Nerd Pride Radio

It's not a cane; it's a weapon hidden in plain sight. Just keep that in your heart!

Mando wrote: ↑Mon Aug 23, 2021 6:57 pm I have gone off meds but now they have me using a cane. Uggh...wanna feel helpless and old ...just use a cane out in public. I feel like I am regarded as less of a person. My stars how have I been blind to this??

I have a similar experience when people notice my hearing aids. Like I’ve somehow lost my ability to have coherent thoughts because I’ve lost some of my hearing.

I’m so tired of feeling like this—seething with self-hatred.

And my problems are so trivial compared to others. So I’m pretty juvenile and selfish too.

In a terrible mood for my school's back to school night.

The removal of my boot is less than a week away. My mood is improving tremendously with the anticipation.

In the latest round of doors number one two or three: is it post-covid-quarantine weirdness, perimenopause, or actual mental illness? I like taking drives but I resent having to put on clothes to do it. I'm not able to wear normal clothing in the house and I resent the fact that people sometimes come to my house and force me to put normal clothes on. It starts to dawn on me that neither of my grandmothers wore normal clothes unless forced, pretty much throughout the whole time I knew them. My grandma would come home and immediately run to her room ripping things off her body snarling about "bindings" and "too hot" and I totally get it, my people, my ladies, I am totally your end product.

Feeling terrible this morning—the usual suspects. Every Sunday I listen to jazz and make pancakes. I’m hoping that’ll distract me.

Also really missing Chicago this morning (more than usual). I felt more at home living there than anywhere else.

Akiva wrote: ↑Sun Sep 26, 2021 9:34 am Feeling terrible this morning—the usual suspects. Every Sunday I listen to jazz and make pancakes. I’m hoping that’ll distract me.

Also really missing Chicago this morning (more than usual). I felt more at home living there than anywhere else.

That sounds like a good Sunday! What prevents living in Chicago again? Cannot move whole family there without crisis?

Phoebe wrote: ↑Sun Sep 26, 2021 9:46 am

Akiva wrote: ↑Sun Sep 26, 2021 9:34 am Feeling terrible this morning—the usual suspects. Every Sunday I listen to jazz and make pancakes. I’m hoping that’ll distract me.

Also really missing Chicago this morning (more than usual). I felt more at home living there than anywhere else.

That sounds like a good Sunday! What prevents living in Chicago again? Cannot move whole family there without crisis?

Jobs. My wife works in public policy, and it’s a lot harder to find a job in that field away from DC.

And if I got a teaching job out there, I might not start with tenure, which I’m convinced would lead to me being fired since I’m terrible at my job.

And we really need my current benefits (including pension).

And family.

And I don’t think my wife would want to move there.

Day is ending like it began.

I have come up with an insight worth conveying to the anxious:
Anxiety creates little air bubbles in the mind that force their way to the surface. If you block them off in one area they will find a way to another! Thus you must find a way for them to harmlessly escape and bubble through.
Suppose that you attempt to block the bubbles by picking at little bumps on your arms until they become sores with scabs, and then picking the scabs until they become worse unhealing sores with worse scabs... this is for example how some of my relatives dealt with their anxiety. This doesn't sound good!
Others more furtive and secretive in these efforts might pick a location nobody else can see, like the back of the head underneath all of the densest part of the hair. But this is a bad idea because you can actually scratch through to your skull, which is something I really don't want to do! Therefore you might train yourself carefully not to do anything like this.
But those bubbles!
They're still in there and sometimes there are a lot of them and they want to come out, and they will even come out in your sleep if you don't give them a better alternative.
In this situation, you must not under any circumstances, no matter how obviously tempting, no matter how harmless it may seem, touch your own foot.
Do not ever touch your own foot or any piece of dry skin or irregularity or bump or anything on your foot that might cause your brain to identify it as a locus of anxiety relief!
Go ahead and scratch the sores on your arm and take your chances with infection! Scratch a hidden part on your head right through to your brain if you need to, but do not touch your foot.
I hope none of you ever become so advanced in expressions of the anxieties that you reach the place where you need this advice, but if that should happen, if you should conquer your OCD so well that you are forced to pursue cruder methods of attacking your own body for relief, please take this advice to heart! One day you think it's harmless, one month you think it's harmless, four months, whatever... And then one day you can't walk on your foot because you're stupid. Just go ahead and have your OCD and count things all day or whatever. Anything is fine; just not the foot.

Took the afternoon off, and meditated, and am feeling pretty good. Let’s hope it lasts a while.

Akiva wrote: ↑Tue Sep 28, 2021 4:03 pm Took the afternoon off, and meditated, and am feeling pretty good.

Fixes that for you. You can stop after the first sentence. I'm glad you are meditating and that it's doing good things! Practice owning it while it's happening!

I hate everyone today, especially myself.

Reached the point of "peri"menopause where one simply prays each day that menopause finally #@(*$&%ing happens already. WHY NOT?
Also fear looking at people because unintentional eye-lasers may actually burn holes in entities designated as hostiles, not sure how these menopausal powers work and afraid to try them out. I regularly spend FOUR HOURS OF MY DAY DRIVING PEOPLE TO AND FRO. That is why I cannot get shit DONE.

I'm sorry your other household drivers are unable or unwilling to take some of that load for you.

Feeling overwhelmed with self-hatred this morning.

God I’m repetitive.

Trying to find the motivation. If I work really hard it's not like anything good comes from it, and if I don't work really hard it's just like being in the same messy soup but a slightly more messy version of it. Pray that menopause comes for me soon, please, I'm not planning on having any more babies and it's unfair that this pointless nonsense continues.

My wife has had crippling anxiety for almost 2 years now. And it's spiking now. So I am overwhelmed with trying to take care of her while also taking care of the kids, the pets, the house, my job, etc. And this evening one of my daughters spun into a bad explosion of anxiety. I'm exhausted already, and this is just pushing me to my limit (at least it feels that way).

And it's not like I've been doing well on my own. Feeling terrible this week, then I dreamt about someone I wish I'd never met. Self-care has never been a priority--too much other stuff to do--and now it's completely gone.

I really wish I could be someone else.

Ah, I am sorry, it is true that those of us who are anxious when we are anxious create great problems for other people sometimes. Even when you're trying to do something about it, the issue can't always be helped. I think you should congratulate yourself on making it through and tolerating the situation. Are you responding to it by running up and doing crazy s*** and gleefully shouting, "exposure!"? If not then praise yourself.

I’m nowhere near making it through I fear.

Even by my standards, I’m having a terrible week.

It’s bad enough on my own brain hates me. Now podcasts hate me too.

What?! I struggle to imagine what this may mean. I think I find myself so repulsive that I have somehow popped out straight through to the other side and decided I'm awesome. What the heck, why not.

It hit a raw nerve about a person I wish I’d never met.

Ahhh that makes sense. If I were a pure materialist about the mind and brain I would say your brain has created too many patterns that are easily touched off by external experiences, on top of the already natural tendency to fall into that same pattern of brain activity. The only solution is to disrupt the pattern. I don't think they're easily erased so you have to make a new pattern right on top of it and mess it all up. Can't paint over it - have to rip it all out like old linoleum and put it a new floor. But I'm not a pure materialist so I don't really know what to say. This seems like a good plan in the absence of any better explanation.

I'm trying to wean myself off of the tiny little dose of anti-depressant, but it sucks because any weaning gives me a headache right away, and I don't mind the pain of the headache but I can't do stuff I need to do when I have that kind of headache. Grrr. I am hoping that maybe exercise will have the same beneficial effects on the brain and that will get me patched through.

Tried to wean self off of SSRI. Self quickly did not like that, so here we are now having to take it to avoid the physiological discomfort of not taking it. Probably this physiological reaction (migraines, deeply distressed tummy) is all psychosomatic but it doesn't matter. Psychosomatic ailments can still hurt you! Now I need to figure out how we get rid of this drug and am sorry we took it because I don't want to be in this position. Boo. Why is there nothing good that can help.

SSRI withdrawal is real and can be pretty intense. I had to take someone off for a med change and it was draining. Be careful and don't make such a decision all by yourself.

I'm going to assume that some of my thoughts and feelings have something to do with this, but I have gone back on the regular minimum routine until I can get some type of physician plan for getting off it. I have this fear that someday I will actually need it again and so I don't want to be taking it now when conditions are basically okay. For example my thought today, which seems like one of the more clear and accurate thoughts I've had recently, is that I have wasted my life turning myself into a glorified maid who doesn't even do a very good job of being a maid because she has all these other distractions. I think I could do any two or three of my sub jobs very well as a unit, like maid plus mom plus society doyenne (what does that even mean? It just sounded amusing), or mom plus person with a job, or maid plus person with a job, or person who goes to the gym four times a week plus has a job and kids, or home health care worker plus maid, or landscaper plus mom plus maid... you get the idea. What I can't do is all of these things at once or any four of these things at once. You will notice that in not one of these scenarios do you see something like "top professional working at my job". Lol. No. I really completely f***** myself out of that one.

Another related thought that is not very pleasant, is that I don't know why I spent my whole life doing all the right things so that I could end up being a glorified maid. I don't know why I made every right choice, every prudent choice. Why did I bust my ass to get all A's and do everything I could to succeed? Why did I graduate at the top of my class from the best schools so that I could become a glorified maid who can't even keep her kitchen clean and her laundry system working? Why did I work so hard on things that developed my mind when what I really needed was the skill to train a goddamn dog to stop barking? Why did I try so hard not to get pregnant and never even have sex with anyone so that I would not mess up my life plan, if the main purpose of my life was to clean up after kids anyway, and I could have done it at a younger, energetic age? Why have a brain at all? Definitely no room for an artistic brain, my God. Don't think you have any kind of delicate sensibilities. You're an ox.

Phoebe wrote: ↑Sun Nov 28, 2021 5:28 pm Another related thought that is not very pleasant, is that I don't know why I spent my whole life doing all the right things so that I could end up being a glorified maid.

I know that feeling very well. As to why things worked out that way, it's because I've fucked things up.

Is it you or is it the world? I definitely didn't f*** anything up and yet here we are. That's the thing about it. Do absolutely everything right, work yourself as hard as you can, and the outcome is what it is. A person who takes the opposite path but makes other good decisions at the right moment will end up making four times your salary and that's how life rolls. I don't really care about money but it is true that things need to be done to get it so that you can have health insurance, other things you want, etc. The cost of providing a cushion for those things seems very high, and I'm talking cushion of luxury here and not essentials of living. The cost of providing essentials of living for the average person is just absurd, absolutely absurd. It's an ethical tragedy on every level, how people have to live.

After working all day and accomplishing a lot of stuff despite being a walking zombie, it turns out that I'm semi-okay with being a maid if I could only have more time to get my work done. It's all going to be okay. Adele is singing to me. One theory could be regular meds but another theory that explains this just as effectively is that I'm having an amazing hair day because I finally took a shower after like 3 days without one. Next time I feel bad I should check in on when I last showered. Don't worry, I still wash myself, I just mean I didn't do the full works with hair. If I die after having let a useless life at least my hair is freaking amazing. My kids have better hair than me so I am kept humble.

Decided a person with hair like this cannot mess up her life and be anything LESS than she intends, so I have spent the day doing endless work, ridiculous work, culminating with doing two of the more difficult and annoying things I needed to do for work work at the job, and now I will sleep some fragment of snoring-filled sleep. VICTORY DANGIT, I REFUSE anything else.

How it's going:
I was compelled to drive to the bookstore, purchase a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle, and do it myself as quickly as possible, although I can only do it here and there when time permits.
This is the desperation cry of a brain seeking to self-regulate and escape into an endlessly joyful and harmless loop function.

Is it that I am a fragile bird trapped in an increasingly confining cage, prevented from forming or pursuing any new dreams or even bringing old dreams to their intended fruition, gradually ground under in endless drudgery and the erosion of hope and creativity? Or is it that i forgot to take a pill and need to keep on track with such things? Who can say.

That first thing sounds familiar.

I just fucking give up today. I can't.

It's okay. You don't have to all the time.

Seconded. Sometimes it is just too much.

The mind seems perfectly healthy but in order to achieve that state it keeps diverting things, so ... I'm so stressed out that my right eye keeps twitching. Usually that's a temporary thing but we're just rolling with it all week. Ah, to be fair it is also sometimes the left eye.

Someone described the person who will be president in 2025 as inevitable and it sent me into a brief panic. That said, calmed down, it's not inevitable, it is possible, but if it happens we'll get through it. Also don't want "what if in three years" to overwhelm the now. Reminded there were no doubt people who staked their whole life's mental health on the despair that a Castro was still in power. Don't let politicians steal the joyful moments of life they can never touch.... is a goal of mine.

I totally get it; if this happens we have had serious discussions about getting our daughters clean out of this country to attend school elsewhere, as it would be good timing for their ages and I don't know what kind of future life they could build here - it's not the one person, it's the movement, it's the fact that the numbers game isn't shaking out the way I would have expected (e.g. voter registrations, plus voter suppression, plus unhinged crazies constantly doing their best these days without shame/fear that used to keep the bad behaviors more in check). But despite taking this deadly seriously in that respect, I don't want it to affect my own functioning and my own effectiveness, which needs to be higher especially if things like that happen. Maybe it's motivational in that respect.

Stressful few weeks here. Please do not touch the foot. Please do not attack your own head or body in any way. We had to purchase something expensive and the salesperson made me so stressed out that I actually had to shake my hand as if to like shake the stress out of the body, and we were one hair's breath away from telling the man he was a terrible monster and just going to another salesperson. Agh! I stuck with him as wanted to get it done and get out of there.

I know things are bubbling through to the surface because I have been examining Pinterest pages and purchasing options for plastic organizing bins one uses inside the refrigerator and inside of your cupboards. But this is not the true sign of edging around near the edges. No. Indeed that would be when I had a job interview and chopped off the bottom three inches of my hair spontaneously while flat ironing it, 10 minutes before leaving for the job interview, because I felt my hair looked too messy and stringy at the bottom. I don't know if this is a gendered type of deal but I tell you this would be like jumping off a cliff into the ocean or running across a rickety rope bridge over a chasm, in terms of bad idea level. Might as well go hang gliding.

Some days I just wake up and the self-hatred is already boiling. Dreams fucked me over again.

I want so badly to be someone else. But I seem to be incapable of change.

I think that is the human condition most days. Yet here we are going on, so, keep on going.

Phoebe wrote: ↑Tue Feb 08, 2022 9:28 pm I think that is the human condition most days. Yet here we are going on, so, keep on going.

I don't have a choice.

My situation is not as serious as anyone else's but I have tried to change my behavior or is it my personality...to not be so talkative, etc...and by the end of the day I am worse than ever. The only way I could change is if I were alone....I know this is nothing compared to other issues, but it is something that has plagued me. I have tried to make it a strength but I feel like that is a cop-out. I don't know.

Akiva I am sorry you are suffering like this. I can only offer distraction which in the end is probably worse.

I appreciate that, Mando. In reality, my problems are trivial--adolescent, really--compared to a lot of people.

I've been on medication for about 20 years, and the overall trend has been that things have gotten harder.

Been pretty down over Ukraine and along with all the heartache is the shock to order. I still rely on stability, even if that stability kinda sucks. Grabbing at any optimistic straw, like hoping the upcoming talks create some kind of peace.