Nerd Pride Radio

Bottom of the morning to you too, sir!

Please, don't be gross.

Top 'o' the afternoon to ye!

Please, don't be gross.

An important meditation for your afternoon:

Trees, ranked. 28. Piñon Pine

Pines further down this list may soar more majestically into the air than this little pine, but the Piñon is incredibly beneficial and resilient. Located mostly in the southwestern US (start from the four corners and make a big circle outward until you hit the edges of California et al.), this pine has amazing abilities to protect and regenerate the soil and anchor a whole ecosystem. The presence of this pine also marks the boundary between, in my expert and objective personal opinion, regions of "ugly as **** desert" and "gorgeous desert landscapes covered with little pine trees and rocky outcroppings". If you've ever made that drive from Phoenix to Flagstaff, it's a shining example of the phenomenon. Everything looks like dry, horrid brown crap and then all of a sudden, the pinyons! The landscape becomes a breathtaking beauty just like that.

I do not mean to suggest these pines are only good in the collective, however - each individual tree is interesting! They often become twisted and shaped by the elements and their own sturdy survival into fascinating formations. Their beauty won't strike you like lovely blossoms on a wisteria but each of these trees has its own rugged and special beauty. Here is one but its friends each will be unique and exciting in some new way:

Bottom 'o' the afternoon to ye!

Trees, ranked. 27. Coconut Palm

Most trees about to arrive on this list are found in colder climates but I'm not a complete monster and can recognize the absolute beauty and perfection of a beach dotted with coconut palms. The coconut by itself is extremely valuable so we might rank this tree highly simply for its product, but nothing says "relaxing beach lounging with ocean breezes" or "beautiful sunset with the soft rustling of leaves overhead" like the iconic, gorgeous Coconut Palm. Another important fact: the CocoNUT is NOT A NUT! It's the coco fruit, of the coco tree. See below for technical details.

Gar!

Arg!

Ragtime!

Rhyme tag!

Mime shag!

Fart flop!

(nailed it!)

Plop tart!

Slop start!

Stay alert!

Play a Nerf!

Trees, ranked. 26. Lodgepole Pine

They're tall, they're straight, they make gorgeous forests, they have lovely light bark, and they make, well, big poles. Pinus contorta is not my favorite pinus but it's darn good!

Y'all are odious.

Trees, ranked. 25. Magnolia soulangeana - some call it a saucer magnolia, or a Chinese or Japanese magnolia. I've always heard it described as a Japanese magnolia but apparently it was first created by a French breeder who crossed two kinds of Chinese magnolia. Anyway, the important thing is that you might think I favor this tree for its blossoms but I do not; the reason it ranks 25th on this list is because of the soft, fuzzy blossom covers (like a catkin but not exactly) and smooth perfect bark and delicate branching arrangements on the tree. The flowers come and go quickly in my climate - elsewhere this might be different. The leaves are also dark, glossy, and gorgeous in summer.

Phoebe wrote: ↑Thu May 12, 2022 10:17 am Pinus contorta is not my favorite pinus but it's darn good!

Heh. You said "pinus".

Trees, ranked. 24. Parkinsonia Florida - Palo Verde (or more specifically Blue Palo Verde, though it doesn't matter to me)

This tree is delicately beautiful, grows in the worst places where trees are desperately needed, has the coolest bark with amazing color, and looks almost like it comes from another planet to help us. If it were more widely distributed I would rank it higher but unfortunately I don't see many of these.

I don't check this thread for a day and it turns into a bad Vanilla Ice rap. What is this world coming to?

To the extreme we rock Mike like a banjo; knights on the stage and back Trump like a man, yo!

Dammit, we had a good rhyming game going and then you guys degenerate into a bunch of 12-year-olds. Let's try to take it seriously.

I'll start this time:

Queef cat.

Wow. Fuck you. I worked hard on that bad Vanilla Ice rap.

Trees, ranked. 23. Kauri

Since these are in New Zealand I'm just going on what I've heard and not what I've experienced - perhaps an encounter with the real thing would push this tree to a higher ranking. However, they are an incredibly massive, tall, ancient conifer - the kind of tree where each one gets an individual name. Amazing to behold:

Trees, ranked. 22. Alder

Lovely bark and leaves, good in a large stand, graceful.

Trees, ranked. 21. Birch

A lot like the Alder, except prettier. Especially good in spring with long catkins dangling from all the little branches. Groups of them like a fairyland.

Trees, ranked. We are down to the top 20 so I thought I would list all the remaining 20 candidates to inspire reflection before the ranking happens. Trees are the best and these are the best of the best, the top 20 of a list that could have gone over 100 had limiting measures not been imposed. Grip your grips and gather your nethers because this is the top 20, presented in no particular order YET:

Japanese Maple. White Oak. Aspen. Red Oak.
Red Maple. Sugar Maple. Sequoia. Crabapple.
Douglas Fir. Ponderosa Pine. Hemlock. Larch.
White Pine. Bald Cypress. Balsam Fir. Banyan.
Ginkgo. Norway Spruce. Jacaranda. Blue Spruce.

Ooooooooooo. Red maple. Come on, baby!

Trees, ranked. 20. Jacaranda

During its blooming season this tree is hard to surpass in loveliness, but it only blooms for a while and it's not that attractive when not blooming. Makes it into the top 20 on the strength of those astonishing purple blossoms, but can't get farther than this without better branches, bark, leaves, or needles.

Squeal rat

sequoia stan

Kyle wrote: ↑Thu May 12, 2022 1:29 pm Wow. Fuck you. I worked hard on that bad Vanilla Ice rap.

I apologize.

Eye eulogize.

Protest post.

Prostate toast

Protest.

Post.

Protest post.

Upset most.

Unwet moist.

mullet tryst

Pulpit twist

Tahlvin wrote: ↑Fri May 13, 2022 10:18 amPulpit twist

It turns out Jesus wasn't dead yet!

M. Night Shyamalan presents: The Last Temptation of Christ

The last train station of Chris

Trees, ranked. 19. Bald Cypress

This tree was in my top 5 for a long time but I have had to come to grips with reason while doing this ranking. Obsessing over the little round balls this tree makes is not an adequate reason for ranking them far above more attractive cousins. However, I freaking LOVE these trees! One of my favorite trees in a few miles of my home is this specific bald cypress that has grown into a perfect, symmetrical oval and goes through the full range of color changes through the calendar. I happen to love the fact that they turn this crazy golden and then rusty color, but I admit that other evergreens in the top 20 are doing better at colorful living, so I have to rein it in. The Bald Cypress is also the fabulous tree you're thinking of in southern swampy zones, dripping with moss, looking spooky and humid and amazing. Having a hard time keeping this tree all the way down at 19 but we have to do hard things sometimes.

Hrmph.