complicated than that. The power source itself is not the issue. Running household items with electricity, like an iron or a lamp, is perfectly agreeable with Amish beliefs. Technology that adds value to the community, is a welcome tool, although each community individually decides what exactly is considered valuable. Being connected to the power grid, however, would inevitably establish a tight connection to the non-Amish world. This in turn, fear the Amish, could influence their culture in undesired ways. Moreover, Amish leaders recognized early on that electricity can potentially power many things, and thus its use was banned in 1920.

[Phoebe]

Silo suffocation is no laughing matter. It's not the mouth being covered that kills you, it's the weight of the corn/whatever pressing against your chest that eventually prevents you from being able to get enough air into and out of your lungs. Having grown up in farming country, it happens far more often than you'd think. And in fact, if her chest was completely covered and only her head and mouth were above the corn, she was probably already buried deep enough that she should have been dead. And Jack jumping into the silo on top of the corn, pressing it down even further, would have only compressed her chest more. But don't let reality get in the way of a good Amish romp in the hay.

Exactly. You're in up to your mouth? You're dead. If you're not dead, having your dumb not-boyfriend jump on in there and grab your head will probably help accomplish it with finality.

[Phoebe]

I'm ready to start writing this one up for publication. Tell me where to send it:

The basic idea is that our heroine is a survivor of a childhood osteosarcoma of the knee. Her mother vigorously pursued modern surgery and chemo treatment and our child heroine survived, but her father was reluctant to do this and did not trust taking her for physical therapy she would have needed later.
Fast forward many years and she has become an accomplished artist, and her desire for makeup and fashion puts her at odds with many in her Mennonite community.
But she feels guilty about following this path of sinful glamour too far because her Dad, who firmly disapproved of such things, has passed away. Mom now feels the responsibility to encourage our heroine to get married.
Mom arranges a meeting with a local farmer who is frustrated with his own son's taciturn personality and unwillingness to date someone from the Mennonite community.
Sparks are flying between Mom and the farmer but not so much between the two kids:
Not only is our rugged rustic hero unimpressed by girlfriends fancy ruffled outfit and high heels, but our heroine has a dog who helps her get around. He is not formally trained and not an official guide dog.
He has never seen chickens and you can guess what happens when he shows up at the farm!
Chaos breaks out and it does not endear our young hero to his potential new bride.
They take an instant dislike to one another but, as you can imagine, they find their way slowly to romance because it turns out our young hero is a judo instructor. This is an important for the Mennonite concept of non-resistance and peace. Our heroine is never going to overpower anyone, but she is inspired by learning judo to maximize her physical capabilities and restore her strength and embrace her body as it is.
Her spiritedness and vigor is so inspiring that of course our hero learns to love her in this process, as she and her cute doggo learn to love life on the farm.
But wait, you ask, where is the murder?
Well it turns out that being an elderly mennonite farmer can put you at risk of threat from the neighboring mega farm that wants to take over your land. Inspired by a true story: the guy who runs it brings his labor in by human trafficking!
When our intrepid kids discover what is going on, they save not only farmer dad but the traffic persons through their heroic application of judo skill.

[Phoebe]

For real have you ever heard a better idea for a trashy book?