Live the Kyle Way™

[Mike]

Naw. Kile. One syllable. But I get that the long i is a dipthong (two vowels blended into a single syllable), so it is natural that many pronounce it with the vowels slightly drawn out so they separate into two syllables. I pronounce Kyle as two syllables when I'm putting emphasis on it, so I get it.

[Mike]

Wait? It's spelled 'diphthong'? Why did no one tell me?

[Phoebe]

It's like ophthalmology. Those pesky Greek letters getting in the way. I just like to drawl it out, the name Kyyy-uhl. It's like the difference between tile and tie-uhhl. I'm not sure but I think it comes from that Missourah accent that pronounces Missourah properly and says things like warsh. I get this from my dad's side of the family.

[Phoebe]

We went The Kyle Way(TM) with our new washer and dryer, not the cheapest, not the top of the line, but moderate. The one bauble we got (that my wife wanted) is that they are WiFi-enabled, so they can send a notification when the cycle has completed. Since our laundry room is in the basement, out of our normal path through the house, that will help make sure we don't have a wet load of laundry sitting in the washer, forgotten. Because everyone knows it's not good to let a wet load sitting too long.

QUESTION: which washer did you decide on, and were any factors crucial in this process? I don't know whether to buy what I assume is the one you have now, which is basically the new version of the one I have now that is broken, or whether to buy a top loader. The determined pragmatist in me angrily wants a big fat Maytag top-loader, but maybe my husband is correct that there is some reason why front loaders are better. Do they hold more laundry? I HATE THIS MF WASHER, but I can get past that if reason supplies some reasons.

[Tahlvin]

QUESTION: which washer did you decide on, and were any factors crucial in this process? I don't know whether to buy what I assume is the one you have now, which is basically the new version of the one I have now that is broken, or whether to buy a top loader. The determined pragmatist in me angrily wants a big fat Maytag top-loader, but maybe my husband is correct that there is some reason why front loaders are better. Do they hold more laundry? I HATE THIS MF WASHER, but I can get past that if reason supplies some reasons.

This is the washer we went with, with the matching dryer.

This NYTimes article lists some of the pros and cons of front loaders. Since we don't normally add things mid-load, the bigger things for us were the improved efficiency (better cleaning, less water, less electricity and water usage, etc.). And as I said elsewhere, we avoid the mildew problem by leaving the door open between loads, which is okay for us because it's located in an out-of-the-way spot in our basement. This particular model of washer actually has a cleaning cycle to help with that aspect as well, but the tech that installed ours just recommended running an empty load with a bunch of bleach and no detergent instead of using the manufacturer's cleaning cycle. And as for difficulty bending down to load/unload, we got the matching pedestals to make it easier.

[Phoebe]

So I have attempted to figure out if I can reuse my pedestal. This system is not designed for people to reuse their pedestal, let me tell you that much. These f****** do not want you to reuse that pedestal; they want you to spend $300 for a new pedestal. So now the question is whether I am capable of installing - meaning, lifting up and dropping into the right spot - the new washer on top of my old pedestal. Of course I could hire someone to do this but then why wouldn't I just spend that money to buy the new pedestal that they will automatically install, and spare myself the difficulty of dealing with it? Or I could buy one of those wringers and a tub, like I grew up learning to use. I'm really good and have never lost a finger. This whole thing is s***

[Kyle]

When you get to the age where you need reading glasses, don’t frustrate yourself by trying to keep track of where your glasses are. Instead by numerous pairs and place one in every room you tend to spend time on. Reading glasses are super cheap.

[Phoebe]

What does living the Kyle way do with artificially designated "days" like mother's day? Someone else decided we needed such days, so must we follow this plan? I get more wishes from companies emailing me coupons than I ever would from my actual kids, so it seems like primarily a commercial event. Nor does one want to fight crowds and go out to eat (both with covid situation or in any normal year), so what does any of it mean? I'm going to visit my mom, that's all; I already live with my kids. ??? What else are we supposed to do?

[Kyle]

Do what makes you happy. We celebrate Mother and Father’s Day because we enjoy celebrating each other. We celebrate Christmas (even though we are atheists) because it’s fun to give gifts. Halloween is the same. Easter? Nothing. Valentines Day. Nope. 4th? Sometimes- but it’s hard when you live in a tourist town and the lake is dangerously packed with traffic from jet skis. But we’ll usually get drunk with friends and blow shit up (same with New Years). We stopped doing a big thanksgiving with extended family because it seemed to not be pleasant and there were dumb arguments. So we do our own tradition of eating a shitload of finger foods and watching 5 movies until three in the morning.

It’s about what makes you happy. Thanksgiving didn’t make us happy. So we changed it and explained it. Some made up holidays make us happy (birthdays) and some don’t (Easter). So just do what brings you joy.

[Phoebe]

Ok, I am taking your advice and making myself a favorite dinner. One kid had a concert and the other kids gave me plants. So all in all I would say that is the best way, and then I can just treat it as a holiday for my own mother, primarily. Kids have to call their other grandmas, aunts, etc.

[Kyle]

Ok, I am taking your advice and making myself a favorite dinner. One kid had a concert and the other kids gave me plants. So all in all I would say that is the best way, and then I can just treat it as a holiday for my own mother, primarily. Kids have to call their other grandmas, aunts, etc.

Yes! Celebrate (or don't) how you want! But also it's fun to make dumb holidays into big things. Flag Day? Maybe not. Arbor Day? Hmmm. That has promise. Just have fun. That's living the Kyle Way™.

[Kyle]

Tired of having to double knot your shoes so they won’t come untied? Use flat laces. One knot lasts all day. That's the Kyle Way™

[Phoebe]

I have a serious question for the Kyle way, or anyone else who has a way. My duties as a human being to resist bigotry and hatred, and be loyal to our US Constitution, increasingly come into actual conflict with my duties as a loyal spouse who needs to accompany her husband for professional and social reasons. There are certain people I have had to be in the room with and stay on the other side of the room so there was no possible chance I would have to be introduced to the person. I don't think I am capable of being civil and polite to certain people in this situation. I can draw the line between people I disagree with very intensely and who I suspect are probably bigoted - I can find a way to be civil and polite to those people and hopefully bend them back towards the good, who knows - and people who have gone way over that line into what I see as pure anti-American nazi type s***, who are not going to be bent anywhere towards the good because they are hell-bent on wickedness.

How would you handle situations like this? Would you do your best to physically avoid coming in contact with such persons by ducking out to the restroom at the right moment or something? Would you not attend certain events where you think it might be likely to happen? Would you greet the person civilly because your first loyalty is to be the spouse in this situation and follow that lead? But then at what point do you let people know - let's assume I can find a gentle way of managing it - that you are definitely not on their team and not okay with the game they're playing? I have no interest in giving the false impression that I accept anything that certain people are doing.

I will add two concrete examples so you know what I'm talking about, although the details of these examples have been changed completely to protect the guilty. Suppose your sister needed an experimental medical treatment and the state legislature had voted not to permit it yet. One legislator voted for it and one legislator voted against it, and that person was knowingly dishonest in the process of advocating for their position. You deeply and passionately disagree with him, and resent the tactics he used, but you are capable of being civil and even friendly toward people when needed. This is the type of challenging case that does not cause a deep problem. There is a gradual creep of such cases towards increasing bigotry where your civility becomes colder and stiffer, but you're still capable of being civil.

The contrasting case is like this: suppose you had to go to an event and meet the chair of your local GOP caucus who had been loudly advocating for primary challenges to any R candidate who voted to impeach Donald Trump, who refers to January 6th insurrectionists as Patriots, who is doing his level best to damage individual people you care about e.g. by getting them fired from their jobs, and who has said a variety of other bigoted things. Again this is a completely false example - I have every reason to believe that whoever occupies that role in my county is a bad dude but I actually don't know who they are off the top of my head. So suppose you have to meet a person like this, but you are not willing to shake their hand and in fact you feel like the only appropriate response to them is to stare at them coldly and make clear that you don't consider them a loyal US citizen or ethical member of the human community. But you may well find yourself in many situations with many people like this where you're supposed to shake hands and be polite. Now what?

[Kyle]

How would you handle situations like this?

There are times where I can't fight the righteous battles that I want to fight. There are times where I have to sit quiet on my beliefs because there are more important priorities than standing up against racism, bigotry, etc. Much of it depends on weighing what good I think I can accomplish by calling someone out versus the damage or toll it will take on me personally or professionally.

An example: I was speaking with an important client the other day about his favorite football team. He brought up that he didn't like the quarterback and thought he was overrated. Then he began talking about "the problem with black quarterbacks"-- which, by the way, always results in people espousing racist opinions about how white quarterbacks have "better judgment" and can "see the field," whereas black quarterbacks are good at running. These are all false, racist opinions, and I knew this is exactly where this was going. This is a very important client, and identifying their racism would cost my firm a whole lot of money. More importantly, this person didn't think what they were saying was racist, and I knew that if I called them out, I would not change their mind and would only make them angry. So I changed the subject, and said, "I hate to do this, but I have another call in 10 minutes and I really needed your input on this one issue in case X." I didn't need their opinion, I didn't even need to keep talking to them. But I wanted to change the subject without making either of us uncomfortable.

But it all depends on the context. I've had other people make "queer jokes" to me, and then I'll very unsubtly tell them, "Yeah, you know when my son came out last year, I realized that jokes like that just aren't funny." But that's more of a hammer.

But you're also talking about the situations where there is truly someone vile and simply being offensive to the point that it takes an emotional toll on you. Assuming that the personal toll is too high to confront them, with no reward or upside, then I suggest simply not attending things they're at. If you can't avoid it, then I think you're doing the right thing by avoiding them. If they approach you, nod but don't engage. If they tell an offensive joke, don't laugh. Look at your phone. Anything else.

It's unrealistic to think that you should or could fight every battle against bigotry or other offensiveness. The most effective thing you can do is to carry yourself with dignity and be a good example for others to model their behavior.

Here's another important thing that people slam, but I think serves a real purpose. People can call it "virtue signaling" or whatever they want. But there is a benefit for posting things on social media that set out your core beliefs. I live in a very conservative area, and I do not hide the fact that I'm extremely liberal. I post about being pro-gay, pro-abortion rights, advocating for the homeless, marching for black lives matters, and speaking out against racism and bigotry. And I do this intentionally because I've found that it cuts off a lot of these situations before they start. If the people in my community see pictures of me and my family at the gay pride parade, or providing necessities to the homeless- then they don't normally create those terrible situations to begin with. I'm sure a lot of folks that are friendly to my face are saying awful things about me behind my back- but that's okay. Just realize that everyone is talking about everyone behind their backs, and that's all right.

[Phoebe]

Thank you, I think this is excellent advice and will help me to consider which cases I really care about the most and which cases I can find another way to address.
Part of the problem is that I have to deal with nazi adjacent or full nazi ideologies at work all the time, FAR More often than you would guess or that I ever could have imagined I would have to deal with them. But there is nothing social about these interactions and everybody knows that, so it's easily to crisply divide the parts that you don't have a choice about from the interactions that you choose.
In my husband's world it's all this gray area. Everybody knows he is more liberal than they are, probably, but he also commands respect from people and is able to manage social interactions completely with deft remarks and the other mysteries that I will never in three lifetimes be able to fathom how to do. I'm still sitting there stressed over how many times I can mention the recent weather and the upcoming weather before it starts to be awkward. I couldn't manage a conversation with a deft remark if my life depended on it.
Edited to omit the comparison between myself and a dog because that seems too uncharitable even for me to myself.

[Kyle]

Have you tried simply not reacting at all when someone does something terrible? I've found that it's very effective when someone is being a troll to just look at your feet bored. And when they ask you "You know what I mean?" you just look up, distracted, and say, "Hmm? Oh. Not really."

[Phoebe]

I have not tried this but I might. Usually the issue is not what the person is saying right in front of me, but what they've been saying and doing prior to that point. It's very frustrating. Another way I might think about it is that I'm just a stealth agent. I'm just pretending. But I don't like to do it this way because I don't want to have to pretend.

[Phoebe]

This may seem like a joke question but this is a serious question!
Is one box of Boursin cheese a single serving?
Y or N? I don't mean according to what it says on the box; I mean according to the way.

[Kyle]

I don't know what that is, but you should use your own judgment. If an entire box seems excessive to you, or makes you sick to your stomach, or is over 500 calories- then its probably more than one serving. But listen to your body and what it tells you.

[Phoebe]

Through empirical investigation I have determined that one box is 600 calories.
And you probably have to put it on 20 little crackers or whatever, so that would make it closer to 800 calories, unless you stick to carrot sticks and such.

[Kyle]

Thats two servings.

[Phoebe]

Cometh this petitioner seeking advice again either about how to do this the Kyle way or in whatever way people might suggest:

My 10-year-old son has smuggled a diet Coke into the grade school by using his hoodie. He is not allowed to have diet Coke in the mornings and he thinks that I don't know he did this but of course I know because mom sees all. What I'm wondering is whether this is the type of behavior I should nip in the bud immediately after school by imposing some sort of restriction in the usual way, or whether I should pull this out at some other more strategic moment. Also wondering what you would do about behavior that plays on my greatest fear: the addictive personality. I don't know if that's a real thing or not but I know that a powerful tendency towards addiction runs in my husband's family everywhere and it has been one of my primary efforts to eradicate it and I don't think I'm succeeding with my youngest, who is also chafing under the authoritah of the petty micromanagers of school systems and is likely to find ways to act out against that in the future unless we really luck out in assignment to teachers.

[Kyle]

So let's address the second issue first. What I would do "about behavior that plays on my greatest fear: the addictive personality." (Emphasis mine.) So when you're worried about your child drinking a diet coke in the morning, you need to ask yourself- is this the child's problem? Or is this really my fear of a problem that may or may not exist? I assume your concern, from the way you phrased your question, is that the child might be forming an unhealthy habit by drinking caffeine or soda. For me and my kids (which admittedly does not necessarily apply to your situation), a diet coke in the morning would be no big deal. Particularly because you already have the diet cokes in your house, which means that someone is drinking them. From the child's perspective, it might not seem fair that they are not allowed to drink them when others in the house are. From a physiological perspective, I don't find the amount of caffeine in a diet coke to be of any concern, even for a grade schooler. So if your fear is that you think you might need to intervene to stop seemingly innocuous addictive behaviors early- I'll admit to you that, at least to me, that sounds unfounded here from the limited information you've given me. It sounds more like this is an issue of your fear of future behaviors like this arising with more dangerous subjects. But if I were you, I would pick my battles and not start by depriving my child of small indulgences like minimal amounts of caffeine. It's my opinion that strict deprivation prevents a child from learning moderation and making healthy decisions for themselves. Would I let my 8 year old smoke pot, have a Bang energy drink or drink vodka? Certainly not. Would I let my 16 year old have an occasional beer or two? Sure. But these are all calls that parents need to make based on the particular personalities and issues with their particular children.

Now all of that said, if your concern over the coke is: carbonated beverages are an unhealthy eating habit (aside from the issue of caffeine and addiction)- then I agree with your concern. Drink water. That's my mantra to my children. Drink when you're thirsty. And when you're thirsty, drink water. Does that stop my kids from still sometimes having soda? No. But I don't buy it for them and I'm open about my feelings about it.

Finally, if your concern is that your child is breaking the rules at school and can get in trouble for it, then this is my advice: let them. And let them experience the consequences of it if they get caught. And also let them experience the consequences of it if they get away with it. This isn't something as dramatic as cheating on a test or taking a weapon to school. It's smuggling in a diet coke.

[Mando]

what Kyle said for the most part.

For me I would try to create a situation where you ywo are alone...maybe a trip to the store, etc. let them know that you know but not in an authoritarian "I'm spying on you" manner...more of a "I did happen to notice ___"
If you so not pursue guilt it lets you keep serving the ball.

The next stage is reasoning. "We feel this is bad/unhealthy for you because ___"

The next step is concession but making them grateful for it:
"I don't want there to be secrets kept or for you to feel the need to hide things. Lets have a compromise: you can have ____ but how about under these circumstances"

And the closer is :I am open to whatever your thoughts and feelings are. It IS your life after all and I wouldn't want something as petty as ___ to come between us"


I know this is a concession and there's no wrath involved, but you want to keep the lines of communication open for the times when something really bad may be looming around the corner. Remember you are training this person to grow up and think for themselves and eventually leave home and be an adult. Keep the relationship.
(personal perspective: after this is all said and done, move on and don't bring it up at all. Reminding kids of their failures is what everyone else in life will do to them)

Like Kyle said, "PICK YOUR BATTLES"

[Phoebe]

All of this is good advice, yes. I think it's good to wait for a good time when we are conversing, the topic of food comes up, we discuss what is healthy for our eating plan du jour, and then we divert to whether soda is a good drink - honestly my main objection to Diet Coke is the dental damage. Then we can talk about why people feel compelled to sneak and hide it. That's what I wonder about: the idea of having a habit, feeling compelled to continue with the habit, but knowing I dislike it so taking the route of wanting to hide it from me deceptively. That seems like, well, what you would do to lay a groundwork for later more serious behaviors of the same type.

Sorry, I am editing part of this out because I don't want to air all this in public at the moment - just too much going on in this area that is bothering me and so I will leave it at this.

[Kyle]

I remember when I became an attorney, I stopped changing my own oil in my cars. "I value my own time," I would tell myself. This was the late 90s, and you could get your oil changed for $30 bucks.

Then, at some point, all cars started requiring full synthetic oil (or at least all the cars I acquired). For the last ten years or so, a full synthetic oil change has run $70+ dollars, and for my wife's car, a bit more. To get them both changed, with taxes and fees, runs around $150+. And I have to wait for each, so it takes a couple hours total.

So five or six years ago I decided enough was enough, and I thought it would be a good thing to teach my kids how to change their own oil. So I started changing it myself. At some point along the way, I bought ramps to drive the cars up onto so that sliding under it to drain the oil wasn't a problem. I think I paid $40 or so on Amazon for them. Other than that, I bought an oil wrench and oil catch to drain the old oil into. Both are under ten bucks. I already had a socket set to take out the drain plug.

This weekend, I changed the oil in both cars. It took 30 minutes and cost me a total of $56 for the oil and oil filters.

So I saved approximately $100 and 90 minutes doing this myself. That's just smart money and efficiency. If you're willing to get your hands dirty.

Change your own oil. That's living the Kyle Way™.

[Mike]

I pay $60 and I've never been there more than 15 minutes. So the math is a little different, but it's still a point well taken.

[Kyle]

I pay $60 and I've never been there more than 15 minutes. So the math is a little different, but it's still a point well taken.

I've never had luck getting out in less than an hour. When I lived in Austin it was bad enough that I always just dropped it off. Here in Marble Falls the wait is mostly due to us only having a couple of places that will do it.

[Mando]

Change your own oil. That's living the Kyle Way™.

Agreed.
Depending on your vehicle, this might be a good time to lube the front end (required on many vehicles) which many lube shops skip. These parts wear out and are costly to replace

Also I try to rotate my tires when I do oil changes, but that requires some special tools also if your tires are out of balance you really need to take your car to a shop.

I have been using the Advance Auto Parts "Speed Perks" program to get online coupons that stack with their online discount.

ALWAYS order your parts online and get 15% + off with their online discounts(Advance Auto Parts). They have great oil change bundles. If you order it online you will get $5 off your next order, even if its a oil change bundle.

Anyway, I am spending the money on the stuff anyway, but this way I get some discounts.

[Tahlvin]

It takes long enough, and there's enough other stuff that needs to be done at the same time, that I pay someone else to do it. If there's not a reason to do it at the dealership, I make an appointment at our local mechanic, drop it off (takes 5-10 minutes at most), come back home and work, then pick it up when they're done (another 5-10 minutes). During that time, I work and earn much more money than the cost of the service, or save myself having to do that work on the weekend at the expense of spending time with my family. If it's something that is being done at the dealership, I take my laptop with me and get work done while in the waiting room at the dealership.

[Phoebe]

Dad carefully taught me how to do this and now I drive a car from another universe and have no idea where it even keeps its oil. Sad.

[Tahlvin]

I used to do it. Still have all the tools for the basic job of doing it. And if it were just a matter of changing the oil, I'd probably still do it myself in order to have some time working with my hands instead of my brain. But there's enough other stuff that needs to be checked or done with cars nowadays that I feel safe having a professional that I trust handle doing it. We've been going to the same local mechanic for most of that stuff for over 20 years now, and they know us by name when we bring our cars in, including having them give the vehicles once-overs before long road trips, so I trust they value our business enough not to do half-ass jobs.